[Story][Season 2]The gas station (finished)

[HRogge]

Your dialogue feels pretty flat, but other then that this is pretty good.

A full hard-tech expedition to Saturn sounds pretty hard-core, given that this is 2017. (I'm not going to apologize for that pun)

Without two reverse engineered systems from the Whole Fenspace Catalog it would have not been possible. But yes, you are right. *G*

I'm liking the reasoning behind it, too.

I already thought about this 'step 2' when I designed the Thor Heyerdahl.

There are three things that're really setting me off though, and one is your terrorists. Judging from the dialogue, they belong to an anti-Dane faction, and seem to be cheery eco-terrorists as well. Launching a strike on a joint-op base like this though... What the hell are they trying to accomplish? Assuming the strike went as planned, killed all fourty astronauts, and destroyed the base, did they think that the ESA and JAXA would just shrug and abandon all future space excercises?

*starting to make notes*

I would say they (the terrorists) are a little bit delusional with their plan.

Yeah, no.

What you're more likely going to see is a political shit-storm the likes of which I can barely even imagine. Fen, Boskone Fen maybe, but Fen nonetheless have attacked a Dane civilian base. Europe's not America, so they probably won't go on the warpath right away. But I'd be willing to bet cash that whatever space-warfare ships, equipment and research they have? That's going to get fast-tracked, yesterday. And that's not even counting what the Patrol is going to get up to. This isn't an actual issue with the story, it's more me being upset that morons with poor planning and little foresight have made it Up and apparently also have the connections to get their hands on advanced weaponry.

Yes, there will be repercussions, but I am still working on the concept where they will be going.

Issue number two, is poor characterisation. I read words, and I now people are saying them, but it feels very stilted and robotic. Ironically, the exocomps feel the most alive. Add to that, the mission barely feels fleshed out. There's fourty astronauts. We don't need fourty characters, but getting to know a couple of them might be nice.

*sigh*

I wish I could say I would disagree, but most likely this 'flattness' is still there. That was what delayed this story over and over again, the feeling that it wasn't 'flowing well'. It was also the reason for this "request for comment" post, because I wasn't sure about it.

Final thing: the mission to Saturn. It's missing a name. I know this seems like the stupidest thing to harp on, but something this big really needs a name. Especialy seeing as it's one of the most absolutely hard-core missions the Dane's have ever attempted. (Couldn't resist. That one I will apologize for.)

Ouch... damned, yes... it needs a name!

Given I got called out on percentage of light speed railguns a little over two weeks ago by M Fnord, I'm calling out this one as well. Yes, it's a Mad's invention and it blew itself up afterwards, but it's still too powerful IMO.

I have expected this post, but there is a little tiny difference in this contribution. Try to calculate the energy of the weapon system if you like, I bet you will not be able to do so (unless I missed something).

It wasn't the "1% lightspeed" that got your cannon called out, it was the "kilotons of TNT per shot".