Looks good.
I'd want to be sure people understood the organisations, and abbreviations. "ESA" is obviously "European Space Agency", and JAXA the "Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency" - it might be a good idea to put the full names, once, before using the abbreviations in the rest of the story. Also CI as "Catgirl Industries".
I assume "Green Fist" is an activist environment organisation, the sort with no sense of proportion. I've not seen it in the Fenspace organisations list, so a brief write-up might be helpful to people.
The dialog between the bad guys about the ISV operation reads a bit rough. I'd suggest you make it a bit clearer who is saying what, and maybe characterise the two apart from the green-haired woman. Sitting so their face is in shadow, characteristic or very bland clothing, strange equipment, anything really. Molerat shoulder pets that sniff out handwavium for them...
Apart from that it all seems to flow pretty well. I'd like a little bit from a named catgirl about the new arrivals, if you think it'd make sense to slot that in. Maybe about the need to maintain professionalism around them? Do Catgirl Industries have a nominated liason officer?
--
"It is the business of the future to be dangerous" - Hawkwind
I'd want to be sure people understood the organisations, and abbreviations. "ESA" is obviously "European Space Agency", and JAXA the "Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency" - it might be a good idea to put the full names, once, before using the abbreviations in the rest of the story. Also CI as "Catgirl Industries".
I assume "Green Fist" is an activist environment organisation, the sort with no sense of proportion. I've not seen it in the Fenspace organisations list, so a brief write-up might be helpful to people.
The dialog between the bad guys about the ISV operation reads a bit rough. I'd suggest you make it a bit clearer who is saying what, and maybe characterise the two apart from the green-haired woman. Sitting so their face is in shadow, characteristic or very bland clothing, strange equipment, anything really. Molerat shoulder pets that sniff out handwavium for them...
Apart from that it all seems to flow pretty well. I'd like a little bit from a named catgirl about the new arrivals, if you think it'd make sense to slot that in. Maybe about the need to maintain professionalism around them? Do Catgirl Industries have a nominated liason officer?
--
"It is the business of the future to be dangerous" - Hawkwind