[RFC] Being You is Deculture

[classicdrogn]

Oh, you know I've been waiting for this. Now it's finally here, and to celebrate I shall show my love by nitpicking it to death!

Super Dimensional Fortress Macross

This one was in dialogue so it can be excused easily enough, but the title is usually romanized as "Dimension" with no -al, for that extra Engrish appeal.

Or, I could play it off like I'd been around all along. Besides, if I had a feeling that there was a passport in one of my cargo pockets that would help solidify any and all claims of citizenship.

should get rid of the "if"

Tap-tap-tap-tap...tap...tap...tap-tap-tap.

While I can see what you meant, this would probably be better rendered as tap-tap-tap tap ... tap ... tap tap-tap-tap, both for clarity and to avoid getting auto-filtered out on sites that cull URLs like FFn. I don't know if you plan on posting there, but with the way things have been going I wouldn't put it past tapasuck either.

"I don't think that's gonna be an issue for a while. With just the three of us in this big space I think our oxygen supply will last a while. Besides, this space was open to vacuum earlier. I think the life support systems in this area are working just fine if the air pressure was maintained.

I suggest "The life support systems in this area must be working just fine since air pressure was restored." Again, dialogue, your SI character, but it makes more sense that way. During the arrival event, you could also mention pain in Garrik's ears from the sudden pressure drop, and hope that they won't burst because being deaf would suck even if it would be temporary until Katherine healed him back up.

In return, I learned about Hikaru’s family, which operated a flying circus. I knew about the circus, but I just didn't know what all that entailed.
Parachutists, wing walkers, aerobatics, hot air balloons, antique planes... it was basically an airshow on crack. It sounded like a complete blast.

You've either got an extra carriage return in there, or are missing one. Also I agree, I want to see the Ichijyo Flying Circus too. Landing with them would make an interesting insertion point pre-series, while getting into the first episode mess could be justified by one of the parents-uncle-pseudo-adopters-whatever-I-forget telling the SI to shadow Hikaru's plane to South Ataria Island for the event to keep him from pulling some damn fool stunt like he always does... with about the results you'd expect.

"Damn. Okay, let's try the next one." The last two had been something that looked like giant pistols and then the space suits mentioned earlier. Both useless to us because we couldn't even lift the things.

Shouldn't Garrick be able to budge them along if he needed to, maybe prop one up somewhere to fire if needed? He would of course not want to show that off, but might include it in the narration. With the way the things are shaped, it might even be possible to just roll them along on their side like a wheel, at which point even Minmei could probably provide meaningful amounts of help in directing it. Hooray for simple machines!

... that might even be intentional, since the Protoculture were human-sized and even the Zentran may be micloned if it's needed for some reason, like cleaning the cosmoline out of the crannies on a space gun that's been in storage for a few dozen thousands of years.

With the food issue resolved, all that left was water. I fixed it by carving a small hole in a fresh water pipe in the nearby corridor with my file. That gave us drinking and washing water. We weren't worried about flooding since it all seemed to drain away somewhere. Hopefully it wasn't messing anything up.

We used Hikaru's parachute to pitch a tent. It was my idea to make pitch it against the big window so we could sleep by the stars. The window was a bit cool, but not freezing. By the second day I found a way to control the light level in the room and that really added to the effect.

Later on when the SDF-1 was about to dickpunch Kamujin's cruiser with an assault ship full of destroids, the shoulder joint shorted out and locked up. Good job breaking it hero! In the meantime, though, you have an extra "pitch" in there.

Of course, you do actually address the first part a few lines later. Spoil my joke, why don't you? Grr.

So while utterly bland tasting, Zentraedi ration bars are probably top-shelf stuff otherwise.

That just means you use the little bottle of hot sauce! Poke around in the locker some more, it's not a rat-pack without one, and a single bottle should be enough to supply an entire restaurant for a year. The Macross might even get permitted to loiter in the American southwest for a while if you can bribe them with alien hot sauce strong enough for a man fifteen feet tall!

On to the next story post!

"Hah! Kid, this is entirely different. For one thing, you're going to be a pilot, which means you'll get a little more leeway around here. Of course, rank does help, but around here people tend to advance fast."

sould cut the first "around here," though again, it's dialogue.

Roy sighed. "Okay, I guess that's all I'm gonna get out of you for now. But really Hikaru, think about it. Even if you do fix your racer it's not like you'll be able to fly it around out here."

I get what you mean, (fly it around) (out here) but it would probably be better without the "around."

Then there was the bonus factor in that I knew what was coming. For sure, there was the butterfly affect and temporal momentum, but I wasn't going to give it too much thought.

--
"Anko, what you do in your free time is your own choice. Use it wisely. And if you do not use it wisely, make sure you thoroughly enjoy whatever unwise thing you are doing." - HymnOfRagnorok as Orochimaru at SpaceBattles
woot Med. Eng., verb, 1st & 3rd pers. prsnt. sg. know, knows