Drunkard's Walk Forums

It was Cucumber the first; summer was over. I had just spinached a long day and I was busheled.
I'm the kinda guy that works hard for his celery and I don't mind telling you I was feeling a bit wilted. But I didn't carrot all. 'Cause, otherwise, things were vine.
I try never to disparagus and I don't sweat the truffles. I'm outstanding in my field and I know something good will turnip eventually.
A bunch of things were going grape, and soon, I'd be top banana. At least, that's my peeling. But that's enough corn; lend me your ear and lettuce continue:
After dressing, I stalked on over to the grain station. I got there just in lime to catch the nine-elemon as it plowed toward the core of Apple-ton, a lentil more than a melon-and-a-half yeast of Cloveland.
Life in the slaw lane.
They say plants can't feel no pain.
Life in the slaw lane.
I've got news for you:
They're just as frail as you.
No one got off at Zucchini, so we continued on a rutaBaga.
Passing my usual stop, I got avocado. I hailed a passing Yellow Cabbage and told the driver to cart me off to Broccolyn. I was going to meet my brother across from the eggplant where he had a job at the Saffron station pumpkin gas.
As soon as I saw his face, I knew he was in a yam.
He told me his wife had been raisin cane. Her name was Peaches: a soiled but radishing beauty with huge gourds. My brother had always been a chestnut, but I could never figure out why she picked him. He was a skinny little string bean who had always suffered from cerebral parsley. It was in our roots. Sure, we had tried to weed it out, but the problem still romained.
He was used to having a tough row to how, but it irrigated me to see Artichoke, and it bothered my brother to see his marriage going to seed.
Life in the slaw lane.
They say plants can't feel no pain.
Life in the slaw lane.
I've got news for you:
They're just as frail as you.
Like most mapled couples, they had a lot of growing to do. Sure, they'd sown their wild oats, but just barley, if you peas.
Finally, Peaches had given him an ultomato. She said, "I'm hip to your chive, and you don't stop smoking that herb, I'm gonna leaf ya for Basil, ya fruit!"
He said he didn't realize it had kumquat so far. Onion other hand, even though Peaches could be the pits, I knew she'd
never call the fuzz.
Life in the slaw lane.
They say plants can't feel no pain.
Life in the slaw lane.
I've got news for you:
They're just as frail as you.
So I said, "Hay, we're not farm from the Mushroom! Let's walk over."
He said, "That's a very rice place. That's the same little bar where alfalfa my wife!"
When we got there, I pulled up a cherry and tried to produce small talk. I told him I haven't seen Olive; not since I shelled off for a trip to Macadamia when I told her, "We cantaloupe." The time just wasn't ripe. She knew what I mint.
When we left the Mushroom, we were pretty well-juiced. I told Arti to say hello to the boysenBerry and that I'd orange to see him another thyme.
Well, it all came out in the morning peppers: Arti caught Peaches that night with Basil, and Arti beat Basil bad, leaving him with two beautiful acres.
Peaches? She was found in the garden; she'd been... pruned.
Life in the slaw lane.
They say plants can't feel no pain.
Life in the slaw lane.
I've got news for you:
They're just as frail as you.
Well, my little story is okra now. Maybe it's small potatoes. Me? Idaho.
My name? Wheat. My friends call me "Kernel". And that's life... in the slaw lane. Thank you... so mulch.
Life in the slaw lane.
They say plants can't feel no pain.
Life in the slaw lane.
I've got news for you:
They're just as frail as you.
It's a garden out there!
-- Kip Adotta, Life In The Slaw Lane
-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

I am quite honestly surprised that there have been no "WTF?" or "Oh yeah, cool" messages in response to this one by now...

-- Bob
---------
It's spelt "Frodo Baggins" but it's pronounced "Throat-wobbler Mangrove."

I liked his Wet Dream better, actually...
-Rob Kelk
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."

- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012

Well, then....

---

It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving in down-town Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray, and it was over-heating. So, I pulled into a Shell station. They said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damned thing, and leave my private life out of it, okay pal?"

While they were doing that, I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar... a real dive. But I knew th owner. He used to play for the Dolphins. I said, "Hi Gil!" You have to yell, he's hard of herring.
Think I had a wet dream,
Cruising through the Gulf Stream,
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
Wet dream.

Gil was also down on his luck. Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water. I bellied up to the sandbar. He poured me the usual -- Rusty Snail, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred. With a peanut-butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the Mako. I slipped him a fin... on porpoise. I was eling good! I even dropped a sand-dollar in the box for Jerry's squids... for the Halibut.

Well, the place was crowded. We were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the Big Band sound of Tommy Dorsal. What sole. Tommy was rocking the place with a very popular tuna... "Salmon-chanted Evening." And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers, probably there to see the bass player.

One of them was this cute little yellow-tail, and she's giving me the eye! So I figure this is my chance for a little fun... you know, a piece of Pisces. But she said things I just couldn't fathom. She was too deep. She seemed to be under a lot of pressure. Boy, could she drink! She drank like a... well, she drank a lot. I said, "What's your sign?" She said, "Aquarium." I said "Great! Let's get tanked!!"
Think I had a wet dream,
Cruising through the Gulf Stream,
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
Wet dream.
I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said, "Come on, baby, it'll only take a few minnows." She threw me that same old line -- "Not tonight, I got a haddock." And she wasn't kidding, either, 'cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with mussels.
He came over to me and said, "Listen, shrimp... don't ya come trolling around here..." What a crab! This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes.
I turned to him. I said, "Abalone. You're just being shellfish."

Well, I knew there was going to be trouble, and so did Gil, 'cause he was already on the phone to the Cods. The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke. But there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel... kelpless.
I said, "Forget the Cods, Gil. This guy's gonna need a sturgeon."

Well, the yellow-tail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me. She said, "Hey, big boy, you're really a game fish. What's your name?" I said, "Marlin."
Think I had a wet dream,
Cruising through the Gulf Stream,
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
Wet dream.
Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner. I took her to dance. I bought her a bouquet of flounders. And then I went home with her. And what did I get for my trouble? A case of the clams...

Think I had a wet dream,
Cruising through the Gulf Stream,
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
Wet dream.
Think I had a wet dream,
Cruising through the Gulf Stream,
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
Wet dream.
-- Kip Adotta, Wet Dream
-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers
Twenty years on and I still shatter every time I hear that.
--Sam
"Oh, there's crime here. I can smell it."

Hey, I have an old tape that has this on it. It still makes me laugh on those long, boring drives back from Anime Cons.My biggest fear in life is HoagieOfDoom finding a portal to the Tenchiverse.
*********************
In the epic rage of furious thunder
legends create their tales
when the twilight calls and the dark lord falls
our glory will prevail

I can only say: oww...the punnage is hurting my brain.

Quote:

---

Twenty years on and I still shatter every time I hear that.

---

My favorite is "Could she drink! She drank like a... she drank a lot." Getting this close to the one pun you could see coming, and then veering away at the last moment.

-- Bob
---------
It's spelt "Frodo Baggins" but it's pronounced "Throat-wobbler Mangrove."