Okay.
So, I know people got things going on right now.
Who doesn't?
This is part of the reason why I went with a shorter bit in Love the Grief Seed. And I wasn't really looking for essay-answers here. Even a quick little, "Looks good, keep it up" would have been fine.
But when I get radio silence like this, I feel as though I'm talking into a void.
And when I feel as though I'm talking into a void?
That's when my anxiety kicks into high-gear.
"Nothing you do matters. They don't care. They've just been humoring you all along."
I know that's not true.
But as we've already covered, anxiety is not logical at all. The only part about it that *is* logical is when there is direct and clear evidence to prove my anxiety is wrong, and then it shuts the fuck up and goes back to its corner.
But with this silence that I've been getting, my anxiety goes, "Well! We can neither confirm nor deny anything, now, can we? Sucks to be you! You're stuck with me now!"
So. Here's the deal.
I can't afford to be dealing with my anxiety like that. Seriously. I do *not* have the spoons for it.
And before you say, "How bad can it be?" Well, let me explain it in excruciating detail for you.
I take care of two, sometimes three of my brothers. "Care" is a bit of a loose term here because they're all grown-ass adults. Or at least they're supposed to be.
One of them has felonies on his record. It's hard for him to find work, and even harder for him to find housing. He doesn't even try any more and relies on plasma donation for money.
One of them complains about being tired all the time and cannot wear shoes or be on his feet for extended periods of time. He's also over two-hundred pounds overweight. You might say, "Well, that's why he can't be on his feet all the time!" Except there is the shoes part. He can't wear them for long even when he's sitting down. I've already told him flat-out that he needs to get tested for diabetes but he keeps looking at me like I'm an ass hole for insisting on it, never mind that there is a state health care system here that handles shit like that if you have difficulty finding work. He doesn't even try, though, and also relies on plasma donation for money.
Number three is the on-and-off one. He's been spending time with my mom and dad in McAllen - city down by the Texas-Mexico border that Mom and Dad moved to because apparently San Antonio is too noisy. He somehow suffered some kind of spinal injury that makes it difficult for him to even get up and go to the bathroom. Don't ask me why he hasn't gotten an MRI done - everyone keeps saying they're "working on it". Mom and Dad at least send me a bit of money every month to cover his share of the bills, but that's it.
Oh, and I'm stuck helping one of my other brothers pay off the car payment for the Jetta... the one that got wrecked and is now sitting because the frame is bent up such that it's chewing through tires fast enough that it's becoming too expensive for me to keep using it for work.
The insurance company kept trying to tell me it's totaled in accordance to company policy despite Texas State Law stating that a car is only totaled once the cost of repair exceeds the cash value of the vehicle before the accident (and not the "trade-in" value - the law is very succinct in making that distinction clear). The Jetta's Blue Book value was a bit over $8k. Estimates to repair? Between $5.4k to $6k. (Which means even in places where the threshold is 75% of the vehicle's cash value, it still doesn't cross the line into "Totaled".) Told the fuckers to go pound sand. Literally. The stunned silence I got from them on the phone was glorious.
I am the only person here that is gainfully employed here. The one who has the Jetta in their name is attending online classes using his MGIB payout, so he can't help me out any. There is one other who is employed (remember, I've got FIVE brothers, only two/three of them actually live with me), but he blows his money on his girlfriends, and he doesn't live with me so I have no right to tell him what to do with his money.
That's the situation I'm in, and I am barely scraping by because of it.
So instead letting myself be distracted by TNB, I'm going to be taking time out to do things that are more important to my immediate survival. Like making sure I'm maintaining a regular sleep schedule, fixing my cars on my days off, showing up to work early so I can make more money so I can work on fixing my cars on my days off, clean my room so the Hurricane Katrina style mess isn't wearing on my depression so much, and making some medical appointments that I've been putting off because I've been too distracted to focus on that.
For real. The point I'm at right now? Things aren't getting worse.... but they aren't getting any better. And I can't afford to just wait around for things to become "easy". I need to start doing things that will improve my life. Not just the "quality" of my life, but actual, over-all improvements.
And if this project isn't helping me? If it's only being a drag on my mental health? Then it needs to go on a back burner for a while until I legitimately have more free time available that I can comfortably allocate to it. And even then, only if people are willing to interact.
Otherwise? What is even the point of a collaborative project if no one wants to collaborate?
Catch you guys later.
So, I know people got things going on right now.
Who doesn't?
This is part of the reason why I went with a shorter bit in Love the Grief Seed. And I wasn't really looking for essay-answers here. Even a quick little, "Looks good, keep it up" would have been fine.
But when I get radio silence like this, I feel as though I'm talking into a void.
And when I feel as though I'm talking into a void?
That's when my anxiety kicks into high-gear.
"Nothing you do matters. They don't care. They've just been humoring you all along."
I know that's not true.
But as we've already covered, anxiety is not logical at all. The only part about it that *is* logical is when there is direct and clear evidence to prove my anxiety is wrong, and then it shuts the fuck up and goes back to its corner.
But with this silence that I've been getting, my anxiety goes, "Well! We can neither confirm nor deny anything, now, can we? Sucks to be you! You're stuck with me now!"
So. Here's the deal.
I can't afford to be dealing with my anxiety like that. Seriously. I do *not* have the spoons for it.
And before you say, "How bad can it be?" Well, let me explain it in excruciating detail for you.
I take care of two, sometimes three of my brothers. "Care" is a bit of a loose term here because they're all grown-ass adults. Or at least they're supposed to be.
One of them has felonies on his record. It's hard for him to find work, and even harder for him to find housing. He doesn't even try any more and relies on plasma donation for money.
One of them complains about being tired all the time and cannot wear shoes or be on his feet for extended periods of time. He's also over two-hundred pounds overweight. You might say, "Well, that's why he can't be on his feet all the time!" Except there is the shoes part. He can't wear them for long even when he's sitting down. I've already told him flat-out that he needs to get tested for diabetes but he keeps looking at me like I'm an ass hole for insisting on it, never mind that there is a state health care system here that handles shit like that if you have difficulty finding work. He doesn't even try, though, and also relies on plasma donation for money.
Number three is the on-and-off one. He's been spending time with my mom and dad in McAllen - city down by the Texas-Mexico border that Mom and Dad moved to because apparently San Antonio is too noisy. He somehow suffered some kind of spinal injury that makes it difficult for him to even get up and go to the bathroom. Don't ask me why he hasn't gotten an MRI done - everyone keeps saying they're "working on it". Mom and Dad at least send me a bit of money every month to cover his share of the bills, but that's it.
Oh, and I'm stuck helping one of my other brothers pay off the car payment for the Jetta... the one that got wrecked and is now sitting because the frame is bent up such that it's chewing through tires fast enough that it's becoming too expensive for me to keep using it for work.
The insurance company kept trying to tell me it's totaled in accordance to company policy despite Texas State Law stating that a car is only totaled once the cost of repair exceeds the cash value of the vehicle before the accident (and not the "trade-in" value - the law is very succinct in making that distinction clear). The Jetta's Blue Book value was a bit over $8k. Estimates to repair? Between $5.4k to $6k. (Which means even in places where the threshold is 75% of the vehicle's cash value, it still doesn't cross the line into "Totaled".) Told the fuckers to go pound sand. Literally. The stunned silence I got from them on the phone was glorious.
I am the only person here that is gainfully employed here. The one who has the Jetta in their name is attending online classes using his MGIB payout, so he can't help me out any. There is one other who is employed (remember, I've got FIVE brothers, only two/three of them actually live with me), but he blows his money on his girlfriends, and he doesn't live with me so I have no right to tell him what to do with his money.
That's the situation I'm in, and I am barely scraping by because of it.
So instead letting myself be distracted by TNB, I'm going to be taking time out to do things that are more important to my immediate survival. Like making sure I'm maintaining a regular sleep schedule, fixing my cars on my days off, showing up to work early so I can make more money so I can work on fixing my cars on my days off, clean my room so the Hurricane Katrina style mess isn't wearing on my depression so much, and making some medical appointments that I've been putting off because I've been too distracted to focus on that.
For real. The point I'm at right now? Things aren't getting worse.... but they aren't getting any better. And I can't afford to just wait around for things to become "easy". I need to start doing things that will improve my life. Not just the "quality" of my life, but actual, over-all improvements.
And if this project isn't helping me? If it's only being a drag on my mental health? Then it needs to go on a back burner for a while until I legitimately have more free time available that I can comfortably allocate to it. And even then, only if people are willing to interact.
Otherwise? What is even the point of a collaborative project if no one wants to collaborate?
Catch you guys later.