[Story]Shadowrunning, Part 2

[Star Ranger4]

After the promised re read of the previous installment as well as this segment, the only thing that sticks out to me is during the Nova POV.

Hotaru didn’t even get the chance to shout out “Missile inbound!” before it hit

As the primary gunner, this wouldnt really be her job anyway, nor would there be any reason for her to NEED to report this. Nova is already QUITE aware they are under attack. They just fired off their full compliment of countermeasures, after all. IF there was anything that Hotaru should have been considering reporting aloud it would have been more along the lines of "LEAKER", that being the term normally used for missiles that have gotten past the anti missile defenses. Not that it would matter since the crew should already be bracing for a hit after the "Brace, brace brace" command already given.

Mari hung on to her panel. “Pitch and Roll! We’re pitching up. ’ll kill pitch. Kill the roll.”

possible editorial error here. would read better as "I'll kill the pitch, you kill the roll"

“I still have a fix on Nehallenia, the sun and our marker stars.” Desmond announced. “We’re passed the asteroid,”

Past, or "on the far side"

I'd make a horrible joke comparing Hotaru to Kenny from South Park, but...
Hear that thunder rolling till it seems to split the sky?
That's every ship in Grayson's Navy taking up the cry-
NO QUARTER!!!
-- "No Quarter", by Echo's Children