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[RFC] Shadows of Time: A Battletech Fan fiction
[RFC] Shadows of Time: A Battletech Fan fiction
#1
I started writing a BattleTech Fan fic set in the Dark Age timeline. It is in no way attached or coordinated with Candle in the Dark
here it is: http://bg.battletech.com/forums/index.p ... 157.0.html
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#2
I like the concept.  From a conceptual standpoint, you do a good job of executing it, and I salute you for it.
That said, I'd definitely recommend finding somebody to beta for you, because your technical execution could use a bit of polish.  Every time I was just getting into the story, I'd come across a clunky sentence, and fall right back out of it.  It feels like most of your sentences go on for a clause or two too long, and a number of phrases get repeated in a slightly jarring way.
If you can clean that up, I think you'll have something really great here.  Thanks for posting the link!

My Unitarian Jihad Name is: Brother Atom Bomb of Courteous Debate. Get yours.

I've been writing a bit.
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#3
Quote:Bluemage wrote:
Every time I was just getting into the story, I'd come across a clunky sentence, and fall right back out of it.  It feels like most of your sentences go on for a clause or two too long, and a number of phrases get repeated in a slightly jarring way.
I agree. Let me put it this way - when I read your story, I kept running out of breath. Lack of oxygen kind of prevented me from enjoying your work.
Okay. I should explain that. See, a common editing trick is to read your sentences out loud. As if they were spoken. You don't have to dramatically deliver your written lines to an empty room, just sounding the syllables out quietly will do the trick. Or read them to yourself in your head, but with a voice, as if you were speaking.
Once you do that, you'll be able to see where the pauses and natural breaks should be. This is most important for dialogue, but it should make your sentences more readable in general. Right now, it seems like when you begin a sentence or paragraph...you're not sure when to stop.
You have content. It's even pretty good content. What you need to consider is presentation and flow.
EDIT: I realise it's probably a pretty big dick move to comment just on the writing from a technical point of view, while giving zero feedback about the plot, narrative, and things like that. I DO think this has potential, and would like to see more. The world needs more BattleTech fanfic. Unfortunately, like Bluemage, I really couldn't get immersed in the story. My editor-sense just kept tingling.
EDIT 2: Alright, another comment. You've got big meaty paragraphs from the perspective of the jumpship captain and the Shadowcat pilot. That's good, that shows you've thought about the motivations and views of your character.
The trouble is, these are infodumps. These are HUGE paragraphs, longer than your other paragraphs. And they're basically just massive downloads of background information to the reader. That's not ideal, that's not compelling. Now, I'm not saying you should never do this. There are no hard and fast rules for writing.
But it may be better to show rather than tell. Have it come out in dialogue, give contextual clues. Have the character think about some of that background stuff...when he or she is actually reacting to something, so there's a natural reason to insert that information.
EDIT 3: Thinking about it...in comparison, the earlier section with the kid and her grandparents was somewhat better than the following sections. It felt more natural in revealing what was going on. You had some background infodump there, but not a lot - most of it came out in context and in dialogue between the characters. That was better. I enjoyed the first post.
-- Acyl
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#4
alright guys, i've got a beta reader and i'm following his changes as well as their being a new chapter up
 
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#5
I see your thread and think, "I should read that and add a comment or two, this isn't the biggest fic writers' board," but, well, to avoid being insulting, BT takes my preferred paradigm and turns it into something painful, so only the worst sort of roflstomp crossover in the other property's favor appeals to me in BT fic, and I don't want to spoil your story or the enthusiasm for it. (See also "Wave Convoy is still useable as a bg character but is probably best left out of major sequences in CiTD.")
--
"Anko, what you do in your free time is your own choice. Use it wisely. And if you do not use it wisely, make sure you thoroughly enjoy whatever unwise thing you are doing." - HymnOfRagnorok as Orochimaru at SpaceBattles
woot Med. Eng., verb, 1st & 3rd pers. prsnt. sg. know, knows
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#6
That said, the advice you've been given already is quite good, and I can still drop off my own standard package of "try to work in senses other than sight and sounds other than dialogue." The reek of scorched insulation like an ice pick to the sinuses when doing some repairs, the slightly sticky feel of the padding in a cockpit after generations of mechwarriors sweating out combat stress on top of ever present overheating issues, the solid whirr-thunk-crunch of the hatch closing, will all feed immersion.
--
"Anko, what you do in your free time is your own choice. Use it wisely. And if you do not use it wisely, make sure you thoroughly enjoy whatever unwise thing you are doing." - HymnOfRagnorok as Orochimaru at SpaceBattles
woot Med. Eng., verb, 1st & 3rd pers. prsnt. sg. know, knows
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