Spammy Comments on Matrix Dragon/MatrixDragon's arc - 10594: the Hunt for Reichsman
Title: With the latest patch to Test (23/3/2009), the arc's display title in the browser is busted...as indeed most are. The codes for spaces are actually showing up, rather than, well, as spaces. I suspect there were backend changes to how the MA parses text - using real spaces where possible to save on file size.
Initial mission text: 'The morning calm is broken by your bases computer...' Should probably be 'base's computer' with an apostrophe?
Mission 1 text: 'Panzergeist must have screwd things up somehow!' Typo, 'screwed', I assume.
Mission 1 End: Did you inadvertantly leave a single space on the mission success popup box field? I got what appeared to be an empty dialogue box on exiting.
Mission 1 thoughts: I liked the custom boss, and I thought his dialogue was well done. The two allies you rescue were also pretty well-scripted. However, I wonder if you might be better off with setting the boss to spawn only after the allies are rescued. As it was, due to where each ended up spawning, I ran into the boss first and then had to go around looking for the folks to rescue. Slightly anticlimatic.
Mission 2 end dialogue: 'Captain Jones pulls you aside from a brief word'. Should probably be 'for a brief word'.
Mission 2 thoughts: Again, I got an empty dialogue box when exiting this mission. I'm starting to wonder if that's a GENERAL issue and not something confined to your arc. Need to go test others to verify this. The end-of-mission dialogue seems somewhat jarring - it took me a second to realise you meant it to be said by the PPD guy rescued in the first mission. Not sure if that's just my reading comprehension: phail, or if something can be done to increase clarity on this matter. Perhaps 'Captain Jones of the PPD' might help, perhaps highlight that italicized line in orange or yellow. But I'll freely admit the problem may be just me.
Mission 3 intro dialogue: 'Part Thre: Cell Inspection'. Should probably be 'Three'. 'Sometimes you have to wonder' - 'sometimes' is capitalized, grammatically speaking it probably shouldn't. 'Even if Panzergeists equipmnent did work'...should be 'Panzergeist's equipment'.
Mission 3 thoughts: Okay, the objectives were really fun, but HOLY CRAP were there a LOT of them. The mission nav looked hella cluttered when I zoned in. Maaaaaybe think about setting up some objectives to spawn after the initial ones are complete? The glowies all have to spawn at once, I know, but the bosses maybe? Do you also need two bosses? The second didn't seem to say much.
I also have a slight issue with the clue. It says 'While you're not an expert on superadvanced machines...' - the thing is, you're probably assuming too there. Some people's characters ARE genius scientists. =D
Mission 3 end dialogue: 'Panzergeists' should be 'Panzergeist's'?
Mission 4 intro dialogue: 'PPDs interviews of...' should be 'PPD's'. 'location of Axis Americas dimensional...' should be 'America's'. 'While it won't eliminate the threat of Axis Ameria' should be 'America'.
Mission 4 thoughts: JEEZ! The heck? THAT many glowies? I think I died a little inside. =( This wasn't fun for me. This was a pain in the ass. That alone made me seriously dislike the mission - which isn't good when it's the last one. I admit that glowie hunt on this map isn't THAT much of a pain, but still, the number of 'em...enh, well. Your choice of EB did make me smile though. Typo in your EB's bio, however - 'direct apporach', instead of 'direct approach'.
Mission 4 end dialogue: 'is waiting for you when you ruturn...' should be 'return'. 'Reichsmans cell' should be 'Reichsman's cell'?
Overall Thoughts: The way you handled the narrative was interesting. Rather than dialogue from a single contact, I like how you put everything in terms of the 'base computer console' to allow mission briefs and such from different individuals. Or just more general stuff. I found that rather charming, actually...especially the bit in the second mission intro where you went 'Your research into Reichman reveals...'
The trouble is, I'm not sure that's cool for everyone. First the jumping-around can be problematic. Secondly, some of the mission text kinda breaks the old saw about "show, not tell". The research bit, for instance, at the start of Mission 2. I don't have an issue with that, mind. And hell, many clues in the regular game are like that. But finding it in the mission dialogue feels a bit strange. Points for trying to depart from the conventional 'talking head' contact dialogue and doing something more like an old choose-your-own adventure, mind. But I'm not sure everyone will like it...particularly problematic if it seems to be forcing assumed behaviour on other folks' characters.
This is PARTICULARLY so in your fully verbalized responses as mission acknowledgement dialogue - Mission 3's acceptance option comes to mind: 'You don't mind if I take a look, just in case', and so on.
I know the canon arc material does this sometimes... but realise there's a LOT of people who take offense in lines scripted for them; people complain about the Origin of Power canon arc responses and so on. It may be best to phrase custom mission acceptance options for people to click on in terms of action - like 'Check out the cell' as opposed to what might be a spoken response.
Similarly, your clue for Mission 3 - as mentioned above - assumes the player character is not a technological whiz. This...might not be a wise idea.
I mean, there's a reason that all the substantial canon CoH mission text is usually spoken by the contact - it puts the onus of characterisation on the contact, while leaving the player untouched and a blank slate. Plus stuff that's said is subjective anyhow, rather than laid down in text. All of Mission 4's intro dialogue is like... 'THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED' - with no room for interpretation.
That's the theory according to Hero 1, anyway. How far that works, I dunno. I ain't sayin' your way is ZOMG AWFUL AND BROKEN - like I said, I liked it myself. But I'm trying to provide constructive review. =D
(All that said, I did like this. =)
-- Acyl
Title: With the latest patch to Test (23/3/2009), the arc's display title in the browser is busted...as indeed most are. The codes for spaces are actually showing up, rather than, well, as spaces. I suspect there were backend changes to how the MA parses text - using real spaces where possible to save on file size.
Initial mission text: 'The morning calm is broken by your bases computer...' Should probably be 'base's computer' with an apostrophe?
Mission 1 text: 'Panzergeist must have screwd things up somehow!' Typo, 'screwed', I assume.
Mission 1 End: Did you inadvertantly leave a single space on the mission success popup box field? I got what appeared to be an empty dialogue box on exiting.
Mission 1 thoughts: I liked the custom boss, and I thought his dialogue was well done. The two allies you rescue were also pretty well-scripted. However, I wonder if you might be better off with setting the boss to spawn only after the allies are rescued. As it was, due to where each ended up spawning, I ran into the boss first and then had to go around looking for the folks to rescue. Slightly anticlimatic.
Mission 2 end dialogue: 'Captain Jones pulls you aside from a brief word'. Should probably be 'for a brief word'.
Mission 2 thoughts: Again, I got an empty dialogue box when exiting this mission. I'm starting to wonder if that's a GENERAL issue and not something confined to your arc. Need to go test others to verify this. The end-of-mission dialogue seems somewhat jarring - it took me a second to realise you meant it to be said by the PPD guy rescued in the first mission. Not sure if that's just my reading comprehension: phail, or if something can be done to increase clarity on this matter. Perhaps 'Captain Jones of the PPD' might help, perhaps highlight that italicized line in orange or yellow. But I'll freely admit the problem may be just me.
Mission 3 intro dialogue: 'Part Thre: Cell Inspection'. Should probably be 'Three'. 'Sometimes you have to wonder' - 'sometimes' is capitalized, grammatically speaking it probably shouldn't. 'Even if Panzergeists equipmnent did work'...should be 'Panzergeist's equipment'.
Mission 3 thoughts: Okay, the objectives were really fun, but HOLY CRAP were there a LOT of them. The mission nav looked hella cluttered when I zoned in. Maaaaaybe think about setting up some objectives to spawn after the initial ones are complete? The glowies all have to spawn at once, I know, but the bosses maybe? Do you also need two bosses? The second didn't seem to say much.
I also have a slight issue with the clue. It says 'While you're not an expert on superadvanced machines...' - the thing is, you're probably assuming too there. Some people's characters ARE genius scientists. =D
Mission 3 end dialogue: 'Panzergeists' should be 'Panzergeist's'?
Mission 4 intro dialogue: 'PPDs interviews of...' should be 'PPD's'. 'location of Axis Americas dimensional...' should be 'America's'. 'While it won't eliminate the threat of Axis Ameria' should be 'America'.
Mission 4 thoughts: JEEZ! The heck? THAT many glowies? I think I died a little inside. =( This wasn't fun for me. This was a pain in the ass. That alone made me seriously dislike the mission - which isn't good when it's the last one. I admit that glowie hunt on this map isn't THAT much of a pain, but still, the number of 'em...enh, well. Your choice of EB did make me smile though. Typo in your EB's bio, however - 'direct apporach', instead of 'direct approach'.
Mission 4 end dialogue: 'is waiting for you when you ruturn...' should be 'return'. 'Reichsmans cell' should be 'Reichsman's cell'?
Overall Thoughts: The way you handled the narrative was interesting. Rather than dialogue from a single contact, I like how you put everything in terms of the 'base computer console' to allow mission briefs and such from different individuals. Or just more general stuff. I found that rather charming, actually...especially the bit in the second mission intro where you went 'Your research into Reichman reveals...'
The trouble is, I'm not sure that's cool for everyone. First the jumping-around can be problematic. Secondly, some of the mission text kinda breaks the old saw about "show, not tell". The research bit, for instance, at the start of Mission 2. I don't have an issue with that, mind. And hell, many clues in the regular game are like that. But finding it in the mission dialogue feels a bit strange. Points for trying to depart from the conventional 'talking head' contact dialogue and doing something more like an old choose-your-own adventure, mind. But I'm not sure everyone will like it...particularly problematic if it seems to be forcing assumed behaviour on other folks' characters.
This is PARTICULARLY so in your fully verbalized responses as mission acknowledgement dialogue - Mission 3's acceptance option comes to mind: 'You don't mind if I take a look, just in case', and so on.
I know the canon arc material does this sometimes... but realise there's a LOT of people who take offense in lines scripted for them; people complain about the Origin of Power canon arc responses and so on. It may be best to phrase custom mission acceptance options for people to click on in terms of action - like 'Check out the cell' as opposed to what might be a spoken response.
Similarly, your clue for Mission 3 - as mentioned above - assumes the player character is not a technological whiz. This...might not be a wise idea.
I mean, there's a reason that all the substantial canon CoH mission text is usually spoken by the contact - it puts the onus of characterisation on the contact, while leaving the player untouched and a blank slate. Plus stuff that's said is subjective anyhow, rather than laid down in text. All of Mission 4's intro dialogue is like... 'THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED' - with no room for interpretation.
That's the theory according to Hero 1, anyway. How far that works, I dunno. I ain't sayin' your way is ZOMG AWFUL AND BROKEN - like I said, I liked it myself. But I'm trying to provide constructive review. =D
(All that said, I did like this. =)
-- Acyl