Okay... I read it.
Since I know you respect my opinion I'll tell you flat out I was whole heartedly dumbfounded miss 'I'm not a good writer' the only thing that I
got hung up on was "Consciousness bubbled forth like the head of a warm beer" and that was only because I had to bust out laughing at the imagery.
Appropriate just unexpected and seemingly out of place for the rest of the writing style HOWEVER it does fit the point you're trying to convey rather well.
I'm looking forward to the continuation and I to your "not a good writer" I'll show you worse if you really feel inadequate here.
Since I know you respect my opinion I'll tell you flat out I was whole heartedly dumbfounded miss 'I'm not a good writer' the only thing that I
got hung up on was "Consciousness bubbled forth like the head of a warm beer" and that was only because I had to bust out laughing at the imagery.
Appropriate just unexpected and seemingly out of place for the rest of the writing style HOWEVER it does fit the point you're trying to convey rather well.
I'm looking forward to the continuation and I to your "not a good writer" I'll show you worse if you really feel inadequate here.