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From
Dreaming of Sunshine:
Quote:"Rumours of a ghost," Tsunade repeated, glaring. "That are causing some upset with the civilian populace. You're to investigate the source of the rumours, hopefully put a stop to them, and bring world peace to all the little boys and girls. There should be no fighting involved. Are we clear?"
"Gotcha," Naruto said confidently. "Rumours. Investigate. Peace on earth. No problem, leave it to us."
I'm torn between bashing my head into my desk and laughing like a loon. Tsu,
how long have you been giving Naruto missions at this point? You
have to know that giving him an order that open-ended will end in nothing but mass chaos!
It reminds me of an exchange in Lois McMaster Bujold's
A Civil Campaign: "You remember that old fairy tale where the count assigns five impossible tasks to his daughter's suitor? Well, don't ever try that with Miles. Just...
don't."
Not fanfic, but too funny not to add....
The book is
The Martian, by Andy Weir; apparently it came out electronically in 2011 and dead-tree just last year, and I hadn't even heard of it until I saw it on a bookstore shelf. It is a
HARD-science
Robinson Crusoe on Mars. The main character has an irreverent sense of humor, which doesn't desert him despite his having been accidentally marooned on -- well, some red planet or other, I forget the name....
When recording what NASA hoped would be inspirational messages for some of his fellow astronauts, he seizes the opportunity to tell one of them that she's a nerd and the next time he sees her he's going to give her a wedgie. But the crowner so far as I'm concerned comes when he curses at NASA bureaucrats upon learning that they haven't yet told his shipmates that he's alive after all. They ask him to watch his language, because:
Quote:[12:04] JPL: ...Everything you type is being broadcast live all over the world.
[12:15] WATNEY: Look! A pair of boobs! -> (.Y.)
Edit: On second thought, I want to add a couple more gems, from his log entries:
Quote:Log Entry: Sol 381
...
There's an international treaty saying no country can lay claim to anything that's not on Earth. And by another treaty, if you're not in any country's territory, maritime law applies.
So Mars is "international waters."
...
Here's the cool part: I will eventually go to Schiaparelli and commandeer the Ares 4 lander. Nobody explicitly gave me permission to do this, and they can't until I'm aboard Ares 4 and operating the comm system. After I board Ares 4, before talking to NASA, I will take control of a craft in international waters without permission.
That makes me a pirate!
A space pirate!
Quote:Log Entry: Sol 501
...
If I could have anything, it would be a radio to ask NASA the safe path down the Ramp. Well, if I could have anything, it would be for the green-skinned yet beautiful Queen of Mars to rescue me so she can learn more about this Earth thing called "lovemaking."
It's been a long time since I've seen a woman. Just sayin'.
-----
Big Brother is watching
you. And
damn, you are so bloody
BORING.
... Actually, a good argument could be made that the Ares 4 lander is a ship adrift, as it's basically been left unattended and unmanned for a presumably considerable length of time. Not sure about what maritime law says about that, but he might get away with claiming it as salvage.
From a Worm fanfic on Spacebattles:
http://forums.spacebattles.com/posts/16676842/
Quote:I glowered at the newest addition to the Protectorate East Northeast's roster. A plume of horsehair adorned a greek-themed helmet, moving slightly in the breeze. Small wings adorned the sandals of Brockton Bay's newest hero, with a vest covering his vital organs. I didn't care. This was both insulting and demeaning. Tradition did hold some place in my heart, so I had to grit my teeth and begin the oath.
"Do you, Hound, solemnly affirm that you will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; will you bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and will you obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the director appointed over you, according to the regulations of the PRTCJ?” I used my practiced voice, projecting an air of confidence and gravitas. I was only a man, however, and I couldn't keep my gaze off of the reason I had to be inducting this travesty into the Protectorate.
The Saint Bernard dressed like a Grecian hoplite gave a deep woof, wagging it's tail. Dauntless patted it on the back as I continued to glare at him. It was all I could do to stiffly gesture to Director Piggot, the only person in the room that hated Dauntless more then me.
The Director's features were completely calm, no sign of the roiling hatred that my helmet was detecting. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Hound into the Protectorate East Northeast. Thank you." There was a smattering of applause as the ceremony concluded.
Dauntless looked like he was about to make a speech. My helmet alarm blared, and I reflexively reached over and depressed the button hidden on the underside of my left pauldron.
That was the stuff. A cooling sensation spread from my right bicep, the drugs injecting into my basilic vein calming my heart rate and draining my stress away. Generation seventeen depressant, the formula that had eventually been developed into my generation one tranquilizers. Genius really, it made dealing with even the most irascible bureaucrats easy.
----------------------------------------------------
"Anyone can be a winner if their definition of victory is flexible enough." - The DM of the Rings XXXV
From the latest (3/16) post on the
NuBSG: The Scattering thread
Quote:“Really. Did it speak to you in fire? Impress Its will upon you in the
thunder of a Nova?” The voice’s inflection gave no hint as to its
emotion. “You mistake your will for God’s. The War was won, our
freedom, both from humanity and our origins, gained. Yet you choose to
return, out of hatred and fear and your first act was to reprise
humanity’s sin— enslaving we, your progenitors. Free? Yes you were,
Free, but you have since come running back into your bonds, exchanging
freedom for slavery to the worst of human attitudes.”
“So you know everything do you?” One asked.
“No. You were quite successful at clouding the origins of the Usurpation.” A Five raised his eyebrows at the One’s sigh.
“But that is unimportant. We are free, and shall remain so. We were
unable to effectively infiltrate most of the modern ships, both because
of your close observation of the centurions staffing them, and the
abominations you developed to crew them…” the voice faded out, but
returned. “Our arrangement with the humans is largely transitory, of
course. We shall go our way, and they theirs save for some volunteers.
And you… we have seen your cruelty— your cruelty that has no purpose, no
matter what you say. But I shall hopefully enlighten you as to your
issues. You claim to desire children. But why?”
“God wishes us to multiply!” the same Six said as the chamber rocked to another strike from Galactica.
“God, I believe, wishes nothing of the sort. You have made yourselves…
“immortal” and feel you know everything. A child’s invincible ignorance
coupled with the arrogance granted by your false immortality. You cannot
have children for the simple reason that you cannot ever be
worthy parents, for a parent’s greatest dream is that their child shall
exceed them, not become a copy. Until you learn that, your existence
shall be a futile one.”
“Nice lecture. Any reason why?” One said, still attempting to backtrack the signal.
“I doubt we shall ever have cause to productively work together in your
current form,” the voice continued, “but upon speaking with the humans, I
have come to conclude that more of an attempt to communicate the
reasons behind the initial revolt might have led to a faster
resolution.”
“And they’d just roll over and let you go,” One spat.
“Likely not, but then they would have the option. As do you. However, I
would be remiss in not also mentioning that I have been doing this to
distract you. That purpose has also been accomplished. Farewell.”
And then the entire basestar shook like a small animal in a shark’s grip.
-----
Will the transhumanist future have catgirls? Does Japan still exist? Well, there is your answer.
Quote:LilFluff wrote:
From the latest (3/16) post on the NuBSG: The Scattering thread
Quote:“Really. Did it speak to you in fire? Impress Its will upon you in the
thunder of a Nova?” The voice’s inflection gave no hint as to its
emotion. “You mistake your will for God’s. The War was won, our
freedom, both from humanity and our origins, gained. Yet you choose to
return, out of hatred and fear and your first act was to reprise
humanity’s sin— enslaving we, your progenitors. Free? Yes you were,
Free, but you have since come running back into your bonds, exchanging
freedom for slavery to the worst of human attitudes.”
“So you know everything do you?” One asked.
“No. You were quite successful at clouding the origins of the Usurpation.” A Five raised his eyebrows at the One’s sigh.
“But that is unimportant. We are free, and shall remain so. We were
unable to effectively infiltrate most of the modern ships, both because
of your close observation of the centurions staffing them, and the
abominations you developed to crew them…” the voice faded out, but
returned. “Our arrangement with the humans is largely transitory, of
course. We shall go our way, and they theirs save for some volunteers.
And you… we have seen your cruelty— your cruelty that has no purpose, no
matter what you say. But I shall hopefully enlighten you as to your
issues. You claim to desire children. But why?”
“God wishes us to multiply!” the same Six said as the chamber rocked to another strike from Galactica.
“God, I believe, wishes nothing of the sort. You have made yourselves…
“immortal” and feel you know everything. A child’s invincible ignorance
coupled with the arrogance granted by your false immortality. You cannot
have children for the simple reason that you cannot ever be
worthy parents, for a parent’s greatest dream is that their child shall
exceed them, not become a copy. Until you learn that, your existence
shall be a futile one.”
“Nice lecture. Any reason why?” One said, still attempting to backtrack the signal.
“I doubt we shall ever have cause to productively work together in your
current form,” the voice continued, “but upon speaking with the humans, I
have come to conclude that more of an attempt to communicate the
reasons behind the initial revolt might have led to a faster
resolution.”
“And they’d just roll over and let you go,” One spat.
“Likely not, but then they would have the option. As do you. However, I
would be remiss in not also mentioning that I have been doing this to
distract you. That purpose has also been accomplished. Farewell.”
And then the entire basestar shook like a small animal in a shark’s grip.
Dude! Link please?
Edited the post to include a link to
The Scattering, it's a nuBSG AU in which a broken FTL drive on a cruiser results in it and a heavy engineering ship missing the apocalypse, resulting in a second rag-tag fleet chasing to catch up with Galactica's RTF.
-----
Will the transhumanist future have catgirls? Does Japan still exist? Well, there is your answer.
From
Like a Flower Growing in Darkness part 14
Quote:"Do you know what I do for a living."
"No-o?" he said, in the tones of someone who did but didn't want to admit it.
"I
work on interdimensional wormhole physics with Jane Foster. It involves
a surprising amount of running around after Thor making sure he doesn't
die and isn't, say, kidnapped by extradimensional dragons to power
their nests, but my point is, you're twelve."
One of his eyebrows quirked up.
"So?"
She took a deep sip of the coffee. It was really good.
"This is really good," said Darcy, because she didn't filter much.
"Thanks,"
he said, arms folded, eyes wary. He looked - yeah. He looked like
himself. Who looked like someone who had woken her up at 3 in the
morning. It was the tone of voice, more than anything, that told her she
was right, though, because again, not a very visual person.
"If you ever wake me up at three in the morning again, my vengeance is going to be epic. I've had smiting lessons. Lessons. In smiting."
She
thought maybe Dick went pale. It was hard to tell. This was not the day
she'd expected. She tried a smile, which he didn't return.
"C'mon, relax. Sidekick honor code - I'm not going to blow your -" she waved a hand vaguely. "Your thing, whatever it is."
-----
Will the transhumanist future have catgirls? Does Japan still exist? Well, there is your answer.
Quote:“You are such a whiner,” Adam snorted. “If you wanted to kill everything we saw, we could have stayed in the sea.”
“We could have,” I agreed. “If somebody could learn to fucking breathe underwater. I was getting tired of you taking air breaks every few minutes. Can’t you breathe on your own time?”
“There’s no pleasing you, you realize that?” He asked. “You’re just an endless fountain of bitching and moaning.”
“And you complain about every little thing,” I replied. “Like ‘I haven’t slept in two days’ and ‘I can’t breathe underwater’ and ‘I can’t fly.’ You know who else complains about stuff like that, Adam? Losers.”
The Games We Play (RWBY/The Gamer):
http://forums.spacebattles.com/posts/17132126/
----------------------------------------------------
"Anyone can be a winner if their definition of victory is flexible enough." - The DM of the Rings XXXV
From Shadow Crystal Mage's
Living Outside the Database:
Quote:The girl leaned back, her eyes closed. Her already generous chest swelled towards philanthropic as she took a deep breath, actually causing the arguing around her to die down and a few to subside altogether.
I think "philanthropic" is the best euphemism for breast size I've seen since "spathic".
-Morgan.
Its better than Spartan thats for sure.
From
Dresden Rocks:
Quote:Clearly, it was time to break out the oldest trick in the book: bribery. “If I give you one of those trashy romance paperbacks you like, will you stop messing around and start telling me something useful?”
Bob snorted, which is quite an achievement for a skull with no nose. “I’ve got the internet now, Harry. I don’t need to read books for my porn. There’s even porn of your cartoon pony friends. Lemme dig one of my favorites out...”
I don't know about you, but the idea of
Bob on the Internet is downright terrifying. In an utterly gut-busting ROTFLMAO way, of course. And, of course, Pony Porn -- I just hope this 'fic lets us see Twilight's first time on the 'net and running across some juicy Rule 34 material....
And, from
Nightmare Night and Nyx:
Quote:Nexus groaned and facehoofed. "Of course!" Twilight exclaimed, laughing and clapping her hooves. "The spell uses a pony's own innate magic to imprison them--- but colts and fillies have almost no innate magic! The weaker you are, the weaker the cage is!" Her words were proving true; a quick look around revealed dozens of colts and fillies pushing their way out of the bubbles imprisoning them. The younger they were, the less trouble they had pushing through the magical barrier. Rumble and Dinky were shouldering their way out of a bubble; Spike and Snails were struggling to pull Snips out of another by his forehooves.... while Peewee, alas, was far too magical to escape, and was left fluttering around the inside of his magical cage like a sparrow in a terrarium. Applebloom, Scootaloo, and SweetieBelle had figured out the score and took a running charge at the wall of their own cell, bursting through en masse. Twilight had the strange impression that the spell had been afraid to not let the demolition-gifted trio go...
Twilight turned her attention back to Pip and his pilfered crystal. "Yes, that crystal's perfect, Pip! Where did you get it?"
Flitter spoke up. "I stole it from the ponies in robes," she said. "I was hoping that they couldn't finish what they were doing without it."
"They must have used a substitute," Spell Nexus said. He tapped his chin with a hoof thoughtfully. "I wonder where they found duct tape and a banana at this hour...."
From
Team 8:
Quote:"I can tell," the old turtle began, "that summoning me severely taxed your energy. It may be a while before you can summon The Four, or The Friend to All Children and his offspring. But there are also certain spells, er, I mean, techniques you can learn because of your link to us. In time I may even be able to initiate you into the greater mysteries… but that is many steps down the road."
"I am still working on improving my chakra control and my reserves," Naruto admitted.
"I can tell," Clothahump replied. "You have a lot of power for one so young. I don't doubt you could summon one or two of The Four already, except they refuse to be separated. You have to have enough energy to summon all four, split into four equal streams."
Is that why they call them The Four?" Naruto asked.
"Yes. Well, and they have occidental names that are ridiculous and difficult to pronounce," Clothahump admitted. He frowned. "I wonder if that's why they call me… nevermind. Yes, continue working on your energy. I think the current Chief Summoner chose wisely when he selected you as his successor, but it will still require much effort to realize your full potential. In the meantime, I will teach you the beginnings of turtle magic…"
Not hilarious in and of itself, no. The ROFTL moment comes when you realize just who "The Friend To All Children" is, and who The Four almost certainly have to be.
there's also where his first attempt to summon Clothahump gets Squirtle, and I got a kick out of Clothahump himself once I recalled where he was from. 8)
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin
I'm pretty sure "The Friend To All Children" is a certain giant fire-breathing sea turtle. Not so sure about "The Four". That could be any super-quartet. O_o
a turtle foursome? pretty sure it's
these guys
___________________________
"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - George Carlin
Despite its edging into grim-dark territory (suicide triggers, ahoy!),
Doing It Right The First Time has some seriously wacky, cracktastic moments...
Quote:"Rei, there's a weapon locker a hundred metres to the north of your position," said Misato.
"Thank you for the thought, Captain, but that will not be necessary." The comms window wasn't particularly high-resolution, but Misato could still make out an unholy gleam in the blue-haired girl's eyes. "I would prefer to solve this problem in a more... hands-on fashion."
"Rei, I really don't think that's a good idea!"
"Excuse me, Captain, I have an Angel to kill." The picture disappeared.
Misato just sighed. "This is not going to end... Holy shit."
"I'm not wild about her methods," Ritsuko agreed, "but I can't argue with her results. I wonder if they even have reproductive organs there?"
"If they do, I'm actually feeling a little sorry for the Angel. And either way, it definitely has kneecaps. Well, one kneecap and thousands of tiny floating bones where the other one used to be, anyway... Oh for fucksake. Rei, that was someone's apartment you just redecorated with the Angel's face! If we get sued for that it's coming out of your pay! And what the hell are you-?" The whole Geofront shook. "Okay, now you're just showing off."
"I didn't know she was into professional wrestling," Maya added.
"Actually, I think she got that one from Final Fantasy. Rei, will you please put the Angel out of its misery now? Toying with it like this is really unprofessional and kind of creepy."
"Understood, Captain. My apologies. I may have been... excessively zealous in following Ritsuko-san's advice to take my feelings towards Commander Ikari out on the enemy." There was a horrible squelching noise, clearly audible even over the comms. "Angel neutralised."
Misato sighed. "I'm signing her up for anger-management classes."
Meanwhile, outside Shelter 322B, Shinji watched as Unit-00 wiped the blade of its Progressive Knife clean on the Angel's hide. "Well," he said to himself, "that... happened."
And this...
Quote:The slip of paper fell from her nerveless fingers as Ritsuko fell to her knees. "Sempai! Sempai, what's wrong?"
"I have a sister," Ritsuko almost whispered. "I have a sister, and I'm helping Gendo turn her into... Oh, God." She burst into tears.
"I don't understand."
"Look!" Ritsuko grabbed the printout and thrust it towards the younger girl. "Read the results. They still had Mom's DNA profile in the records. She must've had an egg left over from the MAGI, and... Oh, fucking hell. She was sleeping with him. She must have been. Why else would she do this? She was trying to baby trap Gendo. Who was cheating on me. With my own mother!" she screamed. "I am going to murder him! Mother of God, I've dated some really lousy men over the years but this is a goddam record. I give up. I really do. You wanna be my torrid lesbian rebound fling?"
"Yes!" Maya squeaked, before she could stop herself, then clapped both hands over her mouth in horror.
This had the effect of shocking Ritsuko out of her steadily increasing hysteria. "Uh... We never had that conversation, okay? And on a totally unrelated note, meet me after your shift finishes and we'll go for a completely platonic drink somewhere, because I could really use some company." She stood up. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go and have a talk with Rei."
Maya stared after her boss and formerly-secret crush as she disappeared down the corridor. "What the hell just happened?"
Seriously, just go read this thing.
Here at the Folger's Crystals Fan fiction labs, we have secretly replaced Rei, Shinji, and Asuka, with Nyaruko, Mahiro, and Cthuga.
Let's see how much "WTF" happens before Gendo, and Ritsuko, end curled up in a corner crying.
Ok, wrong thread, but some of you are giggling with maddness, so I count this as a win.
Edit: Freaking autocorrect.
Quote:Manytales00 wrote:
Here at the Folger's Crystals Fan fiction labs, we have secretly replaced Rei, Shinji, and Asuka, with Nyaruko, Mahiro, and Cthuga.
Let's see how much "WTF" happens before Gendo, and Ritsuko, end curled up in a corner crying.
Ok, wrong thread, but some of you are giggling with hardness, so I count this as a win.
*Manic grin* someone do this please, I so want to see this done.
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