I lurk at SV, among other sites. When I read what you posted there, it was very well done from a technical standpoint. In terms of writing a tense action scene and believable character, your writing is without lethal or even obvious flaws. (In non-literature class words, thumbs up, you've got talent, keep on writing). I also don't have the complaints Kchasm had- I get the feeling you're going in a different direction than he expected it to go. However, it had several...characteristics I consider danger signs among fanfiction specifically. THese patterns (or tropes, I guess) can co-exist with skill at the writer's craft (especially in fanfiction) because they stem from the author's mindset and emotions, rather than from skill and talent. Thus their presence makes your fic look bad at first glance, regardless of your solid writing ability.
In other words, your story resembles the work of a mary-sue writer, or a Skysaber; a person with literary talent whose headspace, opinions, pride, lack of maturity, and emotions ends up ruining what he writes.
I say that you are a perfectly good and mature person from your behavior on this forum, and a deeper reading of your story corraborates this. But the story makes a bad first impression for you.
While my ultimate verdict was that this resemblence was ultimately superfical, not substantial, the off-putting resemblence remains.
The first characteristic was the characterization of Rei, and her interactions with zeke. I won't lie, it reminds me of a poorly characterized ranma fanfic; hostile, proud, girl, who's in way over her head but doesn't know it, and a more reasonable guy, who takes undeserved accusations of lechery but nevertheless will save the girl with his superior ability when she gets in over her head due to her impoliteness and lack of true knowledge or ability. You see this a lot with anime series that have a "mistaken for lecher, slapstick comedy follows" element, and it generally doesn't bode well.
More generally Rei is obviously wrong about Zeke, and appears largely ignorant of the situation, while Zeke clearly has a better grasp on the reality of the situation. Having a character who was heroic, or at least not an antagonist, be objectively wrong about the world around them, as compared to a objectively right protagonist, is something I've commonly seen in ameturish works, and at times outright cases of character bashing.
The soul-marriage thing also smacks of plot devices I've seen used in HP and Inuyasha fan fiction to facilitate pairings or slash. The OC main character only intensifies the patterns I'm seeing, especially with a backstory that could be seen as "angsty" and the way he's never really called out for bad behavior or on his attitude (I'm don't think he deserves it, but not being called out on it is something Zeke shares in common with lesser OC's and self-inserts).
Outside of fanfiction, I wouln't give these plot devices a second glance. I'd perhaps sniff at the soul-bond thing, but I'd consider it an acceptable romance trope.
Within the context of a fanfiction story, superfically speaking your story has a number of characteristics of fics written by authors who let their feelings towards the characters and wish-fullfillment get away with them, and injure their ability to write a believable story and characterize the author's character's properly.
That said, a deeper examination belies those hints. Most prominently, Zeke and Rei got soul-bound prior to a massive change in Rei's attitude and personality, unlike most other fics that follow the pattern I'm seeing. The characterization of all the other characters is also accurate; in a true story of this type, you'd see far more distortion of their characters.
Unfortunately, at first glance, your story still looks like the product of an author whose wish-fulfillment is untempered by self-awareness or objectivity, so people's first reactions are going to be negative. Mine certainly was.
In other words, your story resembles the work of a mary-sue writer, or a Skysaber; a person with literary talent whose headspace, opinions, pride, lack of maturity, and emotions ends up ruining what he writes.
I say that you are a perfectly good and mature person from your behavior on this forum, and a deeper reading of your story corraborates this. But the story makes a bad first impression for you.
While my ultimate verdict was that this resemblence was ultimately superfical, not substantial, the off-putting resemblence remains.
The first characteristic was the characterization of Rei, and her interactions with zeke. I won't lie, it reminds me of a poorly characterized ranma fanfic; hostile, proud, girl, who's in way over her head but doesn't know it, and a more reasonable guy, who takes undeserved accusations of lechery but nevertheless will save the girl with his superior ability when she gets in over her head due to her impoliteness and lack of true knowledge or ability. You see this a lot with anime series that have a "mistaken for lecher, slapstick comedy follows" element, and it generally doesn't bode well.
More generally Rei is obviously wrong about Zeke, and appears largely ignorant of the situation, while Zeke clearly has a better grasp on the reality of the situation. Having a character who was heroic, or at least not an antagonist, be objectively wrong about the world around them, as compared to a objectively right protagonist, is something I've commonly seen in ameturish works, and at times outright cases of character bashing.
The soul-marriage thing also smacks of plot devices I've seen used in HP and Inuyasha fan fiction to facilitate pairings or slash. The OC main character only intensifies the patterns I'm seeing, especially with a backstory that could be seen as "angsty" and the way he's never really called out for bad behavior or on his attitude (I'm don't think he deserves it, but not being called out on it is something Zeke shares in common with lesser OC's and self-inserts).
Outside of fanfiction, I wouln't give these plot devices a second glance. I'd perhaps sniff at the soul-bond thing, but I'd consider it an acceptable romance trope.
Within the context of a fanfiction story, superfically speaking your story has a number of characteristics of fics written by authors who let their feelings towards the characters and wish-fullfillment get away with them, and injure their ability to write a believable story and characterize the author's character's properly.
That said, a deeper examination belies those hints. Most prominently, Zeke and Rei got soul-bound prior to a massive change in Rei's attitude and personality, unlike most other fics that follow the pattern I'm seeing. The characterization of all the other characters is also accurate; in a true story of this type, you'd see far more distortion of their characters.
Unfortunately, at first glance, your story still looks like the product of an author whose wish-fulfillment is untempered by self-awareness or objectivity, so people's first reactions are going to be negative. Mine certainly was.