[OOC][PLOT][ARC 1] Planning for Season 1 - The Retcon

[Labster]

Looking good, even despite - or because of - the swings in the mood of the interview. I think you have the interviewers in character, and there's a good amount of overall plot information delivered in the scene.

If anything is too swingy, let me know.  Keeping in character was easy.  Once I wrote that line, "Safety's such a dope," it became a guiding star because they're both dopes in entirely different ways.  I also knew it would take forever to get any plot information out of them, because telling the story of Momotaro in canon took them what, 10 hours?

Also let me know if the "desu no" gets too annoying in English.  The lampshade helps, I'm sure.  I tried to avoid it where another Japanese particle would go -- particularly in questions.  I don't know that anyone would notice it, but it's kind of a thing I do.  I was doing some manga scanlation with BlackAeronaut and I ended up reading Japanese, Spanish, and Ancient Greek in that project.  (I'm not sure we'll ever release it because we lost our typesetter before our first release :'( )

In any case, I decided to read the entire first story last night, and it's good!  I enjoyed it, at least.  The flow seemed reasonable. I think we had an overall theme of busyness and things happening all at once, while the longer sections allow you to focus on one or two characters.  That means the longer sections that focus on the SIs and other managers are important, both for narrative flow and giving readers a POV character.  In any case, it's more complete than it seems, and I agree the end does seem like a good stopping point.

The change to first person in Kestrel's text was more jarring than I expected. I'm tempted to see if I can rewrite it into third person without too many changes.  Has anyone tried sending Kestrel an email?  The reference to Lucifer is a little wrong here too, unless we're using the version of Lucifer from The Sandman or the related TV series (which I haven't seen).  The Endless are another complication, though I confess wouldn't be too awful to have C&A!Satan, DC!Lucifer and AMG!Hild hanging out at an LA nightclub.  For me as a writer.  As an SI, yikes!

And minor comments on an old story:
Kuroko's reaction was unexpected. "Inter-city teleportation! Level 5!" Rob didn't know a grin could get that big.

This is a little obtuse.  Is she claiming to have done it herself?

SYSADMIN> They're getting a psychic echo from the first group that was brought into this universe.

Believe it or not it seems a little less obvious that Tenchi Muyo is the first group now that everything else is going on, and they aren't the stars of the first story*.  Possibly that will get better once we write more of their scenes, but we should watch out for that.