Paragon TV

[OpMegs]

The following programming is rated for all audiences and is not remotely canon in any way shape or form.
*Click*
[MANTICORE is chained and presented before LORD RECLUSE and the PATRONS in his throne room]
RECLUSE: How do I know you're not from CONTROL?
MANTICORE: If I was from CONTROL, you'd already be dead.
RECLUSE: If you were from CONTROL, you'd already be dead.
MANTICORE: Neither of us is dead, so obviously I'm not from CONTROL.
BLACK SCORPION: ....that actually makes sense.
[Other PATRONS look at SCORPION with '...you're kidding me' expressions]
*Click*
[SELL-SWORD is currently pointing his rifle between LADY NOGITSUNE and GENAU'GOEG]
GEN: Fox season! *points rifle at Nogi*
NOGI: Dragon season. *points rifle back*
GEN: Fox season!
NOGI: Dragon season!
GEN: Fox season!
NOGI: Fox season! *rotates rifle back to herself*
GEN: *pulls rifle back towards herself* Dragon season, fire!
*BOOM*
[Smoke clears, revealing the formerly blue Gen to now be black with soot and glaring at Nogi]
GEN: You're desssspicable.
*Click*
CHORUS: Up in the sky, coming at you! A herooooo of metal hue! He locks horns with disaster for the red and white and blue!
[CITADEL flies through the sky, carrying STATESMAN's cape, and beating up on FIFTH COLUMN MEK MEN, VAMPYR, and WAR WOLVES.]
CHORUS: Then was born a boy robot! Miracle of science!
[Cut to CYBERMAN 8 under construction]
CHORUS: Pre-designed to fight large monsters!
[CYBERMAN 8 kicks BABBAGE in the kneecap]
CHORUS: Super-charged and quick on the draw!
[CYBERMAN 8 continues unloading martial arts moves into Babbage's leg with...no apparent effect]
CHORUS: Pretty darn good buuuut he needs help from Big Guy! They're a great team!
[BABBAGE is bowled over by a blast of energy from CITADEL as CYBERMAN 8 keeps the Clockwork distracted]
CHORUS: The boy robot lives his dream!
[Shot of CITADEL and CYBERMAN 8 on top of BABBAGE's prone body]
CHORUS: To be a legend in history! The Big Guy and Rusty!
[Title splash]
*Click*
[Scene: Stage of a talk show. GAMMA EMISSION and TERRENCE KNIGHT are already sitting on chairs as the host looks at the camera]
JERRY: And today, it seems we have a disagreement between these two. Terrence thinks that Lisa is cheating on him with someone she rescued! Well, let's bring her out. Here's Rhea!
[EMERALD BLAST steps out in her clubbing outfit, walks over and sits down on GAMMA's lap to TERRENCE's astonishment and lays one on the lips.]
Crowd: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
*Click*
[WILLIAM BISHOP III in a business suit is facing several PORTAL CORP EXECUTIVES]
BISHOP: So, would you three be 'portals_R_us_5934', 'interdimensinul_hotty', and 'praetorians_or_bust'?
[The executives look around confused but nod]
BISHOP: So this webchat is from you three then:
"Hey, let's send the next hero to that world where the telepath makes them think they wiped out the human race."
"Oh, that'd be hilarious. Wrong, but hilarious."
"I can't say I disapprove. Just make sure you tape it so the rest of us can see."
"It never gets old. They ALWAYS believe it off the bat."
[Executives start making various excuses]
BISHOP: You're aware that's emotional harrassment? You see, I'm William Bishop III, and this is "To Catch a Jackass."
*Click*
[Commercial Break]
ANNOUNCER: Next time on Jerry Springer....
JERRY: So, what you're saying is that you befriended this woman, romanced her, and then slept with her....all without her knowing you were an alien spy?
INYME: ....that's the point of being a SPY.
CROWD: BITCH! BITCH! BITCH! BITCH! BITCH!
*Click*
[Credits go up on ICEY CHEF]
JACKIE FROST: Now, you add the cucumber just so...season with a little oregano, oil, boil for ten minutes, and BAM! a little garlic. BAM! A little more pepper. BAM! A little of my special sauce....
*Click*
[Lights go up on stage as TERRENCE, EMET, MAG FLASHLIGHT, and THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL]
TERR: Young man! There's no need to feel down!
EMET: Young man! Pull yourself off the ground!
MAG: Young man! You're in a new town!
LINCOLN: There's no need to be unhappy!
TERR: Young man! There's a place you can go!
EMET: I said, young man! When you're short on the dough!
MAG: You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find...
LINCOLN: Maaaany ways to have a good time!
ALL: It's fun to stay at the Y! M! C! A! It's fun to stay at the Y! M! C! A!
TERR: You can get yourself cleaned!
EMET: You can have a good meal!
MAG: You can do whatever you feel!
[Cut to titles: The VILLAGE TANKS]
*Click*
[KNIGHT SABRES bounce from every rooftop in intricately choreographed patterns]
CHORUS: Theeeeey've got...a power and a force that you've never seen before!
[STREET SABRE and DANCE SABRE whirl through a gang of CREY RIOT GUARDS, bashing their way through]
CHORUS: Theeeeey've got...the ability to fight and even up the score!
[NET SABRE and NANO SABRE blast thugs from a distance with lightning and dark bolts]
CHORUS: Noooooo one....will ever keep them down! The power lies on their siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide!
[All SABRES pose on top of building]
CHORUS: Go go Sabre Rangers! Whoa-o-oh! Go go Sabre Rangers! You mighty, warpin' Sabre Rangers!
*Click*
[HRO'DTOHZ is looking through a portal with a telescope]
HRO'DTHOZ: Missing presence: Kaboom(Earth Shattering)? Presence: imperative, Kaboom(Earth Shattering).
[FUSIONETTE walks up behind him.]
FUSIONETTE: Ehhhhh, what's up doc?
*Click*
---
"Oh, silver blade, forged in the depths of the beyond. Heed my summons and purge those who stand in my way. Lay
waste."

[Sweno]

this is wrong, so wrong.

why am I laughing?
-Terry
-----
"so listen up boy, or pornography starring your mother will be the second worst thing to happen to you today"
TF2: Spy

[Sofaspud]

*Click*
[End commercial break, 1-second wipe from Mr. Whiskers Power Hour splash]
[MR. WHISKERS and NEKO are perched on a rooftop overlooking an alley.  Down below, agents of E.V.I.L. are breaking into a warehouse.]
MR. WHISKERS: Thanks for coming, Neko.  We've got to stop them before they get inside!
NEKO: Ready when you are, Whiskers.
MR. WHISKERS: Let's go!
[MR. WHISKERS starts glowing green and leaps off the rooftop.  NEKO follows.]
NEKO: MegaNeko, GO!
[Begin MEGANEKO transformation sequence]
*Click*
(Good grief, this is too funny, Ops.  Great stuff.  I had to chime in. ))

--sofaspud
--"Listening to your kid is the audio equivalent of a Salvador Dali painting, Spud." --OpMegs

[Matrix Dragon]

... My lungs just imploded from laughing too hard. Well done.

[Wiregeek]

Y-M-C-WHAT?!

awesome.

we need a base AI we can blame this sort of thing on..
"No can brain today. Want cheezeburger."
From NGE: Nobody Dies, by Gregg Landsman
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579457/1/NGE_Nobody_Dies

[Acyl]

Wiredgeek wrote:

---

Y-M-C-WHAT?!




awesome.




we need a base AI we can blame this sort of thing on..

Say, that's right...I forgot...Atlantea and I suggested that as a character concept some time ago, when we first put that new super-keen looking
computer in the base. I think Valles called dibs on it.

What happened? Are you still playing that, V?
-- Acyl

[Foxboy]

Actually, we can blame these on a redside contact: the Television.
''We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat
them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.''

-- James Nicoll

[Sofaspud]

I don't -know- that it's a female AI, but supposing it is, and given how, er, well a certain someone interacts with women as-is, I can see it now:

COMPUTER: Daaaisy, daaaiiisssyy...

TERRENCE: Oh, knock it off, we both know you're not that dumb. Now, for the last time, what'd you do with those photos?

COMPUTER: *teasingly* You really don't want me to tell you.

TERRENCE: *growling* You'd better, or I'll start smashing things.

COMPUTER: *flashes an image of a cute girl on the main screen, who puts on glasses* You wouldn't hit a girl with glasses, would you?

TERRENCE: Photos. -Now-.

COMPUTER: I got Rhea's permission first...

TERRENCE: ARRRRGH! *stomps off*

COMPUTER: I like him, he's cute when he's angry.

PURRFECT ARCHER: *rises from behind a workstation* So, um... what'd you DO with the pictures, anyway?

COMPUTER: Nothing. But it's fun poking Terrence.

ARCHER: ... point.

--sofaspud
--"Listening to your kid is the audio equivalent of a Salvador Dali painting, Spud." --OpMegs

[Bob Schroeck]

You know, the other patrons of "How You Brewin'" are now looking at me funny.

Now I gotta think of something for Evangelia.
-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[Ebony]

[CLICK]

When criminals in this world appear,

And break the laws that they should fear,

And frighten all who see or hear,

The cry goes up both far and near for

Numero,

Numero,

Numero,

Numero.

Kick of lightning, fist of thunder,

Fighting all who rob or plunder

Numero, Numero.

When in this world the headlines read

Of those who's hearts are filled with greed

And rob and steal from those in need.

To right this wrong with blinding speed goes

Numero,

Numero,

Numero,

Numero.

Kick of lightning, fist of thunder,

Fighting all who rob or plunder

Numero, Numero.

(Numero Catorce: "I don't think I authorized this with my agent.")
Ebony the Black Dragon
http://ebony14.livejournal.com

"Good night, and may the Good Lord take a Viking to you."

[Ankhani]

Continuing with with the Manticore and Recluse Scene:
[MANTICORE, unchained, turns upon RECLUSE, wielding Bow and Arrow]
MANTICORE: Hold it right there, Recluse. In thirty second this place is going to be swarmed with the entire Freedom Phalanx!
RECLUSE: You're bluffing.
MANTICORE: Would you believe Fusionette and Faultline?
[RECLUSE frowns]
MANTICORE: ...An angry hellion?
*CLICK*
---

The Master said: "It is all in vain! I have never yet seen a man who can perceive his own faults and bring the charge home against himself."

>Analects: Book V, Chaper XXVI

[Wiregeek]

*click*

[Fade from black to an emotionless CLANK PATROL, overlooking a crumpled Hellion. Pull back to a jumpsuited DR. AEON standing next to him, with a smirking LADY NOGITSUNE behind the DR. LADY NOGITSUNE is wearing a nearly translucent white business shirt, with the top two buttons open, and black slacks. She is carrying a boxy attache case. Aeon is wearing a lab coat and has goggles on his face.]

Clank Patrol: Well, Doc, looks like our DB here fell from the 37th floor landing while attempting to break into the air duct leading to the hotel's vault.

[DR. AEON steps forward, looking down at the body as he pulls a pair of sunglasses out of his pocket.]

Aeon: Well, it looks like he shouldn't have.

[DR. AEON opens the sunglasses]

Aeon: Gotten high.

[DR. AEON puts the sunglasses on over his goggles]

Aeon: On the job.

[Flash-cut to aerial camera swooping over sandy Rogue Isles beach, matched to initial vocal from opening theme] YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.
"No can brain today. Want cheezeburger."
From NGE: Nobody Dies, by Gregg Landsman
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579457/1/NGE_Nobody_Dies

[Ebony]

It's just my opinion, but I think Arbiter Sands would do a better Caruso than Dr. Aeon.
Ebony the Black Dragon
http://ebony14.livejournal.com

"Good night, and may the Good Lord take a Viking to you."

[Sofaspud]

*Click*
[Pan over a battle scene, an abandoned lot in King's Row.  A costumed hero, impossible to identify at this height/angle, hurls a streetlamp at a group of Clockwork]
ANNOUNCER (V.O.): Every minute of every day, a crime is being committed in Paragon City.
[Slow zoom on a construction site in Faultline, where another hero flings a group of Lost high into the air without touching them; debris tags along for the ride, and all crash down in a heap.  Close zoom in on Lost, who appear unconscious amidst the wreckage.]
ANNOUNCER (V.O.): And our heroes, the city's saviors, are part of the problem.
[Hand-held cam follows a hero from about a block away as a pack of Vahzilok erupt from an alley in pursuit.  HERO pauses, concentrating, and opens a portal which belches out a wrecked car, which he then hurls at the Vahz, crushing them.  HERO turns and walks away, whistling.]
ANNOUNCER (V.O.): Litter.  It's everybody's problem.  Please help make Paragon City a safe and clean place again.
[Cut to splash showing phone number and website for the Litter Hotline]
FAST-PACED ANNOUNCER: Paid for by the Citizens For A Pristine Paragon.
*Click*

--sofaspud
--"Listening to your kid is the audio equivalent of a Salvador Dali painting, Spud." --OpMegs

[Render]

*Click*

Hey, Manti, watch me pull a Rikti out of my hat!

Aw, that trick never works!

[Ominous hummmm]

Uh-oh.

*Click*

[Foxboy]

*Click*
ANNOUNCER: New for 2008 at City of Gyros!
Image of a tasty sandwich in slow pan.
ANNOUNCER: The Herodotus, twenty-four inch-long gyro! For a limited time with Rikti Potato salad!
STEREOTYPICAL RIKTI VOICE: Side dish status: Tasty!
*Click*
''We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat
them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.''

-- James Nicoll

[Rev Dark]

JACKIE FROST: Now, you add the cucumber just so...season with a little oregano, oil, boil for ten minutes, and BAM! a little garlic. BAM! A little more pepper.
BAM! A little of my special sauce....

CUT! CUT1 CUT! Jackie! You are not allowed to do that with Mr. Ramsay on live TV... The FCC is going to shut us down... You can't do that with a cucumber
on national television... There's no way we can explain this is as a wardrobe malfunction.

BLEEP! BLEEEP! You BLEEP BLEEP Muppets! She wasn't BLEEP! BLEEP! finished!

** Click ***

Today on Jackass Paragon!

"Hey Steve, so you going to moon that Vahz"

"Yep. Here we go."

"Hey! What's up doc! Aiigggh! Oh Crap! Aiighh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! The Pain! The Pain! He's sawing my ass off! Aiigggh!"

"Oh shit! They cut Steve's ass off!"

"Hey.. is he... He's wearing it like a hat!"

"Pretty good dancer to."

** Click **

"Welcome to PWNED, Paragon's woman on the street comedy sensation. Today we're taking to the streets of Atlas with a box of purses and some high
explosive grenades."

Benny Hill theme Yakkety Sax plays as a series of Hellions, snatch purses and run away, only to explode moments later. A few half naked-women wave and bounce
for not good reason.

**Click**

[firvulag]

--

50 Things Hexane has learned since joining the Infamous

Number 12: Minuet's pigtails are not detachable.

[Sofaspud]

Firvulag? You win the thread.

Wow. Very spiff.

--sofaspud
--"Listening to your kid is the audio equivalent of a Salvador Dali painting, Spud." --OpMegs

[Wiregeek]

*jaw drops*

*applauds*
"No can brain today. Want cheezeburger."
From NGE: Nobody Dies, by Gregg Landsman
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579457/1/NGE_Nobody_Dies

[Rev Dark]

Well done indeed.

Shayne

[Sweno]

*claps*

That, sir, is win in picture form.

well done.
-Terry
-----
"so listen up boy, or pornography starring your mother will be the second worst thing to happen to you today"
TF2: Spy

[Foxboy]

Kawaii/Kowai indeed
''We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat
them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.''

-- James Nicoll

[ElectroEagle]

**click**



And welcome back to Arachnos style Junkyard Wars!

Now that our 2 teams have finished building war robots using the Warburg junkyard,

It's time to test them out! TechHead's bot will be sent to the east end of

Skyway City while Clank Patrol's bot will be sent to the west end.

They will head toward each other causing as much destruction as possible until destroyed.

The one that functions the longest will be declared the winner!

**click**

[Wiregeek]

**Click**

The MYTHBUSTERS cast is standing on the hardwood floor of the dojo room in The Legendary's base. Behind them is a shape wrapped in a tarpaulin, occasionally wobbling. Out of focus behind them is a set of bleachers with multiple people in them.

JAMIE: Well, Adam, this is a little outside of our normal practices, but you've gotten this authorized with the PPD and the management of The Legendary, so we'll just.. give it a try.

ADAM: Jamie, don't be a butt. I talked to Lora'Lai, The Legendary's manager and PR contact, personally, and she gave this a VERY enthusiastic approval.

KARI: Jamie, I have to agree with Adam, this is supported both by the management and membership of The Legendary, and they are being kind enough to host this episode

JAMIE: Well, alright Kari. Let's proceed with the testing for the Conservation of Momentum In Portals

KARI: Or as our Paragon submitters call it, the 'Speedy Thing' theory

ADAM: And we'll be able, using only a portable portal generator, a concrete wall, a catapult, and this secret ingredient, to test this myth.

ADAM: I also have to thank the folks at Portal Corps, who provided the portal generator, and a teleport suppression device. Buster couldn't make it, so we're using a local named 'Dark Pooky', heh. He's been fitted with a supression device which keeps his mind fuzzed enough that he can't teleport.

KARI: And doesn't keep his eyes above my collarbones, no matter how high we turn it up.

VO: After the break, we'll see what happens, when our substitute Buster meets the hard laws of portal physics.

**Click**
"No can brain today. Want cheezeburger."
From NGE: Nobody Dies, by Gregg Landsman
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579457/1/NGE_Nobody_Dies