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Alright, so...I'm trying to get myself writing again. Starting an entirely new project probably isn't the best way to do it, but what the hell.
So here's what I got, and I need to know if it's cool. Seriously. You see, I've never written anime fanfic before.
Well...I've written some, but only short pieces with original characters...you know, stories set in a particular anime's world, but not featuring the main cast themselves.
I always worry about portraying canon characters correctly. It's kind of hard for me to write their thoughts and dialogue. I can deal with my own creations, 'cause I made 'em...but...
You get the idea.
But this concept's been clawing at my brain for a while now, and I need to set it free. I also think I've got a good enough grasp of the Naruto cast to make this work.
I'm not sure, though. So what I'm asking is...if you think, like, Naruto's portrayed as totally off-kilter, or Sakura's completely wrong, then please tell me. If you think the tone and feel's not true to the series, then tell me too.
Granted, this story is - or will be - an AU. But I don't consider that an excuse, because...well, if characters ain't recognisable as themselves, what's the point?

It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair. The first day of his new life as a ninja, the first step on the road to becoming Hokage...and now this.
Stuck in a room for hours and hours and hours, just because some stupid jounin couldn't be bothered to show.
Oh, sure, Sakura-chan was here...but so was Uchiha Sasuke. That meant Sakura-chan refused to even look at him. She just spent all her time mooning over the bastard. It just wasn't fair. Maybe Sasuke was using some kind of evil genjutsu technique to attract all the girls. Or something.
Why did they have to team him up with SASUKE, of all people? Yeah, Iruka-sensei had given that whole explanation about the teams being balanced...and Sasuke was the number one student or something while he was dead last, but...
It just wasn't fair.
Naruto sighed, slumping face-down on the desk. "This is BOOORIIING," he cried, drawing out the last word.
Sakura turned to glare at him. "Naruto," she growled, in a tone of strained patience, "I'm sure our sensei has a reason for being late."
"Teaching us is his JOB," Naruto whined, "what kind of lousy ninja just...just..."
"Jounin are important people," Sakura replied, "maybe something happened that needed our sensei's attention."
Privately, though, she wasn't so sure. A part of her actually agreed with Naruto, but she wasn't going to admit that. Especially not in front of Sasuke-kun.
"Aw, Sakura-chan, Sakura-chan, quit defending him," Naruto yelled, "we've been sitting here for HOURS!"
"Three hours, forty-eight minutes, and six seconds," came a bland voice.
Both Naruto and Sakura whirled at the sound - the first coherent sentence Uchiha Sasuke had said in all that time. The dark boy stared back at them, impassively.
"See, see," Naruto exclaimed, "even the bastard is sick of waiting!"
"Idiot," Sasuke muttered. However, he didn't deny the claim.
Sakura clenched her fists, struggling to keep her anger in check. She wanted to pound Naruto's face in. How dare he insult Sasuke-kun? But if she did that, Sasuke might think she was violent...like Ino. So Sakura had to be ladylike.
Besides, the orange idiot had a point.
* * *
Teaching wasn't a prestigious job...not in a Hidden Village.
Leading a genin team wasn't so bad, because that still involved field work. Genin were still ninja, just of low rank.
But an Academy Teacher trained children. Children too young to do anything useful, too weak to learn anything but the basics.
As a result, most Hidden Villages considered teachers to be...somehow less than their front-line counterparts. Academy posts were only given to second-rate ninja, or those retired due to age or injury.
The Third Hokage...felt differently.
Sarutobi knew how hard it was to teach. He knew how difficult it was to maintain the right balance of harshness and compassion. He knew, too, how important teachers were. He knew this because he was a teacher himself.
Long before he became Hokage, Sarutobi was known as "The Professor". Not because of his mastery of techniques, as many assumed. No, he originally earned the name for his successes as a teacher, an educator, an instructor.
He was the one who built the Leaf's Ninja Academy into its present form. Before him, there was little in the way of a cohesive curriculum. The old established clans largely trained their own children...and those not born into a large ninja family were left to fend for themselves with only minimal instruction.
Sarutobi changed that. He was a teacher.
And that was why he was listening to the man in front of him. Any other village leader would probably have crucified the young chuunin for insubordination. The Hokage, however, just sat and listened.
Sarutobi knew the Academy Teacher's concerns were valid, and that his words were motivated out of genuine concern for his student.
Besides, Umino Iruka had a point.
"Hokage-sama," Iruka argued, "I must insist---"
Sarutobi tilted his head, giving the chuunin a significant look. Iruka stopped, mollified...and stepped back from the Hokage's desk. He looked somewhat embarrassed. Apparently, he hadn't meant to invade his superior's personal space quite like that.
"I understand your fears," Sarutobi replied, "about the choice of jounin-sensei for Team Seven. And I agree. However, my hands are tied. He is the best possible choice."
Iruka scowled. "But Naruto..."
"Naruto-kun deserves a kind jounin-sensei, one who understands his situation. Unfortunately," Sarutobi sighed, "the Village Council doesn't see it that way. The Council's primary concern is keeping Naruto...contained. They want a jounin capable of handling him in case of any...incidents."
Iruka's expression hardened, his voice turning cold. "Someone who can kill him."
The Hokage winced, but met Iruka's stare. "Yes."
"That's ridiculous," Iruka objected, "Naruto's not a demon. He shouldn't be persecuted just because..."
"I know that," Sarutobi interrupted, "but they don't. And you...you used to think of him as a demon too, didn't you, Iruka-kun?"
Iruka averted his eyes. "That was...before I really knew him."
"Still, you understand the problem," Sarutobi continued, with a hint of weariness.
Iruka didn't answer.
After a pause, the Hokage spoke again. "It's not just a question of ability, or any experienced jounin would do. The Council also wants someone...reliable."
"Someone WILLING to kill him," Iruka hissed.
Sarutobi released a breath, shoulders slumping. "I wanted to assign Kakashi to Team Seven," he whispered.
In that instant, Iruka was struck by how old the Hokage really was. For a moment, Sarutobi looked his age, weak and frail. That troubled Iruka, but he pushed the thought aside.
Instead, he asked, "Kakashi?"
"Hatake Kakashi," Sarutobi explained, "he would have been good for Naruto."
The name was familiar to Iruka. Of course it was. Everyone knew Hatake Kakashi - the infamous Copy Ninja, disciple of the Fourth Hokage, and one of the most dangerous jounin of the Leaf.
Iruka frowned. "So...why can't he be Naruto's sensei?"
Sarutobi raised his head. "Because the Council believes he would be too sympathetic towards Naruto-kun...and too loyal to me."
"Too loyal?"
"I do not want Naruto dead, and Kakashi would never go against my wishes. But there are factions in the Council who want Naruto...that is..."
"That's treason," Iruka snarled.
"No," Sarutobi said wearily, "that's politics."
"So this," Iruka said, pointing to the printed list of team assignments, "this is their choice? Him?"
"Their choice," Sarutobi confirmed, "approved by the rest of the Council. But it isn't as bad as it sounds, Iruka-kun. I do trust him, myself. He's not the one I would have picked, but..."
"You...you trust him? But, but," Iruka protested, "he's Orochimaru's student!"
"He was Orochimaru's last apprentice, yes," Sarutobi said, shaking his head, "but he is not the same as Orochimaru. He is his own man, not a slave to his master. And while he might not be loyal to me, personally, he is a shinobi of the Leaf. He will not mistreat Naruto-kun."
Iruka sighed. "I hope you're right, Hokage-sama. I really do."
* * *
Naruto flailed his arms, trying desperately to keep his balance. He should have picked another chair to stand on. His current perch had a wobbly leg, which made things just a little difficult. But he'd only discovered that halfway through, after shifting his weight. The sudden swaying had nearly spelt disaster.
It would have ended very painfully for Naruto...if Sakura-chan hadn't caught him. Naruto thanked her profusely for the save, and offered to buy her ramen...but she brushed off his gratitude with an angry lecture on safety.
To be honest, Naruto felt he deserved it. But it still hurt to be scolded in front of Sasuke. He knew the bastard was laughing at him. Sasuke was all quiet and stuff, but Naruto was sure the bastard was laughing anyway. Sasuke was evil. The bastard wasn't even lifting a finger to help.
This was all Sasuke's fault, too. Naruto had started by placing a blackboard eraser over the classroom door, hoping to prank their jounin-sensei as he walked in.
But Sasuke had sneered in that irritatingly superior way of his, calling Naruto an idiot. According to Sasuke, a jounin would never fall for a simple trap like that.
So Naruto made a better trap.
With a grunt, Naruto extended his arm, slapping the last explosive tag in place. The script-laden note adhered to the doorframe, and Naruto felt the familiar tug of chakra as it armed.
Climbing carefully off the chair, Naruto ducked round a razor-sharp spiderweb of wire, crawling on his belly. Once clear, he got to his feet, grinning proudly. "How's THAT, huh? Huh? I told you, I make the best traps ever, dattebayo!"
Still seated at his desk, Sasuke raised his head. The other boy blinked once, twice, three times, and then said in a dry voice, "Your left tripwire is two degrees out of place."
Naruto whirled, jaw dropping. "What? WHAT? No it ain't!"
"Idiot," Sasuke muttered.
Sakura watched her teammates argue, unsure how to respond. It was wrong to build a death-trap for their sensei...wasn't it? But her voice in her head insisted: Well, he deserves it, doesn't he? Making us wait for him. It's almost five hours now!
FIVE HOURS!
And Sasuke-kun likes the idea...

Sasuke-kun's moods were hard to read, because he was so cool like that. But Sakura noticed he hadn't stopped Naruto from setting the trap, and even seemed to be egging Naruto on.
Meanwhile, Naruto broke off his verbal sparring with Sasuke, and went back to work. The orange-clad genin wiggled his way back into the heart of his creation. Easing his way atop the chair, he reached for the errant tripwire.
Moving slowly, Naruto slipped a hand into position. Adjusting the wire would be difficult, since the trap was already armed. It was still possible, but it required a great deal of care and precision. His eyes narrowed in concentration...
...then snapped open as a kunai flew past his head, close enough that the blade sliced off a few strands of hair.
That wasn't what shocked him, though.
Naruto's eyes widened in terror as the throwing knife hit the tripwire.
He didn't even have time to swear.
Sakura climbed out from behind her desk, coughing painfully. She cracked open her eyelids, and immediately regretted it. The smoke didn't just smell, it also stung. She wasn't sure what Naruto had used, but it was more than regular explosives.
She couldn't see Naruto, but there was another shape moving in the classroom, visible through the fumes. It was Sasuke-kun, his hands flickering through a rapid sequence of seals. "KATON," he yelled, "GOUKAKYUU NO JUTSU!"
The Uchiha spit a massive fireball, illuminating the smoke-filled classroom. It was then that Sakura realised what Sasuke was doing. There was someone standing at the back of the classroom, someone Sakura didn't recognise. However, she saw the threat - he had to be the one who threw the kunai, the one who triggered Naruto's trap.
Goukakyuu was a powerful jutsu...though Sasuke-kun was very strong, so Sakura wasn't surprised that he could use such a technique.
But Sasuke's target easily evaded the attack, treating it like it was nothing. The flames incinerated tables and chairs, scorching the rear wall of the classroom. Yet the intruder was unscathed.
Just as Sasuke ended the jutsu, another figure burst from the smoke: Naruto. The boy was burnt and bleeding from his own trap, but the injuries didn't seem to faze him.
Naruto roared, screaming an inarticulate battle-cry...which quickly turned into a yelp of surprise. Their attacker didn't dodge Naruto's tackle, or kawarimi away. He simply snatched the blond genin out of the air, spun round, and released him...sending Naruto flying straight at Sasuke.
The two boys collided with a painful crunch of bone.
Sakura steeled herself, forming the seal for bunshin.
Then she froze, mid-motion. "Sensei?"
The older ninja laughed, bringing his hands together in mock applause. "Very good, Sakura-san. I was wondering who would be the first to realise."
As the smoke cleared, Sakura took a good look at their jounin-sensei. He wasn't as old as she expected. His hair was grey, but not with age. He was still a teenager, only three or four years senior to Team Seven. He wore the standard armoured vest of high-ranking ninja, but over a white short-sleeved shirt and purple bodysuit, not the usual uniform.
There was a groan from floor level, then Sasuke's voice: "Get off me, idiot."
"Fine, fine," Naruto groaned, "it's not like I wanted to molest you. Our sensei's a pervert..."
The jounin arched an eyebrow. "What was that, Naruto-kun?"
"I said," Naruto shouted, as he untangled himself from Sasuke, "you're a PERVERT! You attacked us! You're the kinda sick paedophile that likes tormenting kids, aren'tcha? HUH?"
Their sensei smiled, gesturing to the door. Or what was left of the door, anyway. "You were setting a trap for me, Naruto-kun. How was I supposed to react?"
"You were late," muttered Sasuke, shooting a murderous look.
The jounin-instructor adjusted his glasses. "Was I? No. I was here before you, actually. I'm disappointed...none of you saw through my stealth genjutsu. We'll have to work on that."
"You were here," Sakura asked, "watching us?"
"See," Naruto grumbled, "he's a pervert."
Team Seven's sensei shrugged, spreading his hands.
Sasuke folded his arms. "If you were really watching," he challenged, "prove it."
The jounin smirked, reaching into his vest. His students tensed, wary of another attack. But when his hand emerged, it was clutching a small notebook, not a weapon. With a casual flick of the wrist, he tossed it to Sakura.
Mystified, Sakura opened the book. Almost immediately, Naruto appeared behind her, craning his neck, trying to read over her shoulder.
"You...wrote down everything we did," Sakura mumbled, "everything we said. And...these notes..."
She looked up. "Sensei, are these ANBU codes?"
"Close," the jounin replied, "it's medic-nin shorthand. Psychological and psychiatric evaluations."
"You were testing us," Sasuke said, flatly.
"A shinobi," the jounin answered, "must always look underneath the underneath."
"That doesn't make sense," Naruto complained.
Both his teammates turned to glare at him.
"So," Sakura said, finally, "did we pass?"
"Please, Sakura-san. There are more outcomes than just 'pass' or 'fail. But for now, yes. I'm Yakushi Kabuto, your jounin-sensei."
Kabuto sketched a little bow, eyes gleaming behind his glasses.
"Welcome," he said, "to Team Seven."

As a note, Sasuke is supposed to be...slightly less intense at the start of the story than he is in canon. That's intentional, because his background here...is somewhat different.
I'm pitching him as only slightly better adjusted, though, 'cause Sasuke isn't Sasuke without the antisocial angst and obsession.
I don't have a name for this project yet, though in my head I usually refer to it as 'Naruto: Infernal Affairs'. Movie reference aside, tho, that won't work as a permanent title... =P
-- Acyl

CattyNebulart

I'm probably a very bad guide on how the personalities work out since I have only seen the first 10 eps of naruto, supplemented by a lot of fanfics.
Sakura saving Naruto seemed OOC until it was revealed that Sasuke was egging him on. That would give her the excuse in her own mind to save him. (Not that she would let him get to real harm, but if it's only pain/mild injuries she would let Naruto suffer.)
Sasuke seems actually right on target to me, so if you where tryting to mak him less intense... well maybe after we see more.
Naruto calling their teacher a pervert seems off. Keep in mind the 2 teacher Naruto calls perverts are Jiraiya, who is pretty much a legendary pervert, and Kakashi who reads porn pretty much the entire time. Without those experiences I doubt he would be that quick to insult Kabuto.
Also Kabuto's background is very different, is that the AU part of this story? Semi-reliable info: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kabuto_Yakushi
E: "Did they... did they just endorse the combination of the JSDF and US Army by showing them as two lesbian lolicons moving in together and holding hands and talking about how 'intimate' they were?"
B: "Have you forgotten so soon? They're phasing out Don't Ask, Don't Tell."
Sakura is, honestly, a little difficult for me to write...mostly because I'm not altogether fond of her character...pre-Timeskip, anyway. I find her pretty neat in the recent manga. But her earlier appearences, ugh.
I think she's got a lot of potential, mind, in terms of concept...she's weaker, she's got no bloodline or special abilities...but she's got a brain. The whole disconnect between 'Inner' and 'Outer' Sakura has potential as well...I don't consider that a split personality thing, myself, more like symbolic of what she really thinks and wants to pass as.
Sasuke...well, you notice he doesn't actually say much in this introduction. And the third person interior monologue (or stream of consciousness) is largely split between Naruto and Sakura. I do intend to do more stuff from Sasuke's viewpoint in later bits, however...that might be more telling, or not.
As for Naruto...
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Without those experiences I doubt he would be that quick to insult Kabuto.
True.
On the other hand, we're talking about the guy who invented Sexy no Jutsu.
I suspect, pre-series, he's got a lot of experience calling adult ninja "perverts".
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Also Kabuto's background is very different, is that the AU part of this story?
It's an AU part of the story.
When Sarutobi talks about the Council, and the factions aligned against him... he is referring to a power bloc that opposes his leadership as Hokage.
The unofficial head of the opposition alliance is Danzo, but he's backed by the two most powerful clans in the Leaf - the Hyuuga and Uchiha.
Danzo has the support of the clan heads - Hyuuga Hiashi and Uchiha Itachi.
He is also backed by a Sannin, the only member of the legendary three to remain with the Hidden Leaf...
Orochimaru.
-- Acyl
To put it more explicitly, the Uchiha massacre...didn't happen the way it did in canon. Itachi isn't a missing-nin. He's still a shinobi in high standing with the village.
So is Orochimaru.
That's the two biggest points of divergence, I think. The men in red cloudy bathrobes will have a different tilt as well, but it won't be apparent until later.
I'm pretty much set on continuing this thing, if only so I can have Kabuto eventually deliver the line:
"Hello, Naruto-kun. Welcome to the counter-conspiracy."
-- Acyl
*Chuckles* Great! So this is to Naruto, plotwise, what EPU's NXE was was to Evangelion?
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What!? Were you expecitng something witty?
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*Chuckles* Great! So this is to Naruto, plotwise, what EPU's NXE was was to Evangelion?
*shrug* Well, I like NXE. Obviously, from the 'counter-conspiracy' crack. If you're gonna steal lines...imitation, flattery and all that...
This isn't NXE, though. NXE essentially subverted the Evangelion story to convey a different message from canon. A positive message, instead of the depression and angst pervading all Eva.
Naruto ain't that, though. Naruto, as a series, talks about virtues like self-sacrifice, friendship, teamwork...and dangers as well, such as the tragedy of lusting for power. Those are good themes. Themes I'm deliberately trying to stick to.
I'm retelling the Naruto story in a very different universe, with all sorts of funky background changes. So it's a different tale. Different plot.
But it's the same message.
Why the "counter-conspiracy"? Well, hell, I just love that line. But reference aside...I am building towards a scenario where our heroes are lined up against evil political machinations.
Clearly, with the likes of Danzo, Itachi and Orochimaru working together against the Third Hokage...things are going to build to some kinda epic confrontation.
Mild spoiler, perhaps. But the idea is, there's a coup, and the bad guys win. Orochimaru becomes the Fifth Hokage, and Naruto's pretty much out in the cold.
Except...that's not the end of the story.
-- Acyl
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This isn't NXE, though. NXE essentially subverted the Evangelion story to convey a different message from canon. A positive message, instead of the depression and angst pervading all Eva.
Naruto ain't that, though. Naruto, as a series, talks about virtues like self-sacrifice, friendship, teamwork...and dangers as well, such as the tragedy of lusting for power. Those are good themes. Themes I'm deliberately trying to stick to.
I'm retelling the Naruto story in a very different universe, with all sorts of funky background changes. So it's a different tale. Different plot.
But it's the same message.
Oh, I understood that right off the bat, especially the funky background changes - something else I think this might have in common with NXE. ^_^
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Mild spoiler, perhaps. But the idea is, there's a coup, and the bad guys win. Orochimaru becomes the Fifth Hokage, and Naruto's pretty much out in the cold.
Except...that's not the end of the story.
....
BRING IT ON!!!! ^_^V
Black Aeronaut Technologies Group, LLC
Aerospace Solutions for the discerning spacer

What!? Were you expecitng something witty?
*delurk*
Hmm. I have to wonder what become of Anko in this universe.
I think your grasp of the characters is on target. Naruto and Sakura act very much like themselves at this stage of the story, and Sasuke is just a hair friendlier as you said you wanted.
I'm actually somewhat concerned about that, since you've eliminated (or drastically changed, at least) the event that made Sasuke the way he is in canon. Without that or some similar trauma, given the glimpses we see of him pre-massacre, I doubt he would turn out anything close to the Sasuke we know from canon.
I agree that Naruto calling Kabuto a pervert seems a bit off. We've only really seen him call people perverts who were actively engaged in perversion, and his reasoning in deciding Kabuto is one doesn't really "feel" like Naruto.
I'm interested in what might have driven Jiraiya from the Leaf Village in this universe, given that canon at least heavily implies that he left because of Orochimaru's leaving.
This story actually has a lot of similarities to one of the ideas I'm toying with for my next project after One Hundred Days (and a lot of differences, too, of course). It'll be very interesting to see another writer's take on some of the same concepts.
Anyway, I enjoyed reading what you posted, and I hope some of my comments were of use. Oh, and in the spirit of ff.net... "zomg awesome update soon plz kthxbye!1" [Image: smile.gif] Aaron Nowack

Aaron Nowack
Anko shows up in the next bit I'm working on. I'll probably post that later today, maybe tomorrow. I need to tweak it some, 'cause I'm not sure about my use of Anko's 'voice'. Anyway, Anko, for my purposes, isn't changed all that much from canon - ie, she used to be Orochimaru's student, and now, well, isn't. I've got reasons for playing that straight.
'course, here, she's acting head of Leaf Intelligence...
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Without that or some similar trauma, given the glimpses we see of him pre-massacre, I doubt he would turn out anything close to the Sasuke we know from canon.
Similar trauma, yeah. And with Itachi still in the village, the reminders of it are rather more close to home. Exactly what's up with the Uchiha...I've got a vague plan for some scenes with Itachi and his cabal of young warhawks, the current leadership of the Uchiha clan. Then a (verbal) confrontation between Itachi and Sasuke that doesn't end well for little brother.
The next bit I've got drafted out begins from Sasuke's point of view, and may be illuminating in that regard. Or not. Depending.
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I agree that Naruto calling Kabuto a pervert seems a bit off. We've only really seen him call people perverts who were actively engaged in perversion, and his reasoning in deciding Kabuto is one doesn't really "feel" like Naruto.
Hmm. Given that's the second comment I've received in that respect...I really gotta think about that. I'll probably rewrite part of that first bit, at some point. If I keep the dialogue, I might have Kabuto...start by doing something deliberate that'd poke Naruto's perv-meter. Hmm.
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This story actually has a lot of similarities to one of the ideas I'm toying with for my next project after One Hundred Days (and a lot of differences, too, of course).
Huh, that's cool. Honestly, I feared that my notions would be regarded as silly or unworkable, and...
...wait, you're the guy behind One Hundred Days? Damn, I totally love that story. Jeez. o_o;;;
-- Acyl
(who still needs to find a title for this story.)
-- Acyl
Acyl, I like it. This could grow some really interesting twists.
May I tenatively suggest an alternative to "Pervert"? Sadist. It would fit without hardly changing any of your existing dialogue -- heck, maybe this could become Naruto's new favorite epithet, instead of "Pervert." [Image: smile.gif]
Naruto: "You're one of those watchacallums, a Sadie-Hawkinist, one that enjoys torturing children!"
Sasuke:
Sakura: "That's Sado-Masochist, Naruto."
Naruto: "Isn't that what I said?"
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Anyway, Anko, for my purposes, isn't changed all that much from canon - ie, she used to be Orochimaru's student, and now, well, isn't. I've got reasons for playing that straight.
Hmm. Interesting.
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If I keep the dialogue, I might have Kabuto...start by doing something deliberate that'd poke Naruto's perv-meter. Hmm.
That does sound like something Kabuto might do. Possibly even just for the fun of it.
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Huh, that's cool. Honestly, I feared that my notions would be regarded as silly or unworkable, and...
I'm tempted to say that no idea is inherently unworkable, but sadly I believe fanfiction.net has provided far too many contrary examples. This is definitely not one of those, though.
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-- Acyl
(who still needs to find a title for this story.)
Heh. I hate trying to come up with titles so much. I keep on swearing that I won't have chapter titles at least for my next story, and keep on doing it anyway.
...I wish I could come up with a suggestion, but it's tough to do without knowing the whole story. Good luck, though!

Aaron Nowack

Aaron Nowack
SkyeFire:
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Naruto: "You're one of those watchacallums, a Sadie-Hawkinist, one that enjoys torturing children!"
Sasuke:
Sakura: "That's Sado-Masochist, Naruto."
Naruto: "Isn't that what I said?"
I have a solution to the "pervert problem", as it were - simply have Kabuto make the first move. That said...daaaamn, I like that exchange, and with your permission, I will use it.
Sure, 'Sadie Hawkins' is a little fourth-wall, being a cultural reference that shouldn't have any meaning in the Naruto world. Buuut...the actual Naruto series is full of such references anyway. =D
anowack:
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I'm tempted to say that no idea is inherently unworkable, but sadly I believe fanfiction.net has provided far too many contrary examples. This is definitely not one of those, though.
Heh. Well, I think so too, really. That is, I think any concept's possible... it's not just the notion, it's the execution. You can take something really silly or cliche and spin a good story from it. Conversely, you can have a real good premise and run it into the ground with bad writing. I don't just mean bad prose, mind...but poor pacing, lousy structure, and so on. The thing about FF.net...is that many folks have terrible concepts and terrible writing, which doesn't really work.
As for titles...I'll figure out something. I'm not really thinking too hard, since I doubt I'll actually post this anywhere until I've got more of it actually written. Still getting the feel of the Naruto thing.
-- Acyl
(got the next immediate single scene completed - I'll post that tomorrow, if nothing else)
-- Acyl
Another short scene, following immediately after the last bit. Again, the usual question - am I getting the characters right, is this plausible, so on, so forth. =P
The other question is one of style. I write in both first-person interior monologue/stream of consciousness...or the more regular third-person narrative.
If I'm writing first-person, I tend to write fairly long and winding paragraphs...and consequently, lengthy scenes. Conversely, though, my third-person narratives tend to be fairly compact. I use short sentences, concise dialogue, and that makes it all pretty fast-paced.
I'm just wondering if it's too fast-paced. Is stuff zipping by too quickly?

This was a new situation, the dynamics of which Sasuke didn't yet comprehend. He didn't understand it, and he didn't like it.
He wasn't in control.
In the Academy, Sasuke knew what was expected of him. He knew what the teachers wanted, and how to achieve it.
He knew his goal in life. He knew how things stood between him and his brother. He grasped, fully, his vendetta with Itachi...and the only possible outcome of their eventual reckoning.
He knew that.
This...
This was different. This was new.
Sasuke looked across the table at Kabuto. The jounin was seated on the opposite side of the square table, with Naruto on the right and Sakura to his left. The team was in a small family-run restaurant, along one of the village's commercial streets. It was fairly late for lunch, so they had the place completely to themselves.
Kabuto had promised them a meal, ostensibly to make up for all the waiting in the classroom. So he'd brought them here.
Sasuke watched Kabuto through slitted eyes, trying to figure the jounin out. There was something about Kabuto that set him on edge - something that reminded Sasuke of his brother.
Kabuto didn't miss the intense scrutiny. He couldn't, not with the way Sasuke was staring at him. The Uchiha made no attempt to hide, openly challenging Kabuto with his gaze.
The jounin responded - not with ire, but with a smile.
"Come on, Sasuke-kun," Kabuto said, "I assure you, the food isn't poisoned."
Sasuke blinked. Belatedly, he realised that everyone was waiting for him. Well, Kabuto and Sakura were. Naruto was already clutching his chopsticks, an impatient look on his face.
"Fine," Sasuke muttered, picking up his own chopstick. He fended off Sakura's attempts to feed him, going for the food himself.
Kabuto had bought them each a bowl of rice - or in Naruto's case, noodles - plus some meat and vegetable dishes to share.
This meant Sasuke almost immediately found himself at war with Naruto, their utensils clashing as they fought for the same piece of chicken. The boys glared at each other, leaning across the table.
Kabuto watched them with a faint smile.
"Honestly, Naruto," Sakura complained, "can't you eat like a civilised person? Stop bothering Sasuke-kun!"
"I saw it first," Naruto insisted, tugging at the slice of meat.
Sasuke said nothing, but refused to give way, his chopsticks holding the other end of the meat in an iron grip.
"Na...RU...TO," Sakura growled, her voice rising dangerously.
Naruto paid her no heed, redoubling his efforts to win the chosen morsel...
...only to draw back, with a yell, when his chopsticks snapped.
Calmly, Sasuke popped the chicken into his mouth, and smirked.
Sakura was just as shocked as Naruto, but Kabuto had a speculative look on his face.
"Now, now," the jounin chided, "that wasn't nice, Sasuke-kun."
"Hmph," grunted Sasuke.
Naruto gasped, "What? What did he do?"
Instead of replying, Kabuto raised his hand, signalling a waiter. He asked for a new set of chopsticks for Naruto. It was Sakura who explained, her face lighting up as she discovered the answer.
"Chakra," she said, "Sasuke-kun channelled chakra through his chopsticks...and into Naruto's."
"That's CHEATING," Naruto wailed.
"That's ninjutsu," Kabuto corrected, as he placed some stir-fried vegetables into his own bowl, "though please refrain from further displays. We don't want to end up wrecking the restaurant."
For the next few minutes, they ate in relative silence, punctuated only by occasional outbreaks of violence between the two male genin.
Finally, Sasuke tired of the game. He pushed his rice bowl aside, and looked at Kabuto. "You didn't bring us here to eat," he said.
"Mmph?! Mmmph," Naruto blurted, his mouth full of noodles.
Kabuto tilted his head. "Didn't I?"
"You've hardly eaten anything, yourself. You've just been watching us," Sasuke stated, "in an obvious way. Like you want us to notice."
The jounin smiled.
"Kabuto-sensei," Sakura asked, "is this another test?"
"Of course," Kabuto replied, "everything's a test."
Naruto was somewhat perturbed by this, his face scrunching up. But that didn't put him off his food. It was rare for someone to actually buy him a meal, freely and of their own accord. If his pervert-sensei had an ulterior motive...well, so what? It was still a free lunch.
His teammates, however, were rather more suspicious. Both Sasuke and Sakura stared at the jounin, silently demanding an answer.
Kabuto rested his elbows on the table. He linked his fingers together, resting his chin in his hands. "A ninja," he said, "must always observe and analyse."
Sasuke frowned - and Kabuto grinned at him.
"Sasuke-kun," the jounin said, "you don't hold your chopsticks correctly."
Sakura started to object, but Kabuto cut her off. "I don't mean his table manners are bad. There's just a proper way to use chopsticks...which most people don't follow. These days, most parents don't actually teach their children. So many grow up holding chopsticks in their own way. Still perfectly serviceable, just slightly different from the 'correct' posture."
Kabuto turned to Sakura, then, favouring her with another of his knowing smiles. "Sakura-san...you, however, wield your chopsticks in precisely textbook fashion. Either your parents instructed you...or you deliberately practiced it yourself."
Sakura was torn between embarrassment and indignation. It showed on her face.
"I suspect the latter," Kabuto concluded.
Then he shifted his attention to Naruto. The blond was the only one at the table still eating.
"Naruto-kun," Kabuto said, "you use your chopsticks like a shovel."
"Oi," Naruto spluttered, a few flecks of half-chewed vegetables falling from his mouth.
"He's right," Sasuke agreed, with a smirk.
"Yeah," added Sakura, who was mildly disgusted.
Kabuto unfolded his hands, making a small gesture. "Then there's how you relate to each other. Sakura, you keep giving food to Sasuke."
Sakura blushed, going faintly crimson.
"Naruto," the jounin went on, "you seem determined not to let Sasuke get the best portions. But you're also saving the parts that Sakura likes - and slipping them into her bowl when she turns to feed Sasuke."
It was Naruto's turn to blush, while Sakura blinked at him, not quite sure how to react.
"And Sasuke...you don't care about either of them, you're just eating whatever you want."
"Hmph," Sasuke grunted.
Silence reigned round the table, once again, as they digested their food...and what Kabuto had said.
Once again, it was Sasuke who broke the impasse. He fixed the jounin with a level gaze. "So," he said, "are mind-games the only thing you play?"
"Oh, no," Kabuto laughed, "finish eating, all of you. Then we'll go get some exercise."

The chopsticks thing is true...or at least, it's true in Singapore. The last time I brought it up, I was having dinner with friends. The five of us were all Chinese (and raised that way), so we'd been eating with the things since we were kids. As it turned out, only one of us was using the "proper" technique.
My own way is fairly close, but I don't stretch out my fingers enough. I figure Sakura would have it right, though...if for no other reason than Kunoichi training.
Next up, Anko and Ibiki in the Hokage's office. And a fight scene.
-- Acyl
Quote:
I'm just wondering if it's too fast-paced. Is stuff zipping by too quickly?
Thus far, no.
Quote:
"Fine," Sasuke muttered, picking up his own chopstick. He fended off Sakura's attempts to feed him, going for the food himself.
Hmm. Are you sure you don't mean serve rather than feed here?
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"Yeah," added Sakura, who was mildly disgusted.
Would probably be better here to show that Sakura is disgusted somehow rather than just telling the reader that she is. Something as simple as just "added Sakura, making a disgusted face." would work, I think.
Other than that, no specific comments on that chunk of story, really. No characterization problems that I noticed.

Aaron Nowack

Aaron Nowack
Acyl: as far as the "Sadie Hawkinist" bit goes, please, feel free.
As for the second installment: Interesting. Low-key, but lots of setup to speculate about. And Sasuke as a POV character is working for me here.
I just wonder if Kabuto cares about teamwork like Kakashi... and if so, how *he'll* go about trying to get his fractious students to start looking out for each other.
anowack, you're right about the...I dunno, word choices, line edits, whatever they should be called. Thanks for the comment on the scene pacing.
I'll probably keep the rest of this moving at the current relative speed.
SkyeFire...huh, well, I'm glad it works. One thing I'm trying to do is to present a reasonable portrayal of all the key Naruto cast. Giving everyone a fair shake, as it were. It always annoys me when a fanfic author has a dislike against a particular character, and makes that all too apparent.
As for Kabuto...well, he's twisted. Who knows what he's thinking? =)
I'll probably work on editing the couple bits I've already put up...and post revised versions sometime over the weekend, along with any new material I've gotten out of draft stage.
-- Acyl