Thread of Awesome: THIS! IS!! QUOTEFILE!!!

[Aleh]

From a Boku no Hero Academia fic:

They enter Koji’s personal training area to see Mineta and Nirengeki Shoda of class 1-B battling it out. Both of them are riding atop particularly large deers, using their antlers as handlers and trying to throw each other from their mounts with long sticks pretending to be lances.

Kouda is in the background. He is giving another deer a small wad of money (WHY). The deer delicately takes it into its mouth, and departs into the forest.

What the fuck? What the ACTUAL EVERLIVING FUCK? What just happened? Why did it happen? Did someone sneak some drugs in Eraserhead’s coffee? Why would a deer accept money?

“Well, normally animals can’t comprehend very detailed instructions.” Midoriya starts his explanations. “However Kouda can tell them to do rather complicated things. I’ve made a theory that repeated usages of his quirks on the same animals actually stimulate their intellectual growth. They don’t make them much smarter, but they expand their horizons, introducing new, human concepts and so on. So… we’ve begun to experiment on how far we can take them.”

Alright, Eraserhead. You are a teacher. A veteran hero. Sure, someone must have hit you with an insanity-inducing quirk, but you can do it. Do it the same way as you did your relationship with Emi ever since she knocked your house door’s in and dragged you out for a date.

Wing it.

“So… you started to bribe them?” Be calm. Be calm. Be calm. “What do they even need money for?”

“Oh, there is a shop down the street that sells a lot of natural food.” Midoriya replies. “Almost at the forest’s edge. We made a deal with the owner that they exchange the money brought by the deers for some food that they can eat safely. Apparently having deers come out of the forest to buy food from you really drives your sales up when you’re selling organic food. We’re actually getting most of the money back for this, especially after they realized what a spike in popularity it gave them. ”

Well, he can imagine that.

“Midoriya.” Eraserhead really wants to jump out of the window now. Alas, he is outside. No windows in sight. “Stop corrupting the local wildlife, please.”

Kouda quickly starts gesticulating. Sign language. Thankfully, Eraserhead knows it (so does Midoriya, but that concludes the list of people who can speak it in the vicinity).

“Koji.” Eraserhead is sooo done right now. “Refer to this as ‘teaching your furry friends about the joys of living in a capitalist society’ again, and I swear to god, you’re going to get expelled faster than you can say ‘public ownership of the means of production’. Did I make myself clear?”

Even more gestures. Koji seems to be vaguely pouting (hard to say when you look like you’re a stone golem).

“Koji, no.” Eraserhead is adamant. “You aren’t teaching them how to compete with humans on the market in order to obtain financial independence. You are messing up their lives. Stop doing that.” More signs. “What do you mean by ‘I refuse to close my pet rabbit’s stock market portfolio’?”