HEARING
before the
JOINT COMMITTEE ON
EXTRATERRESTRIAL SECURITY
ONE HUNDRED THIRTEENTH CONGRESS
Second Session
NASA'S HANDWAVIUM CRISIS
TUESDAY, MARCH 18TH, 2014
Joint Committee on Extraterrestrial Security
before the
JOINT COMMITTEE ON
EXTRATERRESTRIAL SECURITY
ONE HUNDRED THIRTEENTH CONGRESS
Second Session
NASA'S HANDWAVIUM CRISIS
TUESDAY, MARCH 18TH, 2014
Joint Committee on Extraterrestrial Security
Washington, D.C.
The Committee met, pursuant to call, at 8:03 a.m., in the Caucus Room of the Russell Senate Office Building, Hon. Alan Kellerman [chairman of the Committee] presiding.
Chair Kellerman: This hearing will come to order. Good morning. Let me thank everyone for coming. I know it's early, but we have a lot to get through today.
This is an oversight hearing to review the situation that has arisen with the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) and their access to the substance known as handwavium. NASA has been at the vanguard of American scientific and technological research for fifty-five years, but they were excluded from handwavium research by the Protecting America's Technological Security Act of 2008. Late last year, NASA revealed that they had in fact refit their three space shuttle orbiters using handwavium in clear violation of the law.
The purpose of this hearing, as I stated is to determine when, how and why NASA engineers got their hands on handwavium. I wish to thank General Fnord for taking the time out of his schedule to meet with us this week in the hopes that we can get to the bottom of this matter. Since we have lots to do but not much time to do it in, I'd like to ask that the other members of the Committee not make any statement until we've first heard from General Fnord.
General Fnord, please go ahead.
STATEMENT OF S. MALACLYPSE FNORD, COMMANDER, SOVIET AIR FORCE-IN-EXILE
General Fnord: Chairman Kellerman, ladies and gentlemen of the Committee. Thank you for the opportunity to appear before you today and clear the air, so to speak. I am not here to ramble on endlessly from a prepared statement but to answer your questions. As such my statement will be brief.
A wise man of my casual acquaintance once said that the truth is a terrible and beautiful thing, and should therefore be approached with great caution. It's something that I've taken to heart in my life – many of the things that the Soviet Air Force deals with in their daily work are both beautiful and terrible, and only a fool approaches, say, the surface of Mercury incautiously.
The Committee's interest in the NASA affair is part of a longer struggle, one that I and my fellow Fen have been watching with interest for many years now. Some of us have been inclined to meddle. Not for any mean gain, mind you, but for what we consider the greater good of the United States and the human race in general.
We're approaching the truth now, and now we need to be extra careful. Some of what I say will be not what you want to hear, and some of it will be exactly what you want to hear. I can promise that most of you won't like it very much.
So let's get this inquisition started.
OOC: I was going to do a more traditional intro for this, but this has been idle for too long, so screw it. If I come up with something worthwhile I'll edit it in when this goes to the wiki.
Okay, so here's how this bit's going to work. Trying to hammer out an entire Congressional testimony session by myself has been giving me fits, so I'm going to open it up for RP. Pick a politician or two and have them ask questions, and Mal will answer them to be best of his ability.
Here's the committee membership:
Senate Members
-----------------------
Majority Party (R):
Alan Kellerman (KS) (Chairman) (Original Character)
John Cornyn (TX)
John McCain (AZ)
Lisa Murkowski (AK)
Jim Risch (ID)
John Ensign (NV)
Minority Party (D):
Bernie Sanders (VT)
John Kerry (MA)
Mark Udall (CO)
Russ Feingold (WI)
House Members
-----------------------
Majority Party (R):
Bill Cassidy (LA)
Mike Coffman (CO)
Jim Sesnsenbrenner (WI)
Michele Bachmann (MN)
Chris Ferguson (FL) (Original Character)
Keith Bornstein (CA) (Original Character)
Minority Party (D):
Henry Waxman (CA)
Dennis Kucinich (OH)
Laura Farrar (NV) (Original Character)
Joseph Mcintire (NY) (Original Character)
As RP style goes, basically Kellerman is as described back in the OP, he's strongly anti-Fen. Most of the rest of the committee are neutral to mildly hostile. Bachmann is the black-helicopter comedy option; any paranoid gibberish you want spouted will probably sound best coming from her.
Take your pick and let's grill us a space commie! --Mal
Mr. Fnord interdimensional man of mystery
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