Looking for a beta reader.

[Jinx999]

The additions do fill out the structure at least so it can be called a complete episode with its own introduction, climax, and denouement, but Zorian is still sitting squarely in "Too cool for school" territory for now. Some exploration of why he's so skilled, and so unimpressed with the castle's enchantments that are supposed to some of the biggest feats of magic in the HP world, would probably be good right quick. Establishing where Zorian is in his original plot (I'm assuming post-canon so far) would also be a good idea.

It's post canon, which I thought should have been clear from the comments he made and his and Kirielle's age. Which means that he's at nearly the same level as Dumbledore/Volemort. The problem is that it's from an outside perspective and from that perspective Zorian will come across as a too cool for school punk. Which is what McGonagall thinks he is. In this story, his last attempt to pretend to be a normal schoolboy was such a fiasco that he's had to jump through a gate to another world to disappear for a while. Zach has a plan to fix things. That should scare anyone.

Pity she didn't know about the Room of Requirement to show it off - even Zorian would lose his cool a little at that, and the Transfiguration aspects of how it reconfigures would likely have captured her own interest herself. She's been introducing new students to Hogwar6ts and magic in general for decades, even if she's not a Ravenclaw she surely knows (and knows how to pique) academic curiosity when she sees it. Of course, Zorian is a tough sell even on that front, but only having seen him from outside and in the eyes of a character who isn't familiar with him it's easily believable he's more tempted than he let on. Honestly, I'd expect the first words out of Kirielle's mouth after they arrive to be something along those lines, that she saw how he looked at the shelves in that huge library or something like that.

McGonnagal is capable of true conjuration. To Zorian that is a lost, probably mythical, form of magic that one of his teachers had dedicated her life to try to recover. I just couldn't think of a good way to work it in yet.

“How you hide the huge castle and grounds from everyone.”
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“Look, I’m not twelve. I don’t need a simplified explanation. It doesn’t matter what the

I'm not a super fan of how things jump around in this part, but sometimes you have to do that just to get anywhere. This one only seems to skip over a single line from Minnie though, so it's really not accomplishing anything with that jump cut except a jolt to the sense of immersion.

I couldn't work out how to get in a good line and didn't want to put in a wall of magibabble.

“The unplottable charm is an extremely difficult charm that’s above even NEWT level

I recommend replacing the second "charm" with "spell" here.

peculiarities of the castle. Bot she and Zorian

Both

Those real-word typos are always a pain in the tuchus.

Zorian tuned to McGonagall

turned

Thanks for catching those.

McGonagall watched as the siblings blinked away. She was worried about them, without an adult to look after them. Zorian was far too young to be looking after his sister alone. And without any qualifications, he was not going to be able to get any proper job. Not to mention that he’d run afoul of the Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery. Attending Hogwarts could solve these problems. And hopefully improve his manners.

alone, and

problems, and

Two very good points - why isn't she saying them out loud to Zorian? And letting him side-along his sister away when he's clearly too young to have an apparition license, no matter what he may think of her own perfectly fine and long practiced thank you skills on that subject? He may not be a student and thus not under her authority to discipline but at least warning him that he's breaking the law is certainly within her character, even if wizarding law is not likely to have provisions making it her duty to report such offenses and ministry policy is certainly that no one but DMLE officers should attempt to enforce it.

From a Doylest POV, the problem is that attempting to stop Zorian from leaving to teleport out would have just resulted in him teleporting away from inside Hogwarts. Which would attract too much attention too early. (The wards do not stop House Elves from teleporting or teleporting food into the great hall from the kitchen, and do not block floos or portkeys. They clearly only block the one apportation spell the wizards use). I'll think about how to edit it.