Someone MUST Write This

[Bob Schroeck]

I came across the following on Tumblr this morning:

myurbandream:

gotham-mother-of-monsters:

my problem with the ‘harry becomes lord of 2/3/4/5 ancient noble
houses’ trope is so unbelievably petty because its that fic writers
don’t take it to the potential extreme. like, okay, you wanna make harry
the bossest of bitches i get that, i understand, i have that urge too
from time to time, but c’mon, be a little more creative about it please

so how about a fic where harry goes to gringotts after the fighting
is all over to try to make peace with the goblin nation because this boy
does not need more problems and after much hostility and some
groveling and promises of future payments for damages caused a plucky
goblin lass comes and shuffles harry into her tiny cube office to
discuss the nature of his financial situation

(this is a grave insult among goblins. getting handled by a female,
first of all, because they are supposedly less capable bankers, hello
misogyny among other species, and because they consider anyone who needs
help with his money to be lower than cave scum. harry doesn’t know
about his. and if he did, he wouldn’t care because he does, desperately,
need help)

and plucky goblin lass (who we will call PGL for short) brings out
this MASSIVE tome of parchment and slams it down on her desk. a cloud of
dust rises. harry sneezes and gets a terrible feeling. some of the
parchment is mildewing. the stack is taller than his hand is wide. this can only end badly

PGL tells him that he’ll need to read the entire book to fully comprehend the new scope of his property and harry kind of weakly says “what??”

and it turns out that heyo, when the death eaters swore to follow
voldemort with all their lives and souls and magic in their little
racist hearts they actually swore a modified liege lord oath which also
has the coincidental side effect of ceding all titles (and property
connected to said titles) held to the lord in question too. haha how
funny who knew

and that’s an ongoing thing. so voldemort was the de facto head of
two dozen magical houses at the beginning of the war and he just picked
up more as he gained more followers and he probably could have just
voted himself and his crew into every position of the government and run
the country like that if he cared to do it but voldemort was not about
dat political life. he wanted change and he wanted it now. he wanted to
MAKE AMERICA MAGICAL BRITAIN GREAT AGAIN. so he started
a civil war and just never informed his loyal death eaters of that
little fact because they didn’t need to know.

and you might think that gringotts vaults are tied into bloodlines but they’re really not.
the malfoy family vault belongs to whoever is the current head of the
malfoy family. normally, that’s a malfoy and his malfoy spawn becomes
the next head and so it passes through the family, accumulating
inherited wealth. it was a working system until voldemort got involved
and exploited the ever-living hell out of it.

now this all becomes harry’s problem because it turns out that Right
of Conquest is an actual thing. what was voldemort’s is now his and
voldemort has has the time to accumulate A Metric Fuck Ton of stuff.

also connected to titles are votes in the wizengamot. and whoo boy,
this is where harry’s problem becomes really really really problematic.
because the noble families squabble over those votes like children,
hoarding them and passing them down, occasionally trading them for
advantageous marriages and such, but mostly jealously guarding them like
the politcal gold they are. it’s such a bitterly tight-fisted market
that any one family has ~maybe~ three or  four votes.

and now harry bloody potter has a hundred of the things and a completely unintentional stranglehold on the government. whoops

and then hermione would shotput harry straight into the
wizengamot

against his protests and things would become so hilarious i just

some jerkass attempts to increase his own salary for doing basically nothing

“how about no,” harry and his hundred votes say.

somebody attempts to tighten restrictions on where magical creatures like vampires and werewolves can work

“how about no.” harry crosses his arms. “actually, how about we
repeal those bullshit laws already in place that make it almost
impossible for werewolves to get a job right now, hmmmm? and how about
we put something in place to catch abusive owners of house elves? and
make sure they get paid? and vacation days? and healthcare? actually how
about we get healthcare for EVERYBODY HOW ABOUT T H A T?”

ten generations of purebloods cry out in horror. look upon him ye mighty and despair.

the years after voldemort’s defeat don’t go down in history as The
Golden Era. in fact, thanks to harry bloody potter (and some incessant
nudging by hermione granger), they go down as The Decade of Frankly
Astonishing Strides Toward Equality *cough* enforced by a
semi-plutocracy.

(all thanks to a third tier plot never really explored by a would-be dictator YOU’RE ALL WELCOME)

Omg this is beautiful.

Bless you, plucky goblin lass.

-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.