Quote:"So you were kidnapped, let go, had your identity exposed to New Wave and there is a clone out there." He glanced over at Amy. "And Amy needs to sleep over due to family drama."
"Yep." I sighed. At least it had only taken one talk through of events for him to pick up everything. He looked at me thoughtfully for a moment.
"Okay then." He nodded, a smile spreading his lips. "Still not as bad as when I met your Mother's parents."
Silencio, An AU Worm fic where Taylor has mime powers.
http://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/ ... t-14613110
----------------------------------------------------
"Anyone can be a winner if their definition of victory is flexible enough." - The DM of the Rings XXXV
From the Whateley Academy (as mentioned on the update thread) story, Jade 9: Sit In...
Quote:“Do you guys always discuss things like cannibal babies at the
lunch table?” the new girl, Paige asked.
“Naw,” Jamie shot back. “But it’s the
start of the semester. It’ll be a while before we get to
the weird stuff.”
For extra amusement, the subject came up from the character Jade explaining why it's not crazy for her to seek to be designated by the school as both an absolute pacifist
and an ultra-violent.
-----
Will the transhumanist future have catgirls? Does Japan still exist? Well, there is your answer.
Quote:"You want me...To hit God with a hammer? Man, I've wanted to do that my whole life."
www.talesfromthevault.com/thunderstruck/index.html
----------------------------------------------------
"Anyone can be a winner if their definition of victory is flexible enough." - The DM of the Rings XXXV
"For a Monk, you don't know much about Monks, do you?" Milo said. He hadn't meant for it to go this far, but the Monk left him no choice. He had to break out his secret weapon. This battle was about to get existential. "After all, is it not written, 'know thyself, and thou knowest the best way to beat in another's face?'" Milo said. "Or something like that, anyway?"
"Of course! True wisdom is in knowing yourself—thyself, whatever—and my Wisdom is through the roof! Haaaaaai-yee—"
"Ah, but you don't know yourself, do you?" Milo said, still sitting. "Because it takes a Knowledge check of ten plus the Hit Dice of a creature to recognize it, meaning it is a DC 11 check to identify a human." Milo grinned wickedly. "But it is impossible to make a check higher than ten without training. Tell me, o wise Monk, how many cross-class skill ranks have you invested in Knowledge (Local)?"
The Monk dropped the table leg and stared at his own hand in horror. "What am I?" he shrieked, looking at himself as if he'd never seen a human before—and, in a manner of speaking, he hadn't. As far as he was concerned, humans were unknown and unknowable. He broke into a cold sweat, and started to shake. Then he fled through the door, screaming at the top of his lungs.
xxx---xxx
(formatted like this because trying to copy anything from ff.net messes up the quotes)
Harry Potter and the Natural 20
www.fanfiction.net/s/8096183/57/Harry-P ... Natural-20
----------------------------------------------------
"Anyone can be a winner if their definition of victory is flexible enough." - The DM of the Rings XXXV
The
TRON fanfic
Grid Lock Tango contains some pretty hilarious stuff, but a personal favorite of mine comes from
Chapter 2:
Quote:"It was Ed's fault."
"Was not!"
"Was so!"
"Like Hell!"
"Hell, yes!"
Alan cleared his throat loudly, and both Jr. and Sam quieted down instantly to look at him. He raised the memo once more and held it up to their faces.
"Once again, I will repeat… Why is there a memo stating that all Encom employees are now required to attend a seminar of proper use and safety of office materials?"
The two boys in front of him shuffled around, neither speaking, simply looking everywhere but at him… Alan crossed his arms and started counting back from ten. When there was still no response, he decided to take matters into his own hands.
"Okay… Given that you two seem to have the maturity levels of 4 years olds right now- you've got 60 seconds to tell me about the memo or I'm placing you in 'time out' and locking you both in the supply closet."
Not surprisingly, Jr. broke first.
"We finished that side project late last night… You know, the one where we take disused programs and recode them for Encom's systems up—"
Alan interrupted.
"You're stalling, Jr… Get to the point."
Sam chose to come to his rescue.
"Yeah, well, in retrospect, talking a bunch of sleep deprived employees into celebrating with a drinking game consisting of Redbull and vodka shooters at 3:30 in the morning may not have been the brightest idea I've ever had."
Alan sighed as he tilted his head back and stared at the ceiling.
"You know, I've met three year olds with more common sense then the two of you combined."
Looking back down he saw Sam flash him a cocky grin.
"Yeah, but I bet they couldn't hold a candle to our charismatic personalities."
"We can only hope… So, who's explaining how I ended up with a brand new office chair?"
Sam and Jr. looked at each other for a second until Jr. shoved his hands in his pockets and exhaled slowly as he stared at the floor.
"Sometime after the 6th shot we thought it'd be fun to have an office chair relay race."
Alan raised an eyebrow, and Sam piped up with a grin.
"Down the staircase!"
Alan just stared and Jr. looked up, blushing with embarrassment.
"Nothing but one minor injury for the human participants… But your chair didn't make it."
Alan stared for another moment, and then reached out and quickly cuffed both of them. As both boys responded with a resounding 'OW' he turned on his heels and began to walk away, chuckling quietly. Suddenly Sam's voice ran out.
"That's it? No big spiel on the waste of an ill spent youth?"
Alan grinned as he turned to face them with a shrug.
"On the way down, did either of you happen to notice the dents in the metal door on the third landing?"
They both nodded, and Alan laughed as he looked at Sam.
"That was your father… Kevin thought it would be fun to 'surf' a desktop down the handrails… Memories fuzzy, but I think JD was involved in the inspiration process."
Sam grinned then narrowed his eyes in thought.
"And you would know that, how?"
Instead of answer, Alan simply grinned and gave Sam a mock salute as he turned and walked away, calling out over his shoulder as he did so.
"I'll send out the memo to everyone, Sam. Just don't expect me to be present- I've already heard everything they'll tell you before."
Quote:"NERV thanks you for your assistance with this matter, Doctor," Father said. Was it just Shinji, or did he seem kind of... cheerful? "If you enter this base again without my express permission, I do believe I shall have you shot."
The Doctor raised an eyebrow. "And you really think that'd be enough to stop me?"
"I'd be disappointed if it did. I believe you know the way out."
Gendo and the Doctor. Like oil and vinegar.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7366113/65 ... the-Doctor
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make
anything explode.
Quote:Clearly, the elder Malfoy knew there was no friendship towards Draco...but Nanoha had forgiven far worse than Draco's rudeness and made fast friends with the rich and vaguely entitled before. She just needed a chance to beat him senseless first.
Nanoha Takamachi and the Wizarding World.
----------
No, I don't believe the world has gone mad. In order for it to go mad it would need to have been sane at some point.
Quote:“What?” Glory Girl demanded demandingly, with a side of extra demandiness.
Heels Over Head [Worm]
http://forums.sufficientvelocity.com/th ... st-1615916
----------------------------------------------------
"Anyone can be a winner if their definition of victory is flexible enough." - The DM of the Rings XXXV
Quote:"They're under some sort of mental control," she said, ignoring them entirely. "My Diplomacy check result was pushing low orbit."
"May I try?" Milo said.
Relkin shrugged, and stepped back.
Milo advanced to the guards, keenly aware that he had less hit points than a camel and their pole-arms looked very pointy.
"Aunt Regina!" Milo exclaimed, conveniently remembering her existence. "So good to see you! It must have been, what, three years? So long that you didn't recognize me!" She lowered her halberd uncertainly, blinking as if there was sand in her eyes.
"Milo?" she said. "What... what am I doing?"
"Uncle Reginald!" Milo said, moving to the next guard in line. "Why, you taught me my first cantrip! And Second Cousin Reggie! Remember all those long nights in the woods hunting, er, huntable animals? And, why, if it isn't Adopted Cousin Regan! What unspecified good times we had!" Pretty soon, they all had their weapons lowered, and were milling about in confusion.
"What did you do?" Relkin asked in a hushed voice.
"I remembered each and every one of them as a treasured friend or relative from my backstory," Milo said quietly. "One who would never, ever raise a hand against me or impede the cause of Justice or the furthering of Good. And who gets +2 and a reroll against magical orders against their nature."
Harry Potter and the Natural 20
www.fanfiction.net/s/8096183/59/Harry-P ... Natural-20
----------------------------------------------------
"Anyone can be a winner if their definition of victory is flexible enough." - The DM of the Rings XXXV
More D&D rules abuse from
Harry Potter and the Natural 20 www.fanfiction.net/s/8096183/60/Harry-P ... Natural-20
Quote:"I can't believe this is really working," Zook whispered.
"The theory was perfectly sound," Milo said, though he wasn't, in truth, as certain as he was pretending. The theory was, of course, definitely sound. In fact, until he'd seen it working right in front of him, it had been nothing but sound.
The rules, however were indisputable. Fact one: tower shields could grant you cover, the same way that hiding behind a wall could. Fact two: if you have cover, so does all of your gear, including the tower shield granting you cover. Fact three: total cover blocked line-of-sight and line-of-effect.
All of this together meant that you could hide behind a tower shield and you—and the shield you were hiding behind—could become both invisible and untargetable by attacks and many forms of magic.
----------------------------------------------------
"Anyone can be a winner if their definition of victory is flexible enough." - The DM of the Rings XXXV
Sorry, it's pony stuff, but it's still freaking hilarious.
Foreground info: Twilight Sparkle has created a device that borrows Luna's and Celestia's powers to do their job for them... and Celestia has her first morning off ever.
Quote:Many times over the years, Celestia had
half-lamented, half-jested that since bonding with the sun she had
forgotten entirely what it felt like to sleep in late. (waking up,
raising the sun and then dragging herself back to bed didn't count, in
her mind. She never quite got back to sleep.) Now, with Twilight
Sparkles' wonderful Clock (1)tending to the rising and setting of the
Sun, for the first time the Sun Princess could indulge in that
mysterious pastime. Luna found her stone dead asleep on her bed, lying
on her back, hooves curled up, sunbeams dappling her belly as she slept.
She had an absolutely blissful expression on her face. Every now and
then a gentle snore rose from the royal snout.
Luna
stifled a giggle. Then she recalled how their mother had woken them
when they were foals and had been naughty enough to sleep in late. An
evil grin slowly spread across her face. She carefully tip-hoofed over
to the bed. She leaned over Celestia's bare tummy, took in a huge,
gleeful breath---
Celestia's eyes snapped open. "Don't you dare," she said.
Too late, she was committed! Luna lunged.
BRAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPP!!!!!!
"Yaaaaagggggh!"
All four snowy hooves shot into the air as Luna proceeded to give her sister the Almighty Royal Belly Zerbert of her life.
The
next moment Luna could be seen fleeing Celestia's chambers, shrieking
and giggling like a loon, with Celestia in hot pursuit.
Best part of all? I now know what to call it! Belly Zerbert! Hilarious!
Where was that one from, BA? I don't see a name or source link.
Quote:"Really. Tsutomu-nii's wedding is coming up next year, you know, and everybody just keeps sending him case after case of this stuff."
"Wait, for real?" Sakura rolled back over to stare down her eldest cousin. "I thought your betrothal had been broken off, because she was having an affair with some page or another."
"No, that was Ruihime," Tsutomu corrected. "I'm engaged to Akihime of the Onoda clan at the moment." He seemed utterly unconcerned with the matter of his impending marital status, but considering his history with engagements Sakura couldn't exactly blame him.
"I thought Ruihime was the one who turned out to have been a boy the entire time," Sakura said, brow furrowing in thought.
"No, no, that was the Machimiya clan's Yukihime. Er, Yukinori-sama." Tatsuo, it seemed, had recovered. He was soothing the sting of his own brother's vicious betrayal with more dessert. "That one switches between the two, depending on the day."
"I was sure that Yukihime had been the one who eloped with her own father." Sakura was honestly a little distressed at how faulty her memory seemed to be, even in as meaningless a category as this one.
"Foster-father," all three of her cousins chimed. Apparently, it was a correction that had been drummed into them.
"And that was Shion-hime, of the Sakahogi clan," Tsutomu continued. "She was the one who was older than me, remember? I went to the celebration for their son's third birthday last month. They seem very happy together."
Now You See It:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/10796885/5/Now-You-See-It
----------------------------------------------------
"Anyone can be a winner if their definition of victory is flexible enough." - The DM of the Rings XXXV
Quote:Windu: "Master Kyle. In light of your peerless experience, the Council has decided to set you up with an elite team of specialists to launch a number of Special Operations missions against the Confederecy and other urgent missions as they are determined, as the orders 'fast response specialist' if you will".
Kyle: "Sounds sensible I guess. So who is on my team?"
Windu: "First, one of the more powerful Jedi in the order whom you can hopefully pass on your extensive experience; Jedi Knight Jerec".
Kyle: "...um ... look-"
Windu: "Also on your team, the Republics best anti-droid engineer specialist in the GAR; Lieutenant Rom Mohc"
Kyle: "...with all due respect Master-"
Windu: "One of the finest officers in the Fleet, Commander Gilad Pellaeon has put his light Cruiser at your disposal-"
Kyle: "Did Jan put you up to this? You know, seriously? Because-"
Windu: "And before you leave, Chancellor Palpitine has requested that you drop by his office so he can personally thank you for undertaking this dangerous mission on his behalf. May the Force Be With You!"
An omake from "A New Jedi in the Old Republic", in which Kyle Katarn gets a chance to visit the Clone Wars.
http://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/ ... ars.315437
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make
anything explode.
Quote:"So, the S.A.T.s-" Ron coughed, then continued, "I mean, the O.W.L.s are today."
Harry nodded. "I'll probably ace them."
"Probably ace them?" exclaimed a very pale Hermione, "Neither one of you even knew about them until last night!"
"Well,"
said Ron, aiming his spoon at Hermione, "That's partly your fault.
Because all this time, we thought you were referring to a literal flock
of owls."
"That would be a parliament of owls, Ronald," said Harry, he looked at Hermione, "See, I did study."
"Did you study owls?" Hermione asked incredulously.
Harry nodded slowly.
Hermione stared at the two of them blankly.
"We thought it was pretty strange at first, that such a big exam would just be on owls," said Ron.
"But that was before we found out just how important owls are to the circle of life, and the Wizarding world," said Harry.
Hermione slowly lowered her forehead to the table.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7504858/22 ... he-Phoenix
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber." --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.
Quote:"Hey Shino,"
Kiba folded his arms behind his head, looking up speculatively. "If
Sakura or I ever died, would you use our bodies as surrogate
hives and puppet them around in a sick parody of a memorial?"
"I would be
lying if I said the thought hadn't passed my mind once or twice."
Shino admitted as they strolled onwards towards the mess hall.
"However, without proper and immediate application of taxidermy
I was forced to admit that such measures were likely to only be
sustainable in a very short timeframe, and subsequently banished it
as a possible course of action."
"…that has
to be one of the sweetest, most fucked up things you've ever said to
us," Sakura commented, touched and disturbed in equal measure.
"It definitely makes the Top Ten, for sure."
Now You See It:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/10796885/16/Now-You-See-It
----------------------------------------------------
"Anyone can be a winner if their definition of victory is flexible enough." - The DM of the Rings XXXV
Not Fanfic, but from
this book comes a quote I just couldn't resist:
Quote:“Loaded, sir!” Petty Officer Second Class Leuschen said, beaming for all he was worth. As inventor, designer and creator of The Beast, it was universally judged that he should have first crack. There were others onboard crazy enough to try it out but they mostly spent their time these days trying to chew through the straps. “Permission to open fire?”
Quote:Jwolfe said:
And considering
that you've mentioned Earth is sort of a Sargasso when it comes to
remnants of Nanoha-verse civilizations it'll give Ferret-boy the chance
to get his explorer hat back on.
Chrono: Yuuno? Why are you contacting me at....four in the morning? I
distinctly recall setting up standard times for updates on your little
archaeology jaunt around the planet.
Yunno: Yeah but you also told me to call you the moment I found something big.
Chrono: Right... So what did you dig up?
Yunno: Well your guess about this being a Belkan colony was half right.
Looks like a couple of scout cruisers crashed here and the survivors
mixed with the natives. Probably where the roots for that 'German'
language came from.
Chrono: Great, wonderful, an entire planet of Belkans, just what I needed (explains some things though). Anything we can use?
Yunno: Yep, the ship I'm in is a Zigeuner class so there will be plenty
of device parts in the workshop. Also the ship's in pretty good
condition so we should be able to cobble together a fair amount of
things.
Chrono: You're not a mechanic, what are you basing the second part on?
Yunoo: Oh just a hunch.
(we see him blocking three different automated turrets and flinging
around swarms of defense drones with binds while the Xcom squad is
filling both with bullets and explosives)
Quote:Jwolfe said:
The Xcom brass is going to be confused.
They send Yuuno off on this 'archaeological trip' with some minders to
get him out of combat and still be able to help. Then the mission
reports start arriving with equipment and ammo expenditures resembling
front-line fire teams going after the downed UFOs (fewer causalities
though).
And when they try and get answers out of Chrono and co, the mages will
be honestly confused because that's what archaeology involves.
Sakharov: The gril with the dragon in her pocket I can deal with, the
pre-teens with enough firepower to vaporize a tank? Weird but OK.
Extraterrestrial magic-wielding humans are a bit bizarre but not
completely beyond the realm of sanity. But needing the equivalent of
four combat teams with anti-tank firepower at an archaeological dig site
so the ancient crockery is killed before it rips your head off? WTF!?!![[Image: wtf.gif]](http://forums.spacebattles.com/styles/sbforums/smilies/wtf.gif)
Quote:Jonen C. said:Faceless XCOM advisor: "We have hired a group of archaeological consultants to check and verify your expenditures. Doctors."
Dr. Jones: "Looks legit."
Lady Croft: "I see nothing unusual here."
Dr. Jackson: "Are you hiring? I could use some R&R."
(From
Catch the Falling Sky a Nanoha/X-Com crossover -- this part is reader omake, not officially part of the story)
-----
Will the transhumanist future have catgirls? Does Japan still exist? Well, there is your answer.
The bad thing is I was reading this at one point and gave up on it and a couple of others dueto lack of time. Maybe I should go back and drop ssomething else.
The author has recently picked up the story again, so now is a good time to do so.
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make
anything explode.
Harry the Hufflepuff 3 http://www.fanfiction.net/s/10843543/4 ... s-Year-off:
Quote:Susan Bones paused at the door of the classroom. Last year she had reluctantly come to accept seeing that horrible mannequin, Larry, sitting in History of Magic in Harry's place. This year had been better, with Harry unable to sleep meaning there was at least one other person awake to keep her company during the long hours they were forced to sit in the class.
She needed that company in order to stay awake, but her Aunty had time and again insisted every subject needed to be treated with the utmost respect and she had foolishly promised to do her best in even this pointless class.
At least that had been the case until a couple of weeks ago when Harry had somehow convinced a House Elf to take his place. How the teacher, ghost though he was, failed to see anything amiss when his arguably most famous student ever was replaced by an elf wearing a black mop on his misshapen head and with glasses drawn on his face in grease paint, she did not understand.
Ignoring students who were obviously not paying attention, or even sleeping was one thing, but a student being replaced by a creature not even of the same species was ludicrous, even if it did appear to be a lot more interested than any of the real students ever were.
When Justin had somehow managed to coerce a second elf to take his place it started getting silly.
Still, the scene in front of her was a whole new level of absurd.
There wasn't one elf in the class, or two, or even five. Every single student was missing, and in their place were a multitude of elves, more than there were students normally, all wearing the most ridiculous substitutes for hair, including one who had apparently decided a full grown hedge was a decent hairdo.
Well, maybe, if it was meant to be Hermione...
----------------------------------------------------
"Anyone can be a winner if their definition of victory is flexible enough." - The DM of the Rings XXXV
A Friend in Need [My Little Pony/Worm]:
http://forums.spacebattles.com/posts/16156978/
Quote:“Did it, did she, did Death Metal Pony just rip a leg off the Simurgh?”
----------------------------------------------------
"Anyone can be a winner if their definition of victory is flexible enough." - The DM of the Rings XXXV
Quote:Shepherd wrote:
A Friend in Need [My Little Pony/Worm]: http://forums.spacebattles.com/posts/16156978/
Quote:“Did it, did she, did Death Metal Pony just rip a leg off the Simurgh?”
That requires some context to get the full ROFL experience, but it's a great line.
----------
No, I don't believe the world has gone mad. In order for it to go mad it would need to have been sane at some point.
Here's a very entertaining Worm Crackfic. Taylor's parents are both alive and they are a ridiculously over-the-top pair of super thieves. For maximum RoFL effect, it is recommended that you imagine Armsmaster's lines in chapter 2.5 as delivered by Samuel L. Jackson.
----------
No, I don't believe the world has gone mad. In order for it to go mad it would need to have been sane at some point.