Murmur the Fallen
11-13-2004, 02:38 AM
So anyway, the first thing that pops up in my head after reading this is:
How cool was that? Very cool, indeed. As a long-time fan of Ah My brother and Drunkard's Walk, as well as a general cross-over fan, I enjoyed reading it.
But, being me, I can't help but quibble. Quibble and poke and prod and pick those damnable nits that nobody else sees.
But first, the praise part: it was incredible just how effective the duelling perspectives were in this story, particularly in the fight scene. The way it switched from OUR HERO DOUG, first person, to OUR OTHER HERO, WHAT'S HIS FACE, UH, RIGHT, RIGHT, CHRIS, in the third person, was very effective in both maintaining tension and showing the personalities of the characters during the fight. The jarring nature of the duelling narratives worked perfectly well with the jarring nature of their fight with their constant playing with time.
Also, I am completely unable to tell when it is Herr Schroeck writing and when it is Angel-san writing. Perhaps it's due to my complete inability to notice any damn thing ever but most likely it is due to the sympatico between the two writers. This has none of the feel of a round robin but rather a true collaboration.
Now then, onto the bitching and it begins with the question: whose story is this? It says "Drunkard's Walk" on it and so far most of the action has centered upon OUR HERO DOUG and that's all to the good. But there has to be clear-cut answer to the question of who the main protagonist is, because I doubt that a story with two protagonists would work. Which isn't to say that there couldn't be sub-plots given to supporting characters, but there has to be a clear distinction made as to who the main character is and who the supporting characters are.
Fer instance, in the first (well, second) Drunkard's Walk, it was OUR HERO DOUG who was OUR HERO. Lisa had a storyline given to her, as did Katherine Madigan, and Priss (Nene to a much lesser extent, and Sylia learned a lesson somewhere in there but where the hell was Linna, anyway?). But it was OUR HERO DOUG's story. Main guy, him. His story.
Take, um, MASH the TV series. A ensemble cast, a GREAT ensemble cast. But it was Hawkeye's story, always and forever Hawkeye's story and it worked because it was his story.
So, again: whose story is this? Because if it's not made clear, then it's going to be muddled. I would enjoy it, sure, but . . . protagonist, supporting character.
Second bitching: the main conflict in this that Doug learns that not all gods are selfish and capricious through the bonding that comes from rebuilding a bike?
Hmm . . . that's . . . that's kinda not very . . . big. I mean, in the second Walk we had Doug vs. Genom pretty early on. We could see it all coming. I guess this bitch isn't very good, because we're so early on in the story but . . . you know, no clear ANTAGONIST here yet to match THE PROTAGONIST.
How cool was that? Very cool, indeed. As a long-time fan of Ah My brother and Drunkard's Walk, as well as a general cross-over fan, I enjoyed reading it.
But, being me, I can't help but quibble. Quibble and poke and prod and pick those damnable nits that nobody else sees.
But first, the praise part: it was incredible just how effective the duelling perspectives were in this story, particularly in the fight scene. The way it switched from OUR HERO DOUG, first person, to OUR OTHER HERO, WHAT'S HIS FACE, UH, RIGHT, RIGHT, CHRIS, in the third person, was very effective in both maintaining tension and showing the personalities of the characters during the fight. The jarring nature of the duelling narratives worked perfectly well with the jarring nature of their fight with their constant playing with time.
Also, I am completely unable to tell when it is Herr Schroeck writing and when it is Angel-san writing. Perhaps it's due to my complete inability to notice any damn thing ever but most likely it is due to the sympatico between the two writers. This has none of the feel of a round robin but rather a true collaboration.
Now then, onto the bitching and it begins with the question: whose story is this? It says "Drunkard's Walk" on it and so far most of the action has centered upon OUR HERO DOUG and that's all to the good. But there has to be clear-cut answer to the question of who the main protagonist is, because I doubt that a story with two protagonists would work. Which isn't to say that there couldn't be sub-plots given to supporting characters, but there has to be a clear distinction made as to who the main character is and who the supporting characters are.
Fer instance, in the first (well, second) Drunkard's Walk, it was OUR HERO DOUG who was OUR HERO. Lisa had a storyline given to her, as did Katherine Madigan, and Priss (Nene to a much lesser extent, and Sylia learned a lesson somewhere in there but where the hell was Linna, anyway?). But it was OUR HERO DOUG's story. Main guy, him. His story.
Take, um, MASH the TV series. A ensemble cast, a GREAT ensemble cast. But it was Hawkeye's story, always and forever Hawkeye's story and it worked because it was his story.
So, again: whose story is this? Because if it's not made clear, then it's going to be muddled. I would enjoy it, sure, but . . . protagonist, supporting character.
Second bitching: the main conflict in this that Doug learns that not all gods are selfish and capricious through the bonding that comes from rebuilding a bike?
Hmm . . . that's . . . that's kinda not very . . . big. I mean, in the second Walk we had Doug vs. Genom pretty early on. We could see it all coming. I guess this bitch isn't very good, because we're so early on in the story but . . . you know, no clear ANTAGONIST here yet to match THE PROTAGONIST.
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