I have a friend who's in the final downward spiral of Glioblastoma - pretty much the worst brain cancer you can possibly find. He's lasted over two years since his diagnosis, but at this point he's not going to see 2018, possibly not the autumn.
Last Saturday, I got asked if I want anything from his house, I rate as family, and they're having to clear the house to sell it to pay for his care, so it all has to go somewhere. In fact, this Saturday we're going over to do some of that.
The question is full of goddamned fucking sucktitude. Piled on top of the emotional acknowledgements that he's in that downward slide, that he's no longer able to live on his own, and already has his appointment to traverse the Desert booked.
Fuck.
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"You know how parents tell you everything's going to fine, but you know they're lying to make you feel better? Everything's going to be fine." - The Doctor
Take the one thing that is most representative of your most treasured memory of your friend. Something that reminds you of the good times you spent together. Try to remember, always, the time you got to spend together instead of the idea that you're losing him.
And remember that he's going to a much better place. They have David Bowie over there, after all.
"If our friendship depends on things like space and time, we've destroyed our own brotherhood! But overcome space, and all we have left is Here. Overcome time, and all we have left is Now. And in the middle of Here and Now, don't you think that we might see each other once or twice?"
? Richard Bach, Jonathan Livingston Seagull
And Prince, and Carrie Fisher, and Robin Williams, and ...
More seriously, I have an Uncle in a similar situation. My Mum has been helping go through her brother's apartment, sorting through things. 8(
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin
It's never easy.
At least your friend will know what you've selected as a keepsake - most people don't get to know that.
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Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."
- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012
It's better to have been asked that, than to have to look at the pile of things that used to belong to someone you knew and loved, and have to divvy it up like it's loot in a D&D game. Going through my father's things four years ago (almost exactly) and having to figure out what to keep and what to toss and what I wanted of his was hard. If I could have sat down with him beforehand, talked about the things I wanted, and talked to him about why, I think it might have helped with the grief, because there would have been a good memory attached to it, instead of "I have this pocket knife because it was my father's, and he's dead."
Ebony the Black Dragon
http://ebony14.livejournal.com
"Good night, and may the Good Lord take a Viking to you."
My mother's not dead, but at the end of February had to be moved out of her house into assisted living, because she'd developed a tendency to wander out of the house in the dead of night, looking for my dad (dead twenty years), or one of her kids who "hadn't come home from high school" (the last of us graduated in 1986), or, well, you get the picture. Most of her belongings couldn't go into assisted living with her. So we (me, my sister, and her husband) spent March picking mementos. Then my brother-in-law, without asking me or her for any help, brought in a big dumpster and got rid of everything else, because he figured tossing Mom's things would be too hard on us emotionally.
My brother-in-law is an awesome person.
Edited, year of graduation was wrong by ten ... I'm losin' it....
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Big Brother is watching you. And damn, you are so bloody BORING.
Oh, I'll be taking one or two mementos specifically... what's really hard is that we do need to help clear the place out, so I'll likely be taking some other stuff as well so that the person (his girlfriend, yes, there will be copious hugs dispensed while we're there since she's as much part of the "family" as he is) coordinating it all doesn't have to worry about as much. It'll all be stuff that we can use here anyway. I share a couple of hobbies with him, so that will be part of what I'll be paying attention to.
Ebony: I had a similar D&D style reference going through my head regarding, "meat isn't even cold yet, and we're already going through his things." It actually helps to know I'm not alone in such dark thinking. And each time I'm asked to visit the question, I have real trouble sleeping. Thankfully we're going over Saturday, and not doing anything on Sunday, so I won't be a wreck at work.
DHBirr: If I could wave a magic wand and be that kind of awesome, I would. (Probably a sign when you speak highly of such an act that he knows both of you well enough to take it.) As it is, I'll settle for taking probably more than I should so she's not dealing with it.
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"You know how parents tell you everything's going to fine, but you know they're lying to make you feel better? Everything's going to be fine." - The Doctor
Had to do it for my Dad fairly recently.
Mercifully we weren't in a hurry so had time to grieve before "divying the loot".
Conversely, we had piles of nice stuff, so just chucking was not an option and we had more stuff than we could fit in our houses.
So, empty boxes are packed in the car, as well as tools - I might need to disassemble at least one thing that is on the list (airbrush paint booth), and it would be helpful to not have to hunt up the local tools, we had that adventure when we helped him hang a poster before he went into the care facility. Part of the plan is to leave behind whatever boxes we don't need for fellow family members and whoever else might be removing stuff from the house.
We'll be visiting him in the morning, before heading over to start the process of looking through things. I'll probably ask if there's anything he specifically wants me to have.
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"You know how parents tell you everything's going to fine, but you know they're lying to make you feel better? Everything's going to be fine." - The Doctor
Update: And we're done with phase 1. Furniture has been tagged, as well as some things we couldn't fit in the car. I grabbed the spares for the soldering station he gave me for Christmas, as well as the scale modeling tools, airbrush, compressor, and probably more model kits than I should have. On the latter, I instructed his girlfriend that she can call his model club to get the rest.
My brother is going to rent a truck, and we'll descend again next weekend to pull the tagged stuff.
I'm eating lunch, and I've been clearly instructed by my husband to not touch anything in the pile in the living room until at least tomorrow, not even to take inventory.
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"You know how parents tell you everything's going to fine, but you know they're lying to make you feel better? Everything's going to be fine." - The Doctor
Your husband is wise in this matter.
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."
- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012
...and we have confirmation of how bad it is... they're talking about hospice when they move him, not just long term care.
This week is things like cleaning parts of our house in prep for the coming furniture, and collecting more boxes from work.
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"You know how parents tell you everything's going to fine, but you know they're lying to make you feel better? Everything's going to be fine." - The Doctor