I like it.
Being odd, and a fan of both Nanoha and Bolos, I've never classified them as a cross over that should not be.
Most of my suggestions would be about increasing the 'feel of a Bolo story'.
Bolos tend to use all the significant digits they have, which is often many. They tend to not use words like few when they have numbers. Given that its sense of time is not so messed up that it cannot provide that later, it should be able to for the first paragraph.
I have some other issues with the Bolo's voice, but that may be due to how long its been since I binged on Bolo stories. The biggest is that the initiating event seems vague and uncertain.
The 'Hell-rail' main weapon seems odd combined with rail gun infinite repeaters. I've heard 'Hell-rail' in an extra canonical context used for a post Hellbore main weapon.
See legal link to publisher approved website:
http://baencd.thefifthimp.../Bolo/0743498720__32.htm
The notion of an ejectable personality core seems odd, given that I am more used to Bolos fighting to the bitter end from their sometimes damaged survival center buried in the center of the armor.
I also find the memory storage confusing, given what I remember about how a Bolo's Holographic memory is supposed to work. (I can see how it supports the thrust of the story.)
Just the grammar suggestions which jumped out at me:
provide critical support services or where killed early->provide critical support services or were killed early
and more of my infinite repeaters going offline due jams or problems with the ammunition-> and more of my infinite repeaters going offline due to jams or problems with the ammunition
Hellrail still taking 4.32 seconds before it can be safely fired again->Hellrail still needing 4.32 seconds before it can be safely fired again
interrogating the Knights device for more information->interrogating the Knight's device for more information
I'm not sure about 'linker shadow', what it is, or if it is supposed to be written that way.
Anyway, the viewpoint character dies like a bolo, but the voice sounds a bit funny, and the technical flavor tastes a bit off.
I'm also puzzled as to how both Signum and Ifrit survived intact to such a degree if Belkia-Mid was the same as Concordiat-Melcon. I mean, if their last assignment was together, how do they end up seperated so that they can't reunite?
I'm also wondering if it might not be better for Ifrit to instead key off of Raging Heart as a Enemy built device, and then to, at the end, react to Signum having some sort of semi-functioning Commender's implant embedded in her.
Probably any near canon TSAB would find it needful to destroy the Bolo, so it may be best for the Bolo to die. That said, I am sticking Bolo/Wolkenritter in the ol' idea box for use in less strictly canon cases.
Anyway, I enjoyed it, I still seem to be stuck in methodical hypercritical mode from working with technical writing, and I'd probably better get on to other things for now.
Being odd, and a fan of both Nanoha and Bolos, I've never classified them as a cross over that should not be.
Most of my suggestions would be about increasing the 'feel of a Bolo story'.
Bolos tend to use all the significant digits they have, which is often many. They tend to not use words like few when they have numbers. Given that its sense of time is not so messed up that it cannot provide that later, it should be able to for the first paragraph.
I have some other issues with the Bolo's voice, but that may be due to how long its been since I binged on Bolo stories. The biggest is that the initiating event seems vague and uncertain.
The 'Hell-rail' main weapon seems odd combined with rail gun infinite repeaters. I've heard 'Hell-rail' in an extra canonical context used for a post Hellbore main weapon.
See legal link to publisher approved website:
http://baencd.thefifthimp.../Bolo/0743498720__32.htm
The notion of an ejectable personality core seems odd, given that I am more used to Bolos fighting to the bitter end from their sometimes damaged survival center buried in the center of the armor.
I also find the memory storage confusing, given what I remember about how a Bolo's Holographic memory is supposed to work. (I can see how it supports the thrust of the story.)
Just the grammar suggestions which jumped out at me:
provide critical support services or where killed early->provide critical support services or were killed early
and more of my infinite repeaters going offline due jams or problems with the ammunition-> and more of my infinite repeaters going offline due to jams or problems with the ammunition
Hellrail still taking 4.32 seconds before it can be safely fired again->Hellrail still needing 4.32 seconds before it can be safely fired again
interrogating the Knights device for more information->interrogating the Knight's device for more information
I'm not sure about 'linker shadow', what it is, or if it is supposed to be written that way.
Anyway, the viewpoint character dies like a bolo, but the voice sounds a bit funny, and the technical flavor tastes a bit off.
I'm also puzzled as to how both Signum and Ifrit survived intact to such a degree if Belkia-Mid was the same as Concordiat-Melcon. I mean, if their last assignment was together, how do they end up seperated so that they can't reunite?
I'm also wondering if it might not be better for Ifrit to instead key off of Raging Heart as a Enemy built device, and then to, at the end, react to Signum having some sort of semi-functioning Commender's implant embedded in her.
Probably any near canon TSAB would find it needful to destroy the Bolo, so it may be best for the Bolo to die. That said, I am sticking Bolo/Wolkenritter in the ol' idea box for use in less strictly canon cases.
Anyway, I enjoyed it, I still seem to be stuck in methodical hypercritical mode from working with technical writing, and I'd probably better get on to other things for now.