[RFC][draft] DSKSWDYHMS? - Chapter 5 - Printable Version +- Drunkard's Walk Forums (http://www.accessdenied-rms.net/forums) +-- Forum: General (http://www.accessdenied-rms.net/forums/forumdisplay.php?fid=1) +--- Forum: Other People's Fanfiction (http://www.accessdenied-rms.net/forums/forumdisplay.php?fid=8) +---- Forum: Hangar 13 (http://www.accessdenied-rms.net/forums/forumdisplay.php?fid=36) +---- Thread: [RFC][draft] DSKSWDYHMS? - Chapter 5 (/showthread.php?tid=8165) |
[RFC][draft] DSKSWDYHMS? - Chapter 5 - Black Aeronaut - 08-07-2010 Here it is! Have at it. You guys know how it is, but for the newcomers: commentary on the story itself is much preferred. I'll hold off on the final sweep for a thorough grammar and spelling fix. Dear Sweet Kami-sama, Why Do You Hate Me So? - Chapter 5 Before me stood an army of darkness. They waited, eager to lay waste to my beautiful world. They had destroyed many worlds before. Some were worlds of my own creation. [color= 10pt; line-height: 115]MY WORLDS.[/color] [color= 10pt; line-height: 115]WITH MY CHILDREN.[/color] [color= 10pt; line-height: 115]They would not get another.[/color] Because behind me stood my army. They were various and misfit, each one bringing something a little different to the battle. But, in the amalgam they had been forged into, they were strong. [color= 10pt; line-height: 115]I had made sure of it.[/color] [color= 10pt; line-height: 115]We will be victorious, me and each of my loved ones.[/color] [color= 10pt; line-height: 115][/color] [color= 10pt; line-height: 115]My eyes opened and I saw the familiar ceiling of Rei’s guest room.[/color] [color= 10pt; line-height: 115]“Don’t move yet, grandson,” said an old man to my side.[/color] [color= 10pt; line-height: 115]Rei’s grandfather.[/color] “You passed out from exhaustion yesterday. Not just physical exhaustion, either. You’re a very resilient child, but even you can push yourself beyond your limits. It’s time you got a bit of rest. If you don’t feel like you’re going to pass out again, go ahead and sit up and have a look around.” I tried to move and the first thing I noticed was that I was heinously sore. I winced and forced my arms to work. They felt like they were made of sand – shifting wherever they wanted and utterly inert. Oh, and do I dare mention how the muscles burned? Despite that, I managed to somehow push myself up far enough to look around. [color= 10pt; line-height: 115]It was then that I noticed the weight on my stomach.[/color] [color= 10pt; line-height: 115]Rei was lying over me from the bedside, her face peaceful and her hair splayed out across her back and over the bed.[/color] “She stayed with you through the night, you know,” said Grandfather from a chair at the bedside. “I’ve never seen her care so much for a man since Kaidou. Well, seeing as you’re alright, I’ll go ahead and leave you two alone together. I know you’re still too tired to really try anything. And if she tries something…” The old Priest smiled and chuckled softly to himself. “Well, that’s up to her.” With that, he groaned as he stood up from the chair then began to shuffle out of the room. Before he shut the door, though, he stuck his head in once more and said, “As far as I’m concerned though, you have my blessings, Grandson. Make my Rei-chan happy.” And then the door slid shut. I let my head thump back into the pillow. “Well, that was surreal,” I muttered. I sighed as pulled my hands free of the covers and pushed the covers down from my chest – it was getting warm under there. My left hand fell upon Rei’s hair and I absent-mindedly began to play with it. Before long, I found myself stroking her head lovingly, pushing stray locks behind her ear. You see, this is one of my major problems; I have a nasty tendency to simply fiddle around with something and not really think about it. You know how some people seem to have a problem with their brain-to-mouth filters? Well, I got a problem with my brain-to-extremities filter. [color= 10pt; line-height: 115]And just as I realized what I was doing, her eyes slowly began to open.[/color] [color= 10pt; line-height: 115]“Good morning,” I said softly as I saw lucidity begin to fill her eyes and fear began to fill my chest.[/color] She then sat up. The motion wasn’t startled or jerky. She only wore a look of mild confusion as she put her hand to the side of her head, feeling where my hand had been before. “I can feel you here,” she said. “Your energy… it lingers.” I felt my eyes widen. “I’m so sorry! I really didn’t mean to do that! Honest!” “No Zeke,” she said, putting a hand on my chest and firmly shoving me down into the bed. “I don’t care anymore. Just make sure no one else sees anything like that.” And suddenly she leaned over me, her eyes shut, and I felt her lips pressing gently against my forehead. Then she came back upright with a smile on her face. She then looked outside and I followed her gaze. The sun was already rising high up into the sky. “Grandfather probably already told the school that I’m sick today.” I looked back to her and Rei faced me once more with a smile on her face. “That means you’re stuck with me today. Get up, Zeke! The first thing you are going to do is have a good meal. Then you are going to bathe and have a nice long soak in the furo to help loosen up those muscles of yours. And that will be followed by some of my calisthenics to beat the laziness out of your bones.” I blinked at that. “You practice martial arts?” Rei scoffed at me. “A miko must exercise her body as well as her mind and spirit. That’s why you never see a fat miko.” “So, I see,” I said with a grin. “How silly of me to not have thought of that.” [color= 10pt; line-height: 115][/color] Rei was as good as her word. I had a good meal, had an hour-long soak in the Furo, and then she promptly beat the ever-loving crap outta me with her calisthenics regime. You ever wonder why Japanese women are usually so skinny? Simple answer: selective breeding. Women in Japan were anything but sheltered. They were expected to be able to fight for themselves if it came down to it. Marvel at the weapon known as the naginata – a two-meter pole-arm with a wicked thirty-centimeter blade. That’s a hell of a lot of damage waiting to be dealt, there. I think I’d rather have the naginata than the katana. And it was made explicitly for women to defend themselves. A man caught using a naginata was either completely out of options or cross-dressing. A woman that wasn’t fit enough to wield her naginata was not considered to be worthwhile. After all, she couldn’t even protect herself. Japan was a dangerous place, what with Samurai Lords waging war on each other all the time! Times have changed, but the genetic precedent that was set for a thousand years hasn’t. The majority of Japanese women are trim looking creatures of femininity and they do not have to expend much effort to maintain that fitness as long as they don’t overeat. Trust me, that is pretty much a given anyways. I saw how much Rei was eating and was vaguely disturbed, even after she repeatedly assured me that she would be fine with her small portion. Usagi seems to overeat, but that isn’t true either. The fact of the matter is that she’s simply stocking up for what will probably be a colossal growth spurt. I could tell because while she’s shorter than the other girls, her shoe size is rivaled only by Makoto’s. Mamorou wouldn’t have to lean down for too much longer. Rei, though, is evenly proportioned. She’s already grown as tall as she’s going to get, and I doubt she’s going to fill out much more than she has now. The only way that would change would be if she got pregnant. …Do not go there. That is for much, much later, and only if she wants the job. But anyhow… I can’t argue with the results. Rei is drop-dead gorgeous. Even in a simple work-out ghi that does as much as possible to hide her physique. Focus, Zeke, or else… Too late![color= 10pt; line-height: 115][/color] [color= 10pt; line-height: 115]The wood of an unstrung long-bow cracked across my head.[/color] “Idiot!” snapped Rei. “Don’t look at me! Focus on what you’re doing!” “Yes sempai!” I grunted out and corrected my stance. Calisthenics was not the only thing on the regimen, it had turned out. [color= 10pt; line-height: 115]Rei studied Aikido.[/color] Very fitting of Shinto – it was all about harmony. A harmony achieved with your opponent that you are in control of. It was a concept that I was very familiar with. Rei may have been able to outmaneuver me the day I used a nikyou hold against her. She meant every word when she said that if she ever got out of that hold that she’d make me suffer. I simply got the drop on her there. And now, here, under her Grandfather’s watchful eyes, she would mold me into a proper grappler. It was really no coincidence that I had started to learn Aikido myself. My Grandpa Bear was a close friend of Rei’s Grandfather, and together the two had studied Aikido. When my Grandpa returned to America, he brought what he had learned with him and eventually passed it on to his daughter, who got my Father hooked on it, who in turn insisted that I learn some of the basics. At least I had a foundation to build off of. I just needed some polish before Rei would really start teaching me other things. Grandfather chuckled. “You see, Rei-chan? A man really will go to any length to please his woman. You’ve hooked a good one.” “Grandfather!” cried out Rei, scandalized and turning an attractive shade of pink. “Not right now!” The old coot just cackled. Mental Note: Ask Raven if the old man’s got some sort of affiliation. Though I sensed I already knew the answer. Troublesome. I got a closet-follower of Raven for a future-Grandfather. “Heeeehhhh!” came a voice I knew. Imouto-chan, aka Tsukino Usagi, was here, and she brought the entire troop. “Zee-nii-san is so cool!” “I think that will be enough for today, Zee-kun,” said Grandfather. “Good work today, both of you.” We bowed to Dojo and then to each other. [color= 10pt; line-height: 115]“Zee-kun, I never knew you studied martial arts,” said Makoto, a gleam in her eye.[/color] “Zee-kun small,” said Kubiak, “but tough. Big surprise in little package.” Kubiak smiled innocently while we all suffered through an awkward silence with reddened faces. “Riiiiight,” I drawled, breaking the ice. “So what bring you guys here?” [color= 10pt; line-height: 115]“We have unfinished business, young man,” said Luna from Usagi’s shoulder.[/color] “Oh, right. Business with Raven-sama. Well, that would depend on my doctor’s orders right now. Rei?” Rei gave me a sidelong look, then adopted a pious expression. “You will need to take a bath first because you need to get cleaned up and relax those muscles again, followed by another meal to restore your energy levels, and then you should be fine after that.” “What about you? Don’t you want to bathe first?” Rei looked at me sharply. “You’re the one that nearly killed himself yesterday. I can wait a few more minutes. Now go! The longer you stay here, the longer I have to wait!” Whoah! Sir, yes sir! [color= 10pt; line-height: 115]“Right, I’m going then,” I said as I turned and walked past the Meat Miracle and the other girls.[/color] [color= 10pt; line-height: 115]I then smiled and stifled a laugh as I heard Rei sharply snap at her friends.[/color][color= 10pt; line-height: 115][/color] The bath was exactly what I needed. Muscles that were threatening to seize under Rei’s carefully applied punishment relaxed and unknotted in the hot bath water. [color= 10pt; line-height: 115]It also helped that I placed myself in a meditative state, finding the tense spots through judicious attention to myself and getting them to relax.[/color] I don’t really know how long I was at it – time-sense goes to hell when you meditate properly. There was a sudden noise that brought me back without warning and I knew that I was not alone. “Zeke! I thought you were done already!” cried out Rei in indignation. “Why didn’t you say anything when I came in earlier?” [color= 10pt; line-height: 115%;">Crap.Next came the needle. Right. Focus, Zeke.[/i]“Yes, Dad.”[/i] - Jorlem - 08-07-2010 Nice. If you don't mind my asking for a reminder, they're going after those artifacts because Moon's powers aren't working anymore, right? ----- Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea. "Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber." --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia. - robkelk - 08-07-2010 One minor suggestion and one major-to-me characterization gaffe... The minor suggestion is to move the very first scene to the start of Chapter 1, to let new readers know up front this isn't "just" a Sailor Moon fanfic. The characterization gaffe is in the furo scene. Rei revealed her feelings to Zeke, and his only reply was that he wanted to get out of the tub. Most women would be upset in that sort of situation; she opened up to the guy she likes, but he's thinking only of himself. It doesn't matter how close they are, that's going to get on her nerves unless she has no passion at all... and Rei is very passionate. Either Rei should have some reaction to Zeke's apparent unfeeling to her, or Zeke should acknowledge Rei's feelings so she doesn't have any reason for that sort of reaction - I'm not sure which would be better for the story in the long run. -- Rob Kelk "Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of the same sovereign, servants of the same law." - Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012 - Black Aeronaut - 08-07-2010 Jorlem: That's right. It's the point in the series where Usagi is about to get the upgrade. Zeke's hurrying things along a little bit, but what's really ironic is that he winds up fighting the Cardian that provoked Sailor Moon's upgrade. Rob: Thank you so very much! I should have caught that. That scene was originally giving me problems because I thought it was a bit too gushy... guess I went a little too far. (^_^ I'll see what I can do with that scenelet at the beginning. It might go good if mixed up somehow with the Yggdrasil login bit. - Jorlem - 08-08-2010 blackaeronaut Wrote:Jorlem: That's right. It's the point in the series where Usagi is about to get the upgrade. Zeke's hurrying things along a little bit, but what's really ironic is that he winds up fighting the Cardian that provoked Sailor Moon's upgrade.Won't it be frustrating when the upgrade doesn't work either, then. The reason Moon's powers started failing wasn't because of anything to do with artifacts themselves, but Usagi's "I just want to be normal" attitude. They say it right out in episode 51, when Luna and Usagi are falling through the whitespace: Quote:Luna: Usagi, you came back as a Sailor Senshi, but you still...This is the point when Queen Serenity shows up, gives Usagi a pep talk, and fixes her broach. In my opinion, it was the pep talk that was the most important bit, not the new toys. My personal thoughts are that the problems are in part coming from the resurrection she performed on herself at the end of season one. Before that, I think she had two 'souls', Usagi Tsukino and Princess Serenity. This let her lead two lives, one for each soul, Usagi for Usagi and Serenity for Sailor Moon. The resurrection fused them together somehow, or only restored Usagi's soul, so she isn't able to lead a double life anymore. The same thing happened to Mamoru, but in the opposite direction, bringing Moonlight Knight into existence. ----- Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea. "Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber." --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia. - Black Aeronaut - 08-08-2010 Thanks for the insight, Jorlem! That's absolutely priceless! (^_^) And now I have ideas about how things can turn out differently. - Jorlem - 08-08-2010 Glad to be of what help I can. Something else that occurred to me about the whole Moonlight Knight situation: Between Usagi finding out Tux's true identity, and the resurrection, she never really had a chance to get to know Mamoru, thanks to the whole brainwashing thing. While she knew they were the same person intellectually, I wonder if she was able to reconcile them being the same person emotionally. If she wasn't, that could be an alternate explanation as to why he was brought back as two people. Also, as a side note, the Doom Tree only started talking after it absorbed Moonlight Knight. right? ----- Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea. "Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber." --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia. - Black Aeronaut - 08-09-2010 Interesting. It never really occurred to me to explore Usagi and Mamouru's relationship like that. (^_^ It'll make nice side-story fodder. And yes, as far as I can recall it didn't start talking until after that point. |