Despite its edging into grim-dark territory (suicide triggers, ahoy!), Doing It Right The First Time has some seriously wacky, cracktastic moments...
And this...
Seriously, just go read this thing.
Quote:"Rei, there's a weapon locker a hundred metres to the north of your position," said Misato.
"Thank you for the thought, Captain, but that will not be necessary." The comms window wasn't particularly high-resolution, but Misato could still make out an unholy gleam in the blue-haired girl's eyes. "I would prefer to solve this problem in a more... hands-on fashion."
"Rei, I really don't think that's a good idea!"
"Excuse me, Captain, I have an Angel to kill." The picture disappeared.
Misato just sighed. "This is not going to end... Holy shit."
"I'm not wild about her methods," Ritsuko agreed, "but I can't argue with her results. I wonder if they even have reproductive organs there?"
"If they do, I'm actually feeling a little sorry for the Angel. And either way, it definitely has kneecaps. Well, one kneecap and thousands of tiny floating bones where the other one used to be, anyway... Oh for fucksake. Rei, that was someone's apartment you just redecorated with the Angel's face! If we get sued for that it's coming out of your pay! And what the hell are you-?" The whole Geofront shook. "Okay, now you're just showing off."
"I didn't know she was into professional wrestling," Maya added.
"Actually, I think she got that one from Final Fantasy. Rei, will you please put the Angel out of its misery now? Toying with it like this is really unprofessional and kind of creepy."
"Understood, Captain. My apologies. I may have been... excessively zealous in following Ritsuko-san's advice to take my feelings towards Commander Ikari out on the enemy." There was a horrible squelching noise, clearly audible even over the comms. "Angel neutralised."
Misato sighed. "I'm signing her up for anger-management classes."
Meanwhile, outside Shelter 322B, Shinji watched as Unit-00 wiped the blade of its Progressive Knife clean on the Angel's hide. "Well," he said to himself, "that... happened."
And this...
Quote:The slip of paper fell from her nerveless fingers as Ritsuko fell to her knees. "Sempai! Sempai, what's wrong?"
"I have a sister," Ritsuko almost whispered. "I have a sister, and I'm helping Gendo turn her into... Oh, God." She burst into tears.
"I don't understand."
"Look!" Ritsuko grabbed the printout and thrust it towards the younger girl. "Read the results. They still had Mom's DNA profile in the records. She must've had an egg left over from the MAGI, and... Oh, fucking hell. She was sleeping with him. She must have been. Why else would she do this? She was trying to baby trap Gendo. Who was cheating on me. With my own mother!" she screamed. "I am going to murder him! Mother of God, I've dated some really lousy men over the years but this is a goddam record. I give up. I really do. You wanna be my torrid lesbian rebound fling?"
"Yes!" Maya squeaked, before she could stop herself, then clapped both hands over her mouth in horror.
This had the effect of shocking Ritsuko out of her steadily increasing hysteria. "Uh... We never had that conversation, okay? And on a totally unrelated note, meet me after your shift finishes and we'll go for a completely platonic drink somewhere, because I could really use some company." She stood up. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go and have a talk with Rei."
Maya stared after her boss and formerly-secret crush as she disappeared down the corridor. "What the hell just happened?"
Seriously, just go read this thing.