Nice. Thank you for reposting this. If you don't mind though, I have a nitpick to add to Bob's list.
"It grated on me, really, that I would have such girlish
fantasies. I know that I am still too young for
that sort of thing. "
I think you might want to get rid of the word 'girlish' here. If you don't mind my saying so, her thinking of herself as being too young for girlish fantasies seems a bit strange. I'm having trouble finding just the right words to describe it, but something about the word 'girlish' there seems to somehow shift the target of 'that sort of thing' from what the fantasies are about, to the fantasies themselves. I'm probably the only one reading it like this though, so feel free to ignore this if you'd like.
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Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber." --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.
"It grated on me, really, that I would have such girlish
fantasies. I know that I am still too young for
that sort of thing. "
I think you might want to get rid of the word 'girlish' here. If you don't mind my saying so, her thinking of herself as being too young for girlish fantasies seems a bit strange. I'm having trouble finding just the right words to describe it, but something about the word 'girlish' there seems to somehow shift the target of 'that sort of thing' from what the fantasies are about, to the fantasies themselves. I'm probably the only one reading it like this though, so feel free to ignore this if you'd like.
-----
Stand between the Silver Crystal and the Golden Sea.
"Youngsters these days just have no appreciation for the magnificence of the legendary cucumber." --Krityan Elder, Tales of Vesperia.