As a quick note... I like the rewrite you did.
It feels a lot more fluid, more...well, natural. Like an actual conversation between real people.
Really, that's the hard bit about writing dialogue. It's difficult to make it convincing. I think most of the changes Sirocco suggested are also aimed in that direction... making the whole exchange flow better.
I suggest actually reading the lines out loud, and seeing how they sound to you.
No, I don't say that to be condescending or anything, I actually mean it. I do that from time to time... Often, there's stuff like...repeated words, or long words, that just sound odd and awkward when you actually speak 'em. Or turns of phrase that look great on paper, but are a bit funny when read. And because the scene's supposed to be a spoken conversation...
Well, yeah.
About the subject of pay...in the Singapore Armed Forces, a serviceman's allowance (it isn't, legally speaking, a salary), is divided into two components: Rank and Vocational
That means if you're...say...a Lance Corporal, you get a certain fixed amount each month, depending on your rank. And then you get more, depending on what you do. That's vocational allowance, also called combat allowance. Meaning...a Commandos gets more on payday than a Service Medic, even if they have the same rank.
(And it's clearly possible to get a combat allowance of zero.)
Interestingly, most Singapore soldiers do think of their pay in terms of two seperate components.
So there's little resentment. If a guy's getting more, it's understood by his peers - "well, yeah, it's cool that he gets more cash than me...he also gets way more crap".
Thus, I'd say it not only makes sense that the Spartans and Manticors get paid a lot better than normal soldiers... but that, well, the normal guys KNOW it. And don't, on balance, care. Jealousy pangs, maybe, if the exact numbers slip somehow, but intellectually? Hell no, they wouldn't wanna be in those shoes.
-- Acyl
It feels a lot more fluid, more...well, natural. Like an actual conversation between real people.
Really, that's the hard bit about writing dialogue. It's difficult to make it convincing. I think most of the changes Sirocco suggested are also aimed in that direction... making the whole exchange flow better.
I suggest actually reading the lines out loud, and seeing how they sound to you.
No, I don't say that to be condescending or anything, I actually mean it. I do that from time to time... Often, there's stuff like...repeated words, or long words, that just sound odd and awkward when you actually speak 'em. Or turns of phrase that look great on paper, but are a bit funny when read. And because the scene's supposed to be a spoken conversation...
Well, yeah.
About the subject of pay...in the Singapore Armed Forces, a serviceman's allowance (it isn't, legally speaking, a salary), is divided into two components: Rank and Vocational
That means if you're...say...a Lance Corporal, you get a certain fixed amount each month, depending on your rank. And then you get more, depending on what you do. That's vocational allowance, also called combat allowance. Meaning...a Commandos gets more on payday than a Service Medic, even if they have the same rank.
(And it's clearly possible to get a combat allowance of zero.)
Interestingly, most Singapore soldiers do think of their pay in terms of two seperate components.
So there's little resentment. If a guy's getting more, it's understood by his peers - "well, yeah, it's cool that he gets more cash than me...he also gets way more crap".
Thus, I'd say it not only makes sense that the Spartans and Manticors get paid a lot better than normal soldiers... but that, well, the normal guys KNOW it. And don't, on balance, care. Jealousy pangs, maybe, if the exact numbers slip somehow, but intellectually? Hell no, they wouldn't wanna be in those shoes.
-- Acyl