Ross Van Loan
08-29-2014, 04:29 AM
Artifice Suave, somehow still resplendent even though garbed in a rhinestone leisure suit, affected a uncharacteristically sober mien as he addressed the band seated upon the scarred stage in the basement hall of the Church of Christ Monolith.
“Ladies, I’ve got wholesome and unwholesome press for you.”
“Nani, Art Sama?” Suki2 often had difficulty with Suave’s stilt.
Asada rolled her eyes at Suave : “Good news, bad news, Su Su.”
“wakarimashita!” Bad news first, please!”
The manager frowned mightily : “I couldn’t secure any opening act gigs....”
The band slumped.
“...so I had to settle for finding you an opening act!” The general frown turned upside down.
“Art, do you always have to be the most melodramatic person in the room?”
Suave grinned a toothy grin that almost out-sparkled his blazer.
Asada heaved a theatrical sigh ; Art’s smile widened almost beyond his chiseled cheekbones.
“Details, Elton Effing Liberace : de-tai-ils!” Dazzle Ardent was only truly offensive with those she cared about : with the general public she was merely rude.
“Well...Artifice drawled out his best Alabama twang--his native accent was Cantonese inflected English--”...the venue’s the upscale brewpub, The Ale Blue Dot.
Aerial Cypher’s smile straightened out. “I know the place. It’s all Jazz Funk mellowness : mellow’s not really our thing.
The collective smile wavered. Artifice played another trump : “It’d like to be all ambient cool all of the time but there simply aren’t enough likeminded acts in Fenspace to accommodate this desideratum : until there are, the proprietor is willing to make some musical concessions.”
Strangelove probed. “What does some mean?”
“You understand that I had to dicker...”
“You did what?!” Su Su flushed.
Asada and Artifice answered in perfect sync : “Negotiate, Suki2.”
Ardent grabbed dual fistfuls of her spiky hairdo ; vociferated, “Goddamn it Suave, spill!”
Artifice took the prerequisite pause to straighten his string tie : “Three of your seven numbers have to be...jazzish.”
Cypher, Ardent & Chang began to bristle ; Suki Suki looked relived ; Strangelove took charge.
“We accept.”
“We do?!” Cypher’s normally cool facade couldn’t stand up to her current incredulity.
“A little chill’s well worth the price of having someone else open for us.”
A skeptical, swearing Dazzle Ardent spouted, “Can we even come anywhere near to pulling mother fucking dulcet tones out of our collective assholes?”
“You weren’t listening, Dazz : all we have to do is try.” Chang laughed quietly. “We’ll probably end up inventing a whole new musical form of jazz metal fusion, and then be stuck with trying to come up with a memorable name for it!”
“That’d be supa-sugoi!”
Aerial Cypher, affected by a combination of Asada’s argument & Suki Suki’s charm, ruffled Suki2’s hair into yet another adorably asymmetrical dual-wired-pigtail shambles.
“It sure would, Su Su.”
Dazzle watched the rapid conversion of her bandmates with a scowl that stealthily snaked into a grudging smile : “Well shit, mellow’s got to be easier to play than metal!”
*****
Two hours into the next day’s morning practice, Dazzle exclaimed, “Jesus titty-fucking Christ, this improvisational shit’s harder than scoring the high school quarterback!”
“House of God, Dazz!”
“Well then, Sucks, call his ass down to the basement : we need three mother fucking musical miracles to pull this gig off!”
“Ladies, I’ve got wholesome and unwholesome press for you.”
“Nani, Art Sama?” Suki2 often had difficulty with Suave’s stilt.
Asada rolled her eyes at Suave : “Good news, bad news, Su Su.”
“wakarimashita!” Bad news first, please!”
The manager frowned mightily : “I couldn’t secure any opening act gigs....”
The band slumped.
“...so I had to settle for finding you an opening act!” The general frown turned upside down.
“Art, do you always have to be the most melodramatic person in the room?”
Suave grinned a toothy grin that almost out-sparkled his blazer.
Asada heaved a theatrical sigh ; Art’s smile widened almost beyond his chiseled cheekbones.
“Details, Elton Effing Liberace : de-tai-ils!” Dazzle Ardent was only truly offensive with those she cared about : with the general public she was merely rude.
“Well...Artifice drawled out his best Alabama twang--his native accent was Cantonese inflected English--”...the venue’s the upscale brewpub, The Ale Blue Dot.
Aerial Cypher’s smile straightened out. “I know the place. It’s all Jazz Funk mellowness : mellow’s not really our thing.
The collective smile wavered. Artifice played another trump : “It’d like to be all ambient cool all of the time but there simply aren’t enough likeminded acts in Fenspace to accommodate this desideratum : until there are, the proprietor is willing to make some musical concessions.”
Strangelove probed. “What does some mean?”
“You understand that I had to dicker...”
“You did what?!” Su Su flushed.
Asada and Artifice answered in perfect sync : “Negotiate, Suki2.”
Ardent grabbed dual fistfuls of her spiky hairdo ; vociferated, “Goddamn it Suave, spill!”
Artifice took the prerequisite pause to straighten his string tie : “Three of your seven numbers have to be...jazzish.”
Cypher, Ardent & Chang began to bristle ; Suki Suki looked relived ; Strangelove took charge.
“We accept.”
“We do?!” Cypher’s normally cool facade couldn’t stand up to her current incredulity.
“A little chill’s well worth the price of having someone else open for us.”
A skeptical, swearing Dazzle Ardent spouted, “Can we even come anywhere near to pulling mother fucking dulcet tones out of our collective assholes?”
“You weren’t listening, Dazz : all we have to do is try.” Chang laughed quietly. “We’ll probably end up inventing a whole new musical form of jazz metal fusion, and then be stuck with trying to come up with a memorable name for it!”
“That’d be supa-sugoi!”
Aerial Cypher, affected by a combination of Asada’s argument & Suki Suki’s charm, ruffled Suki2’s hair into yet another adorably asymmetrical dual-wired-pigtail shambles.
“It sure would, Su Su.”
Dazzle watched the rapid conversion of her bandmates with a scowl that stealthily snaked into a grudging smile : “Well shit, mellow’s got to be easier to play than metal!”
*****
Two hours into the next day’s morning practice, Dazzle exclaimed, “Jesus titty-fucking Christ, this improvisational shit’s harder than scoring the high school quarterback!”
“House of God, Dazz!”
“Well then, Sucks, call his ass down to the basement : we need three mother fucking musical miracles to pull this gig off!”