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CattyNebulart

I'm trying a branch of the addventure idea and since AFAIK most of the fanfiction authors whole like Nanoha are on this board I wondered if anyone else would want to make a contribution.
addventure.bast-enterpris...77721.html
E: "Did they... did they just endorse the combination of the JSDF and US Army by showing them as two lesbian lolicons moving in together and holding hands and talking about how 'intimate' they were?"
B: "Have you forgotten so soon? They're phasing out Don't Ask, Don't Tell."
You misspelled Toltiir.Those who fear the darkness have never seen what the light can do.

CattyNebulart

grumble, and you apperently can't edit posts once made.
E: "Did they... did they just endorse the combination of the JSDF and US Army by showing them as two lesbian lolicons moving in together and holding hands and talking about how 'intimate' they were?"
B: "Have you forgotten so soon? They're phasing out Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

Jenova Silverstar

You can...sort of. YOu have to submit a revision to the moderators. (I think the addventure email.)
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."
--Dr. Seuss

CattyNebulart

note, edited for slight update. Also in the manga Hayate refers to the Wolkenritter and the book of darkness as her kids, which rather surprised me.
Well since I can't edit it once I post here is an initial draft of the next installment. so that I can get some feedback to improve this before I post this. It is still incomplete as I plan to put a fight scene at the end in before I post this. I'm also trying to add enough information so that those unfamiliar with Nanoha don't feel completly lost.
----
Cyric turned around as he heard the sweet sound of someone whimpering in pain. Maybe he could take the edge of his frustrations out on this... Cyric paused in surprise as he double checked that the quivering bundle down the strand of webbing indeed was a goddess, indeed that it was the goddess of the Drow with his stolen portfolio. YOU #!!$#! Screamed Cyric as he charged down at her, intent on getting the power that was his right.
---
The Book of Darkness was overwhelmed momentarily by the new input as millions of prayers assaulted its master, and due to the link they shared, by extension the Book too. However helping its master organize and manage their magic was one of its functions, and this was merely a type of mana it never encountered before, so it went to work. Powering up dormant portions of its gestalt it began constructing filters to take the load of its master. First it took care of the cases it's master definitely would not approve of, along with a stern warning from it not to bother it's master again. Then it took care of the borderline cases inspected each of them in detail and either responded in its masters stead or send it along to the buffer which passed the prayers to it's master at a more reasonable rate.
The thread of itself that was paying attention to the outside notified it of an incoming threat to the master, and it would still be 5.34 before it's guardians arrived in this dimension. The thing would reach the master in 4.67 seconds. Unacceptable. New threads where spawned, one to ask for permission to unleash it's full power, one to find an appropriate spell to use, one to adapt this new power into something it could use, and one to begin casting whatever spell it decided on casting.
Racing at a speed of thought only reachable by divine computers things went into motion, a massive rotating magic triangle formed of pure white light started forming under the mistress, power carefully measured and applied fed into it, for now using a generic charging pattern.
3.95 seconds until the thing reached the mistress. Assent to unleash higher order powers given. A mostly appropriate spell found 'Starlight Breaker', modifying it for this situation and to deal with the alternate power source. Spawning new low priority thread to find an appropriate name for the spell. Modifying the triangle to match the spell pattern, while still updating the structure of the spell for greater efficiency.
1.21 seconds. Charge complete, launching spell 'Ragnark Breaker' at hostile identified as Cyric. The mistress wishes to help several of these mana sources. Spawning new threads to see what can be done to help them. Thankfully they where relatively few in number.
---
Hayate's head hurt, one moment she was talking to a cat and the next there where all these voices saying horrible things and so much blood and suffering and pain and...
Hayate didn't know how long it was before she could hear her own thoughts again as the worst of the voices quieted but it felt like an eternity. And those people where in so much pain despair and suffering, even if these people where not evil like the majority of the voices before were. So she can surely be forgiven when the Book of Darkness appeared in her mind and asked for permission to defend her, from what her muddled mind wasn't quite sure, but the Book felt so urgent and desperately wanted her to say yes, so she agreed.
She was somehow getting used to the pleas and images in her head that where not her own. She had to help them, there are so many people here that are suffering. There was a young girl bound naked to a stone slab while a priestess was brining the knife down on her desperately praying for help from the goddess in whose honor she was being sacrificed. There was a boy praying that his sister would survive and come back to him. A priestess praying for strength as mind flayers started to overwhelm the city defenses. A little girl crying over a dead pet spider wishing it alive again. A man on trial by priestesses over a crime he didn't commit. A slave praying for freedom. There was no way Hayate was going to leave them to fend for themselves.
There was a bright light and a massive BOOM that caused Hayate to blink and pay attention to the outside world again She was in some sort of giant spiderweb and some nightmarish thing seeming to be composed of singed transparent rags dripping blood was attacking her. At that moment her kids the Wolkenritter appeared.
---
Cyric didn't quite know what to make of this new goddess. She had seemed helpless at first, but when he charged her the most complex magic circle he had ever seen appeared under her. Formed from pure white light, its pattern shifting too fast for him to make out the symbols on it. The book starting to hover before her between the two of them surprised him enough that he listened to his danger sense and dodged while throwing up a shield spell. Just in time as the most powerful attack he had ever witnessed suddenly seared through the space he had just occupied, a blindingly bright white beam. It was enough to blast him back a bit and do some cosmetic damage but his shield took the brunt of the attack. He was charging her again before she could get off another spell when a colorful group suddenly appeared around her.
A redheaded girl, about 8 or 9 years old, in a red dress wielding a war hammer. Somehow she managed to look menacing and cute at the same time. Blue eyes narrowed into a glare at him as a magic circle similar to the one below the goddess started forming beneath her in blood red.
To the goddess's right was an olive skinned muscle bound man with whit hair and no apparent weapons dressed in a blue coat. He slid into a combat stance, raising his gauntleted fists while tensing for a jump.
To her left was a blond woman in a green dress. Seemingly unarmed, but from the green triangle forming under her he didn't think she needed one. What was it with this group and magic circles in the form of triangles anyway?
Completing this picture, guarding the goddesses rear, was a pink haired woman with a long ponytail wielding a sword. She actually wore something that at least resembled armor, even if it looked more like a trench coat.
Those foolish mortals thinking they could oppose him, the greatest of the gods.
E: "Did they... did they just endorse the combination of the JSDF and US Army by showing them as two lesbian lolicons moving in together and holding hands and talking about how 'intimate' they were?"
B: "Have you forgotten so soon? They're phasing out Don't Ask, Don't Tell."
Quote:
He was charing her again
I think you mean charging.
Quote:
about 8 or 9 in a red dress wielding a war hammer made entirely out of metal
About 8 or 9 what? Also why is it important to note that the warhammer is made out of only metal? And I thought warhammer was one word?
Quote:
Cyric didn't quite know what to make of this new goddess, she had seemed helpless but when he charged her the most complex magic circle he had ever seen just appeared under her, it's pattern shifting too fast for him to make out the symbols on it.
I think this is a run on sentence. Actually all of the sentences after that line are in my opinion, and a good bit of the sentences before that one are also run on sentences actually. You seem to have a lot of them.Those who fear the darkness have never seen what the light can do.

CattyNebulart

Whee feedback. Thanks.
I also thought war hammer was one word, but in these cases I ussualy defer to my spell checker. I'll leave it as it is for consistencies sake.
Quote:
I think this is a run on sentence. Actually all of the sentences after that line are in my opinion, and a good bit of the sentences before that one are also run on sentences actually. You seem to have a lot of them.
Gah I thought I finnaly worked past that problem. Well time to get to work then, this should be the only runon sentence in there; "Hayate's head hurt, one moment she was talking to a cat and the next there where all these voices saying horrible things and so much blood and suffering and pain and..."
but then that is always the problem with stream of conciousness type writing.
E: "Did they... did they just endorse the combination of the JSDF and US Army by showing them as two lesbian lolicons moving in together and holding hands and talking about how 'intimate' they were?"
B: "Have you forgotten so soon? They're phasing out Don't Ask, Don't Tell."
As a rule of thumb anything that makes you feel like you need to take a breath to finish, even thou there is no comma is a run on sentence.
So she can surly be forgiven
Try turning some of those run on sentences into to seperate ones instead of drooping a few commas in, as they now seem greatly stilted and akward to read
Those who fear the darkness have never seen what the light can do.

CattyNebulart

I have been rewording the sentences a bit. is it better now?
E: "Did they... did they just endorse the combination of the JSDF and US Army by showing them as two lesbian lolicons moving in together and holding hands and talking about how 'intimate' they were?"
B: "Have you forgotten so soon? They're phasing out Don't Ask, Don't Tell."
Much better now yes, keep up the good work.Those who fear the darkness have never seen what the light can do.

CattyNebulart

I have a bit of a writers block on the next part. Still I hope to have it ready in a day or two.
E: "Did they... did they just endorse the combination of the JSDF and US Army by showing them as two lesbian lolicons moving in together and holding hands and talking about how 'intimate' they were?"
B: "Have you forgotten so soon? They're phasing out Don't Ask, Don't Tell."