endulgently: indulgently
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"truly impressed by the notion"
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Seems a little over-the-top. Also definately a case of Better Show Than Tell. You've got visual coms. Throw in a pair of raised eyebrows or some other expression.
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"If the Captain was surprised before, she was shocked now."
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Again, show better than tell. This one an be covered easily by leaving out the side note and making her next line "Eight years old? How the hell..."
I'll stop commenting on this kind of thing here, but it is something that's worth running an edit sweep for.
ex-pression: expression
surprsie: surprise
err... qustion: is there a reason you're spelling it Manticor instead of Manticore?
Speaking to her by first name - and abbreviated first name, no less? that's a bit beyond the pale, even with the rank-equivalent upgrade. You pretty much Just Dont Do That unless you are equal rank. If you want a somewhat relaxed name that still fits within the militarily acceptable, try "Cap'n".
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"You do realize that you will have to be inactive, right?" she said, brushing aside my intention to make her do a spit-take. What were friends for?
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I would have expected "...that you'll have to go inactive, right?" Also, the second part of this feels...oddly clunky.
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"If I have to, I'll see if I can't get the best JAG Lawyer in the fleet to represent you."
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First, we haven't established explicitly what the legal issue would be. Is it the bit where he goes inactive? (JAG wouldn't be much help there, and she'd have enough pull to do it under her own power anyway.) Is it the bit where he's trying to adopt her? (that's fair, but see below.) Is it the bit where he's trying to keep her away from the Science types? (that just requires getting the adoption proceedings in before they catch wind of it - and the Captain can certainly manage to run a bit of information control on what does and what does not get transmitted off of her own ship.)
On the other side, I'd find it a lot more likely that she'd name a name specifically. something like "If it comes to that, I served with (name) back in (place). She'd help for a favor or two, and there's not a JAG officer in the fleet who can match her."
Rhodes finishes three of his lines in a row with "the service". a couple word choice rewrites to cut it down to one (it's not the phrase, just the repetition) would make the section flow significantly better.
livin: liven
"We saluted each other"
I realize that I am probably oversensitive about this particular issue, but I'd say at least consider "I saluted, she returned it, and Aki cut the signal."
Also, yes, a CW is a Chief Warrant Officer (which is to say, a warrant officer with a commission). Warrants serve primarily as subject matter experts. Technically speaking, and full commissioned offcier outranks any warrant. Practically speaking in the vaguest of ways, warrant ranks are roughly equivalent to the same level of commissioned officer. A CW3 is about as important as an O3. A CW5 (highest warrant rank) is approximately equivalent to an O5. Naval captains are O6s. Practically speaking in more concrete ways, a warrant's effective rank is a lot more variable based on competence than either a commissioned officer's or an NCOs. A WO1 who is particularly smart, dedicated, and really knows his or her stuff can wind up holding down a CW3-4 slot and have the respect and actual power to match - up to and including dictating terms (in certain very specific areas) to O5s. (the dictating terms was in the form of "as direct subject matter representative of that O6 over there who happens to be your boss", but I've seen it done.)
Officer respect and power comes first from rank, then from competence. Warrant respect and power comes from competence, with rank as a useful indicator of likely level of said competence.
In general, though, it looks good.
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"truly impressed by the notion"
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Seems a little over-the-top. Also definately a case of Better Show Than Tell. You've got visual coms. Throw in a pair of raised eyebrows or some other expression.
--------
"If the Captain was surprised before, she was shocked now."
--------
Again, show better than tell. This one an be covered easily by leaving out the side note and making her next line "Eight years old? How the hell..."
I'll stop commenting on this kind of thing here, but it is something that's worth running an edit sweep for.
ex-pression: expression
surprsie: surprise
err... qustion: is there a reason you're spelling it Manticor instead of Manticore?
Speaking to her by first name - and abbreviated first name, no less? that's a bit beyond the pale, even with the rank-equivalent upgrade. You pretty much Just Dont Do That unless you are equal rank. If you want a somewhat relaxed name that still fits within the militarily acceptable, try "Cap'n".
--------
"You do realize that you will have to be inactive, right?" she said, brushing aside my intention to make her do a spit-take. What were friends for?
-------
I would have expected "...that you'll have to go inactive, right?" Also, the second part of this feels...oddly clunky.
-------
"If I have to, I'll see if I can't get the best JAG Lawyer in the fleet to represent you."
-------
First, we haven't established explicitly what the legal issue would be. Is it the bit where he goes inactive? (JAG wouldn't be much help there, and she'd have enough pull to do it under her own power anyway.) Is it the bit where he's trying to adopt her? (that's fair, but see below.) Is it the bit where he's trying to keep her away from the Science types? (that just requires getting the adoption proceedings in before they catch wind of it - and the Captain can certainly manage to run a bit of information control on what does and what does not get transmitted off of her own ship.)
On the other side, I'd find it a lot more likely that she'd name a name specifically. something like "If it comes to that, I served with (name) back in (place). She'd help for a favor or two, and there's not a JAG officer in the fleet who can match her."
Rhodes finishes three of his lines in a row with "the service". a couple word choice rewrites to cut it down to one (it's not the phrase, just the repetition) would make the section flow significantly better.
livin: liven
"We saluted each other"
I realize that I am probably oversensitive about this particular issue, but I'd say at least consider "I saluted, she returned it, and Aki cut the signal."
Also, yes, a CW is a Chief Warrant Officer (which is to say, a warrant officer with a commission). Warrants serve primarily as subject matter experts. Technically speaking, and full commissioned offcier outranks any warrant. Practically speaking in the vaguest of ways, warrant ranks are roughly equivalent to the same level of commissioned officer. A CW3 is about as important as an O3. A CW5 (highest warrant rank) is approximately equivalent to an O5. Naval captains are O6s. Practically speaking in more concrete ways, a warrant's effective rank is a lot more variable based on competence than either a commissioned officer's or an NCOs. A WO1 who is particularly smart, dedicated, and really knows his or her stuff can wind up holding down a CW3-4 slot and have the respect and actual power to match - up to and including dictating terms (in certain very specific areas) to O5s. (the dictating terms was in the form of "as direct subject matter representative of that O6 over there who happens to be your boss", but I've seen it done.)
Officer respect and power comes first from rank, then from competence. Warrant respect and power comes from competence, with rank as a useful indicator of likely level of said competence.
In general, though, it looks good.