Adventures in Babysitting

[classicdrogn]

Short one first

Her mind wondered, trying

wandered

She ran from home to be alone, but her friends followed, so did Cloud.

If Cloud followed her with her (parentally approved) friends, it should be "and so did Cloud." If he's included in "her friends" (because what do parents know anyway) and she's wondering about him but the thought trails off, it needs to end with an ellipsis and question mark.

'Tifa! Drink this, it's

You have a single quote at the beginning, and should probably rearrange the breaks - "Tifa, drink this! It's (...)"

opened her mouth, and could gently poured a little into her mouth and she swallowed.

suggest "mouth, and swallowed as Cloud poured it in a gentle trickle."

She felt a little better, but was crying silently the whole time.

I thought she wasn't feeling too bad to begin with? Just kind of disoriented - sure, it's because she's in shock and not really feeling the injuries, but "a little stronger" or "a little more focused" might work better, as well as wondering why she's crying when she doesn't feel too hurt, or else mention that she's crying about her mother being gone. Replacing at least one "She" with her name would also be good, I think.

cry into his muttering about her mother.

into his what?

Cloud felt afraid, he felt something was wrong, but Tifa didn’t notice. If she knew that Cloud was thinking then she probably would have felt hopeless. ‘We’re trapped, and the only thing we can do is wait for help…I don’t know what to do about this whole thing let alone a girl crying on me! What do I DO!' He eventually just hugged her, praying for help.

Well OBVIOUSLY something's wrong, Cloud! You go on and list the things! Honestly. You do need a space after the ellipsis in his thoughts, even if you keep that phrase.

Then Tifa just stopped crying, and Cloud looked at her, and almost screamed in panic. Her eyes were closed, and she was getting cold, he couldn't feel her heartbeat on his chest anymore.

Eh, body heat shouldn't fade that fast - he'd be more likely to notice that she wasn't breathing.

"Put it on her! Quick!" Cloud laid her down, and pressed the Phoenix Down onto Tifa, who gasped a moment later.

Aw, no sparkly SFX? Not even a musical sound as it works? Yuffie got ripped off with low budget Phoenix down.

turning into annoyance.Why

space needed

Tifa and cloud

capitalization

"Ok...Cure."

space

Tifa was covered in white sparkles, and then her face contorted into the image of pain.

suggest, "contorted in pain, as the magic wiped away her body's shock response." Something like that, anyway, to explain why healing makes her suddenly notice the pain of her injuries.

"CURE! CURE! CURE!" The little girl started yelling, casting those spells. Her screams went down, and she started to cry a little. Her leg was no longer pointing the wrong direction at least. The little girl sat down, panting.

You should probably replace the first "Her" with "Tifa" and the second "little girl" with either "Yuffie" since you've already used her name in the text, or "the other girl"/"the new girl"/&c. Giving a reason why she stops before the job is finished - having her sit back and complain about how she hates that tired feeling when she runs out of energy, perhaps - would also be a good idea.

"It hurts..." Tifa moaned. , and Cloud looked at the little girl, and grabbed the Green Orb. , thenSuddenly, knowledge flooded into his head, this was - he know how he needed to heal Tifa.

Cloud looked on with hope,

suggest "renewed hope"

"It...doesn't hurt anymore." She said, and slowly got back up, Cloud helping her up.

space after ellipsis, and you don't need the last "up."

let's get back up there!" The little girl announced,

no capital for "the" - and too many "little girls," not enough "Yuffies"

tossing a empty blue bottle to the side.

"an empty" - where did a bottle come from anyway? Was it from the Hi-Potion? Did she use an Ether to get her SP back? Mentioning it dissolving into sparkles like a dead monster could add a nice touch here, if it's one of those items that just appear out of them in the first place.

“Whaa…what are you doing?”

space

The little girl started climbing, and was bugging Cloud to move faster.

She pouted, but decided not to untie it.

I think you mean Tifa here, but it's unclear since you've been using "little girl" consistently for Yuffie.

“Your not a feather.” the

"You're not a feather," or "Well, you're no feather,"

“I'm seven year's old missy,

"years old, missy,"

I see you did revise Yuffie's age up - seven really does work better here, I think.

And now, the main attraction!

Dr. Hojo was resting his eyes, which did not happen very often. He slept three hours a day, to a man like himself sleep was a waste of time. Even if he took great pleasure in it. So, it was understandable that he grabbed his pistol the moment he heard glass breaking.

suggest "slept just three hours a day, for a man like himself could not abide time wasted doing nothing productive. Even so, those few hours he did allow himself were something he took great pleasure in, so it was"

two experiments that could wreak the town if they got out, or because of Vincent Valentine potentially getting out. It was because he was going to kill the little fucker that interrupted his favorite time of the day. Nap time.

suggest "experimental subjects that could wreck the town if they escaped, or the possibility of Vincent Valentine ending his sulk and getting out; it" It might be funnier if he's angry about having his schedule disrupted rather than nap time being his favorite time of the day - your original version is even stronger than my revision about how he considers it wasted time, a guilty pleasure so to speak. Besides, this is Hojo - his favorite time of the day is SCIENCE! time! Although, he is the type who'll proudly declare that it's always time for SCIENCE!

Dr. Hojo smiled at his pistol. , it It was a modified Turk Pistol model, the 9mm Requiem. It was originally had been Vincent's hand gun, and just like with Vincent's relationship with Lucrecia, he made it his own and improved upon it. He didn’t like the name, but considering that the sound of the pistol was the last thing their victims heard before dying, the name Requiem was fitting since a Requiem was a funeral dredge.

"dirge" and no capital on the last "Requiem."

adaption that he did made himself. Each bullet was harder tougher than the average bullet, nigh lead slug as well, all but indestructible in fact. Each bullet They each contained two small Materia, a Fire and a Drain Materia, which would embed itself be embedded into the target.

The Drain Materia would siphon Mako from the target automatically, channeling the Mako it into the fire materia,

capitals?

which would overload with Mako in .2 seconds of starting with enough the force of a Firaga spell. The whole process took .3 seconds, and normally killed could kill most monsters

with one attack, since the bullets could penetrate five to six inches below even the toughest armor.

So, you can image the good Doctors doctor's surprise when he saw both monsters experiments, dead,

“Sir! Help, we’re hurt!” A blonde haired

no capital "a", and boys' hair is just "blond" (no "e") for some reason.

“WAHAHAHHHHHHHHAAAAAA” A little girl

This looks like she's laughing at first - I recommend just using "The little girl was crying loudly, also clutching her wrist" or something similar.

As far as Dr. Hojo could tell, they came down here, woke up the monsters disrupted his experiments, then one killed one the first monster with a head shot, but dropped the pistol when the kick broke the child’s wrist. Likely the little girl. Then the boy, at least he guessed the boy, picked up the gun and killed the second monster with a headshot when it was about to attack, breaking his wrist as well.[/quote]You already have him mentioning the shots having landed in the heads before - and considering that these critters just got hit with three Firaga equivalents apiece, even center mass shots are not likely to have left much remains, and are much easier to pull off besides.

“It’s alright children, I I've got just the cure…” Professor Hojo said, going to a cabinet with two syringes and a few materia, a

You should decide whether to capitalize materia or not and then apply it consistently - I'd go for no caps myself, but either way works. You should probably also end the sentence and start a new one with the "A"

Cura spell should help them sufficiently suffice. He put down the gun, this was going to be too easy.[s] thinking, 'This will do the trick. All too easy.'[/s]

[s]Given how little time there is to establish Hojo's douchebaggery on camera here, adding a short rant about how no one even comes close to challenging his intellect might also be good.

[/s]

[s]poisonous, I’m giving you the[/s]

[s]poisonous. I'll need to inject the

[/s]

[s]snot [s]was dribbling out of the girls nose[/s][/s]

[s] XP Is this really a necessary detail? Eww.

[/s]

[s]Synge[/s]

[s]syringe, no caps

[/s]

[s]“What…HOJO!” A voice [/s]

[s]In this case, the capital is probably appropriate. Still need a space after the ellipsis, though.

[/s]

[s]a gun that would [s]destroy their wrists damage their own bodies like that.” Dr. Hojo snarked, inching his way to the Requiem.[/s][/s]

[s]
[/s]

[s]fight him, [s]but was going to discontinue doing so though he'd almost cancelled the project since he believed that Vincent would never wake up. Good thing he didn’t.[/s][/s]

[s]

[/s]

[s]floating in the air (no comma) over his dead body [s], t Then stared he began to sink into the ground.[/s][/s]

[s]

[/s]

[s]“I’m dead? [s]... I am now in joining the lifestream…” He pondered, going into the ground, now surrounded by green energy.

“How interesting…” He then felt himself being tugged, and decided to go to the object tugging follow the feeling. Maybe it was the reincarnation calling to him , then? He only realized what it was when he heard the sound of the Mako reactor.

“NO! I will not end like this!” He [/s][/s]

[s] no caps [/s]

[s] yelled, now unable to escape the [s]reactor pull.

The Doctors technicians at ShinRa corporation would notice that the reactor at NibilhimNibelheim(? Nibilheim?) had some strange readings at the at that time, but it was duly noted nothing alarming.

-0-0-0-0-0-
[/s][/s]

[s]This scene break feels a little early - there's still Vince talking to the kids before they leave after all.

[/s]

[s]dead body infront [/s]

[s] in front

[/s]

[s]cape was bellowing [/s]

[s]billowing

[/s]

[s]“I must now sleep…I still must repent for what I have done…” He said with a deep sadness, as he mentally [s]demanded for commanded the coffin to open.[/s][/s]

[s] Ths is one of those things that never made sense to me - what good does it do for him to hide in a basement? If he wants to repent and atone for his past, sulking in a corner ain't gonna cut it. I'd suggest also moving this part with Vince to after the kids climb the stairs and leave, as it makes the scenes flow more naturally.

[/s]

[s]“You burned down Nibelheim.” Tifa asked as they walked away from the smoking ruins of Nibelheim.[/s]

[s]Wait, what? You need to indicate that there's been a significant time skip here. Try this: The three children stood on the crest of a rise on the road out of town, the afternoon sun stretching their shadows until they blended in with the smoke and ruins below. "You burned down Nibelheim," Tifa stated flatly, as they turned and started walking away.

[/s]

[s]mysteries!” She added.[/s]

[s]no caps

[/s]

[s]water tower.” Tifa [/s]

[s] comma, not period

[/s]

[s]look around. [s], h Here, let me show you!” Yuffie yelled, she having decided to stop hiding her presence and was come out in the open. She quickly, a little too quickly, climbed the Water Tower in the middle of the town.

“I can see every…HEY[/s][/s]

[s] space
[/s]

[s]I was training with my new sensei, Zangan.”

“We were using the water tower as a punching post!”[/s]

[s]Is this two different characters speaking? If it's just one, it should be one line, and adding an identifier would also be a good idea.

[/s]

[s]“[s]Heh…heh… Eheh... Cloud, go ahead and continue the story.”[/s][/s]

[s]Is this Tifa or Yuffie?

[/s]

[s]“HOLY!” Tifa yelled, diving out of the way of the tower with her sensei, landing right next to Cloud and Yuffie, who’s [/s]

[s]whose - I was going to make a crack about Aerith being the one with the Holy materia, but couldn't think of a clever way to work it in.

[/s]

[s]A Large red bird appeared out of nowhere, and the whole town, a town full of dry, wooden [s]town buildings, suddenly caught on fire at the same time of the Water Tower collapsing on Clouds house.[/s][/s]

[s] no caps on "large" and "water tower," plus the suggestion above.

[/s]

[s]Tifa’s father screamed, [s]yellingrunning out of his home , then before he fell down, dead. Tifa tried to run to him, yelling out "Daddy!" (no comma) not understanding what was going on. Then he stood back up, no longer on fire.

“What the…I…how am I not dead? I’m not even burned!” He[/s][/s]

[s] no caps

[/s]

[s]Phoenix [s]! ? Why would you...? Oh no…You need to go, now, ! B before the town tries to get justice on townfolk realize it was you! Go, leave now! Zangan, please take Tifa with you!” He[/s][/s]

[s] no caps

[/s]

[s] begged.

“Very well. I will go [s].” He ," Zangan said, bowing his head slightly.[/s][/s]

[s]

[/s]

[s]before [s]the town everyone raids my house.[/s][/s]

[s]

[/s]

[s]the only [s]place’s places to not burn down.” Tifa muttered.

“Cloud, please continue the story .” ," Zangan requested.[/s][/s]

[s]

[/s]

[s]first [s]dat..Day, dat- I mean day, with the princess?”

“It went alright mom, l , mom. Look, we need to[/s][/s]

[s]

[/s]

[s]Haste Materia…it[/s]

[s] space, and possibly capititlization

[/s]

[s]Sauna[/s]

[s] no caps

[/s]

[s]clothes…By [/s]

[s] space
[/s]

[s]moment…when[/s]

[s] space

[/s]

[s]huh?” His [/s]

[s] no caps

[/s]

[s]“Alright…Good by[/s]

[s]"Alright... Goodbye

[/s]

[s]expanded [s]you’re your backpack and lunchbox , y You have enough peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to last you a week , d - Don’t [/s][/s]

[s]

[/s]

[s]for hunting?”[/s]

[s]Cloud asked.

[/s]

[s]“Yes, but this is where the ‘FunPop’ comes in [s], Dr.. Doctor Hojo, the professor that visits ShinRa Mansion, did me a favor after I did him a favor, l - Oh, and let me tell you he is quite the charmer .” S ," she gushed.[/s][/s]

[s]Cloud... your mom is a ditz. And has terrible taste in men... though considering he hooked up with Lucrecia as well, Hojo must have had some level of game.

[/s]

[s]“Don’t worry, I enjoyed it [s].” S ," she said cooed,[/s][/s]

[s]

[/s]

[s]laboratory [s].” ," Miss Strife said, not caring somehow not seeming to care that Dr. Hojo was dead, nor that his killer was in town.[/s][/s]

[s]

[/s]

[s]cigar box. He opened it, and found six Materia inside. Four Green, one yellow, and a blue one.

“What are they?”

“Touch them and find out.” And cloud did, reaching for a green one.

“Fire. It makes fire.”

“Yes, now the others?”

“Ice…lightning…this one heals, this one…multiplies a spell across an area of effect?” Cloud looked at her mother.[/s]

[s]This bit feels kind of awkward all around... How about this:

He opened it, and found half a dozen materia nestled inside.

"What kind are they?" he asked.

"Touch them and find out," his mother replied cheerfully.

He picked the first up confidently - it's not like his mam would give them to him if they were dangerous, right? - and held it in his hand, peering into the gentle green glow as if he'd find the answer written there. That wasn't how they worked, of course, it simply flowed into his mind. "Fire... it makes fire."

"That's right. And the others...?"

Setting the Fire materia back in the box, he tried the other two green ones first. "Ice, and Lightning. This yellow one heals, and the blue... It makes another spell affect a wider area?"

Also, Yuffie's Cure in the shorter segment is green, so one or the other will need to be fixed.

[/s]

[s]“Cool…and this one let’s me do ventriloquy?”[/s]

[s] "Cool... and (...) ventriloquism?"

[/s]

[s]later, its fun[/s]

[s]"its" = "belonging to it," "it's" = "it is" I believe you intend the second.

[/s]

[s]put the Cigar box into the backpack.[/s]

[s] no caps

[/s]

[s]“Omigash![/s]

[s]"Ohmigosh! - the other spelling has... unfortunate implications...

[/s]

[s]the Camp Fire, and making beverages cold on a hot day.”[/s]

[s] no caps - and I have to agree, Zangbro knows exactly what the best uses for materia are. A warm fire and a cold drink, what more does a skilled martial artist need magic for?

[/s]

[s]“It’s on my bucket list [s].” S ," she replied with a grin.

“Stop right there .” ," Cloud interrupted.

“Oh! I was just about to tell a good joke though!” She the princess complained.

“No, it didn’t work last time .” , either," Cloud said firmly.

“Bleh! Your no fun!” Yuffie said complained, turning her back to Cloud on the boy.

“Moggles.”[/s][/s]

[s]comma here, and is it moggles or moogles? I've seen "mog" for a single one occasionally, but usually with the double "o"

[/s]

[s]Zangan's trained [s]hearding hearing allowed him to hear catch it also.

Yuffie snorted, trying to hold back laughter.

“Alright! Your You're fun!” She gave in, laughing hard.

Tifa and her Sensei just stared at Yuffie who was almost on the ground from laughing.

“Ah…Inside joke.”[/s][/s]

[s]space, and comma not period
[/s]

[s]“Sorry?” [s]He he said (comma) uncertain of what to do (period)

(new paragraph)Zangan just looked on with a smile. So, this boy had Tifa’s affections? And this Yuffie girl didn’t have any idea of anything like that, but Tifa thinks she like’s likes Cloud?
“Whhhubbrwb!” The Egg egg shattered, and the new born Chocobo hatchling looked around, then stared Tifa in the eye and rubbed it’s its gooey head against her head[/s][/s]

[s] (hers or her cheek/face/chest/etc. - head is a little too generic. Also, newly hatched chicks are, indeed, wet and gooey, so I'd expect her to protest about that. It should dry off within a couple of minutes, though, especially if they towel it.

[/s]

[s]It [s]thinks’ your it’s thinks you're its mother.” Zangan commented.

“What are you going to name…him?” Her Sensei asked, checking the gender real quick.[/s][/s]

[s]Ehem. Birds don't have external genitalia, so to check chicks you have to do something undignified with their hinterparts. Cue double-eww reaction from the kids.

[/s]

[s]“Choco [s].” S ," she said, and Yuffie rolled her eyes.

“Original .” ," Yuffie muttered. That just made Tifa want the name even more.

“Choco…I like it.”[/s][/s]

[s]space, and a comma at the end

[/s]

[s]top of [s]clouds Cloud's head, and started scratching lightly.

“HEY!” Cloud yelled, picking up the bird, and it squawked again.

“It was trying to roost, you’re your hair is remarkably like a chocobo’s in color.”[/s][/s]

[s]Who says this?

[/s]

[s]“Gee. I feel special [s].” H ," he muttered (no comma) as the bird ran over to Tifa, asking to be picked up. , and she obligated her. She obliged, with an amused grin.

“He will grow fast, three months he will be ready for you young ones to ride, one at a time of course.” (says who?)

“What about food?” (says who?)

“He will eat the grass, and find Gashyle Greens naturally (comma)” Zangan said, now thinking about getting Chocobos for the others too. That way they could all ride.[/s][/s]

[s]

[/s]

[s]In the middle of the night, Zangan smiled, staring at the Wutai Warrior underneath him, he was asleep in a very well laid out trap; the only way to get to him was by alerting the Wutai Warrior. At least by conventional means.

But Zangan was by no means conventional. But, as he was about to get answers from this man, he sensed someone, prompting him to hide himself quickly. The Wutai warrior snapped to attention, facing towards where that exact moment a howl erupted in the night.[/s]

[s]Ack, an awkward passage of awkwardness! How awkward! How about this:

Late that night, Zangan smiled, looking over the Wutai soldier (at his feet/below the tree he'd climbed/etc.) The man had laid out to take his rest in the center of a very cunning trap. There was no way to get to him without first rousing him, at least by conventional means.

Of course, he was by no means limited to the conventional, but before he could approach to get some answers from the Wutai man he sensed another presence. Zangan quickly concealed himself, while the soldier snapped upright and turned to face the source of the disruption - a loud howl that suddenly split the night.

[/s]

[s]Cloud stirred in his sleep, and woke up to a howl (period) Yuffie’s foot was on his arm again and Tfia was in her sleeping bag on the other side of the tent.

He noticed that Zangan was not [s]outside of the tent visible through the tent flaps, and poked his head outside...

... only to meet two bright red eyes (comma) and a ball of orange slamming that slammed into him.[/s][/s]

[s]

Feel free to use, modify, or ignore the suggested changes as you see fit - it's your story, after all.[/s]
--
"Anko, what you do in your free time is your own choice. Use it wisely. And if you do not use it wisely, make sure you thoroughly enjoy whatever unwise thing you are doing." - HymnOfRagnorok as Orochimaru at SpaceBattles
woot Med. Eng., verb, 1st & 3rd pers. prsnt. sg. know, knows