[Story] Bolostomp

[CattyNebulart]

I like it.

Thank you and thanks for your supportive criticism, it's a big help.

Bolos tend to use all the significant digits they have, which is often many. They tend to not use words like few when they have numbers. Given that its sense of time is not so messed up that it cannot provide that later, it should be able to for the first paragraph.

Hmm for a few uses of few I can see that I should replace it with numbers.

The biggest is that the initiating event seems vague and uncertain.

The initiating even is meant to be a little vague and uncertain. The Bolo is not functioning properly and there is data corruption all over the place. Plus I wanted to keep the nature of the crossover secret for a few paragraphs.

The 'Hell-rail' main weapon seems odd combined with rail gun infinite repeaters. I've heard 'Hell-rail' in an extra canonical context used for a post Hellbore main weapon.

If I recall my Bolo lore right Hellrails are meant for shooting down starships, and by the time Hellrail equiped Bolo's show up their infinite repeaters are Hellbores. However I had a background reason for keeping railguns around, magical shield seem to be weak against physical impacts in Nanoha cannon. Railguns work by physical impact.

The notion of an ejectable personality core seems odd, given that I am more used to Bolos fighting to the bitter end from their sometimes damaged survival center buried in the center of the armor.

I vaguely recall one story where the Bolo ejected their survival center.

I also find the memory storage confusing, given what I remember about how a Bolo's Holographic memory is supposed to work. (I can see how it supports the thrust of the story.)

I have not found the computer architecture in the Bolo stories all that consistent, so I made something up that seemed reasonable.

I'm not sure about 'linker shadow', what it is, or if it is supposed to be written that way.

Not surprising since the physics behind an AMF field are not explored in great detail. We know that having a spell around a spell will let the inner spell penetrate deeper into the AMF, I reasoned that a mage with a barrier jacket while casting a spell would have a similar area behind them, like an antenna casting a shadow in the radio waves passing by it. I saw no way to integrate it without it being an infodump though.

Anyway, the viewpoint character dies like a bolo, but the voice sounds a bit funny, and the technical flavor tastes a bit off.

As noted I'm not entirely happy with the ending, it feels rushed but I am not sure how to avoid it without lots and lots of exposition.

I'm also puzzled as to how both Signum and Ifrit survived intact to such a degree if Belkia-Mid was the same as Concordiat-Melcon. I mean, if their last assignment was together, how do they end up seperated so that they can't reunite?

Well Signum was nomed by the book of darkness and her memories of that time are a little garbled.Keep in mind that Signum didn't so much survive as respawn, or even restored from backup. Who knows how or why Outpost #723 fell, maybe Midchilda nuked it, maybe the Book of Darkness killed the planet as it supposedly went around doing for centuries.

I'm also wondering if it might not be better for Ifrit to instead key off of Raging Heart as a Enemy built device, and then to, at the end, react to Signum having some sort of semi-functioning Commender's implant embedded in her.

Maybe, I will take a second stab at the ending and see if I can salvage anything.

Probably any near canon TSAB would find it needful to destroy the Bolo, so it may be best for the Bolo to die. That said, I am sticking Bolo/Wolkenritter in the ol' idea box for use in less strictly canon cases.

They accepted Rein, who granted is a bit smaller and lighter and doesn't have the whole mass weapon thing... but still, you could justify it. It's probably easier to do post Strikers though since Mid moves back a bit on mass weaponry then.

Anyway, I enjoyed it, I still seem to be stuck in methodical hypercritical mode from working with technical writing.

Thanks, I appreciate it. This was very helpful.
E: "Did they... did they just endorse the combination of the JSDF and US Army by showing them as two lesbian lolicons moving in together and holding hands and talking about how 'intimate' they were?"
B: "Have you forgotten so soon? They're phasing out Don't Ask, Don't Tell."