[RFC] Fate/Stay Night: While Under Seven

[Seraviel]

-Edit : Fixed issue with tenses. Added description of Berserker's weapon.-Edit 2 : Fixed based on Florin & Deadpan29's comments.
I suppose [RFC] means something akin to story or review. I actually have no clue. Sorry if I happen to be misusing it.
Since quite a few people are posting stories lately, I'll pitch in and bring out one of my own. It's a F/SN AU inspired by Nerve Damage and What it takes to win, two great stories I recommend to everyone who likes F/SN.
Warning: Spoilers for Fate/Zero. If course, if you are a fan of F/SN, you have no reason not to have seen it.
So, without further ado, Fate/Stay Night: While Under Seven
Chaos theory said it best: the smallest of event can have the greatest of impacts.
But the actual start event, the first domino to fall, differs always. Sometimes it’s a dream, sometimes a curse, sometimes even finding a mentor.
And, some few times, it is a conversation.
-F/SN:W
-People may die, but ideas are forever. Je suis Charlie.

[Star Ranger4]

actually here it means Request for Commentary. Which could be anything from a full pre-read deconstrution to a "Hmm. I dunno, something about it just feels off" around here
Hear that thunder rolling till it seems to split the sky?
That's every ship in Grayson's Navy taking up the cry-
NO QUARTER!!!
-- "No Quarter", by Echo's Children

[Florin]

Hrm, there's a few spelling errors here and there (mostly words missing an s on the end) but nothing major.

During the fight with Lancer you've got the line "Luckily, she had jumped back before the invocation and the spear head dodged her heart by inches." Dodged should be missed, unless Saber was trying to bludgeon Gae Bolg with a major organ for some reason.

And in the fight with Berserker:
'Both of Shirou’s servants reacted instantly. Their clothes turned back into what they were wearing previously, and they each got into their preferred positions. Rider jumped back, getting the range she prefered for her weapons while Saber dashed forward and intercepts the giant’s attack. Her invisible weapon meets the slab of rock Berserker is using as a sword and deflects it. The beast doesn’t react, only striking another blow.'

You kinda switch tenses halfway through the paragraph.

You might want to have Rin or someone make a comment about how supporting two, much less four servants should drain so much mana as to kill any normal magus instantly. Also makes me wonder if Saber's at full power or not, but I can wait for the answer to that because of my next point:

Saber is way to free with information. At this point she should barely trust Shiro, thanks to the events of Fate/Zero and his connection to Kiritsugu, and be treating Rin as a flat out enemy. The information about the previous war (especially since having it gives away that she's not a normal servant) is something she should be keeping under wraps. As I recall in the original story, she didn't even let Shirou in on that until Gilgamesh showed up (although their were hints, but Shirou isn't a good enough mage to pick up on them).
--
If you become a monster to put down a monster you've still got a monster running around at the end of the day and have as such not really solved the whole monster problem at all. 

[Seraviel]

Thank you about your comments.
I had missed the first error, and thought I had completely fixed the second. I'll have to work on that.
Rin has had too many shocks in too little a time to make that realization. Don't worry she'll be back in force in the next part. And no, Saber's not at full power, none of the servants are. That the main reason why Rider hasn't used her noble phantasm again, and why only archer tried bringing out his own.
As for saber, she's in a different situation than in the original story. With the number of servants shirou has, she feels a little less necessary and is trying to prove herself useful. That combined with her natural knightly loyalty and her tendency not to lie makes it so she answers.
Finally, she does see Rin as an opponent. That's why she waited on her master's approval before talking.
I do realize however that I haven't made the last point clear enough. I'll revise the story with that in mind.
Many thanks,
Seraviel
-People may die, but ideas are forever. Je suis Charlie.

[deadpan29]

In the line, "Suddenly, she was engulfed in shadow. A monster had appeared right behind her, overshadowing her presence instantly," it is unclear who "she" is. A few lines later it becomes clear that it is Ilya, but that is later.

I know Rin has spent much of her life studying heroic spirits, but figuring out who the previous caster was from just the Joan of Arc obsession seems like a far leap for her to make. It's not actually necessary for the characters to learn everything the readers know, especially if it is not really relevant to their current problems.
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No, I don't believe the world has gone mad.  In order for it to go mad it would need to have been sane at some point.

[Seraviel]

True.

I'll fix that, then.

Thank you,

Seraviel
Edit: Main post now fixed.
-People may die, but ideas are forever. Je suis Charlie.

[Seraviel]

Here's the next part of the story, the first part fo chapter 2. This chapter will unfortunately mostly be planning, along with information about the world and the story.
As always, All comments are welcome, whatever their form.
-F/SN:W
-People may die, but ideas are forever. Je suis Charlie.