Drunkard's Walk Forums

Full Version: [Gundam Seed/xover] Gundam Seed Solar Chronicles Part 1-Phase 1: Grim Reality
You're currently viewing a stripped down version of our content. View the full version with proper formatting.

BYapes

 Well, as promised, here is the first part of the story I'm working on. As I said, I'm still tweaking this a bit, so I'd appreciate a look at what I have.  As an aside, I'm likely to be without Internet access till Tuesday, so if I don't reply at that time, that's why. With that, enjoy!
Brian Y.
Seed Chronicles
Brian Y.
Seed Chronicles
Mars. Free Republic. Facing a state that speaks German.

Jovian Chronicles.

Jovian Chronicles.

I love you forever.

So, clearly, ZAFT is replacing the JC canon Orbitals, and probably the Gundam powers are replacing CEGA. Man, this is gonna get neck deep real fast. The Bank is probably stirring the pot, and making much more sense about it than LOGOS, and ZAFT probably has actual allies here... If nothing else, they can buy backing from one of the Martian powers with technical support. God, way too many ways this could go...

Anyway. Prose is, perhaps, a little choppy, but acceptable, and the grammar and spelling are solid on a first pass. The 'add new characters to the opening sequence' is commonly used in Seed fanfic, and, I've found, usually a bad sign, but if your plot wants to have an agent from outside Earth's local system involved in the Heliopolis mess, there aren't many 'canon' JC characters to use... It does occur to me, though, that you might be able to bodge canon Seed characters to fit at least Yui's role - Shiho Hahenfuss jumps to mind as a candidate. Depending on how much alteration you're willing to do to get the result, you could adapt the DSSD crew from Stargazer as being 'from away', also.

Again, adding new characters can be handled well, but I've seen it done so badly so often that - even when, as here, most of the other 'warning signs' are missing - it raises a bit of a red flag.
===========

===============================================
"V, did you do something foolish?"
"Yes, and it was glorious."

BYapes

Valles Wrote:Mars. Free Republic. Facing a state that speaks German.

Jovian Chronicles.

Jovian Chronicles.

I love you forever.

So, clearly, ZAFT is replacing the JC canon Orbitals, and probably the Gundam powers are replacing CEGA. Man, this is gonna get neck deep real fast. The Bank is probably stirring the pot, and making much more sense about it than LOGOS, and ZAFT probably has actual allies here... If nothing else, they can buy backing from one of the Martian powers with technical support. God, way too many ways this could go...

****************
 Well, not exactly, although a xover between the two canons would be cool, though. I guess that's another bunny to work on.
 Anyways, I'm just using the Mars setting for now, combining it with the Red Faction games (Juli's family are those Masons, as future chapters will see, she's...inherited her great-grandfather's driving skills) The reason for that is that I took a look at Delta Astray (the canon Gundam Seed look at Mars), and basically felt like punching the protagonist in the balls Kenshiro style. Yeah, that unlikeable, again, MHO.
 That, and it just looks cool. Will it hold up? We'll see, right?
********************

Anyway. Prose is, perhaps, a little choppy, but acceptable, and the grammar and spelling are solid on a first pass. The 'add new characters to the opening sequence' is commonly used in Seed fanfic, and, I've found, usually a bad sign, but if your plot wants to have an agent from outside Earth's local system involved in the Heliopolis mess, there aren't many 'canon' JC characters to use... It does occur to me, though, that you might be able to bodge canon Seed characters to fit at least Yui's role - Shiho Hahenfuss jumps to mind as a candidate. Depending on how much alteration you're willing to do to get the result, you could adapt the DSSD crew from Stargazer as being 'from away', also.

Again, adding new characters can be handled well, but I've seen it done so badly so often that - even when, as here, most of the other 'warning signs' are missing - it raises a bit of a red flag.
  Yeah, I thought it was a little choppy, but it's my first fanfiction in quite a while, so I'm a bit rusty. As to the spelling: good, I was looking over everything to make sure I was at least close. (Scrivener makes this criminally easy.) As to everything else, I really didn't want to upset the boat too much per se, so there's that. As to the warning flags, thanks, I was trying to keep that low key. I've probably read the same number of 'fics where it wasn't handled properly. Those were usually the ones I stopped reading after a chapter or two.
 As for everything else, wait and see... Smile
 Brian Y.
 Seed Chronicles
Brian Y.
Seed Chronicles