I haven't responded because the last week I have been finishing a trial contract to try to get a job, getting threatened to have a defamation lawsuit against me. Then instead of a lawsuit they filed internal complaints against me by two different people; I wrote one counter-complaint, accusing the other side of at least four criminal acts, including a felony. And my best friend came to visit from Holland.
The spoons thing is interesting. The TL;DR of it is that people with some kind of disability only have so many activity tokens ("spoons"), and anything you want to do consumes one of these. Most people are time limited, but people with disabilities have additional limits, beyond which they are not okay. The thing is, I'm like this too. I can do most things without limits, but to me social interaction is very tiring, often physically.
So all of those things above turned out to be really good, but they still consume spoons. Even the lawsuit thing. Because at some point I came to the realization that this is what it's like to be a woman, and what all of the #MeToo is about. Being exploited for no real reason, then when I simply try to tell the truth about what happened, people with money and power intimidate me into silence. Of course, I'm almost 40 years old so it's not really living like women do, to experience it the first time at this age. But it's enough to provide empathy; it's enough to be able to write the situation with experience. The situation is not resolved, but I think maybe... maybe I can write Utena fic now. Achievement unlocked, I guess.
I understand BA's desire to get feedback, but the thing is, it takes a whole spoon to do so for me. It's not like just reading or watching TV, it's needing to react, and give feedback. And because we've had issues in feedback in the past, I can't just dash off what I'm thinking -- I have to think carefully to put in terms that won't make you defensive. I have to be careful what I say, because my normal mode of blunt communication is ineffective with you, and you deserve better. It's also not passive reading either, because in reading I always have to consider the implications on what my own writing would be, which makes my mind wander and thus reading much slower.
In any case giving feedback takes a social interaction token, and guess what, for the past week I have been all the fuck out of 'em. I tried reading it last week, I really did. All I could manage was one question on Discord, and I forgot most of it beyond a vague sense of the story being okay. Sorry.
The spoons thing is interesting. The TL;DR of it is that people with some kind of disability only have so many activity tokens ("spoons"), and anything you want to do consumes one of these. Most people are time limited, but people with disabilities have additional limits, beyond which they are not okay. The thing is, I'm like this too. I can do most things without limits, but to me social interaction is very tiring, often physically.
So all of those things above turned out to be really good, but they still consume spoons. Even the lawsuit thing. Because at some point I came to the realization that this is what it's like to be a woman, and what all of the #MeToo is about. Being exploited for no real reason, then when I simply try to tell the truth about what happened, people with money and power intimidate me into silence. Of course, I'm almost 40 years old so it's not really living like women do, to experience it the first time at this age. But it's enough to provide empathy; it's enough to be able to write the situation with experience. The situation is not resolved, but I think maybe... maybe I can write Utena fic now. Achievement unlocked, I guess.
I understand BA's desire to get feedback, but the thing is, it takes a whole spoon to do so for me. It's not like just reading or watching TV, it's needing to react, and give feedback. And because we've had issues in feedback in the past, I can't just dash off what I'm thinking -- I have to think carefully to put in terms that won't make you defensive. I have to be careful what I say, because my normal mode of blunt communication is ineffective with you, and you deserve better. It's also not passive reading either, because in reading I always have to consider the implications on what my own writing would be, which makes my mind wander and thus reading much slower.
In any case giving feedback takes a social interaction token, and guess what, for the past week I have been all the fuck out of 'em. I tried reading it last week, I really did. All I could manage was one question on Discord, and I forgot most of it beyond a vague sense of the story being okay. Sorry.
"Kitto daijoubu da yo." - Sakura Kinomoto
