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The Jounin was well enough that he accompanied Tazuna all day but didnt help with the bridgework. Naruto told his teammates that hed take a short nap and join them at the bridge to practice. He fell asleep with a smile at how nice this mission was turning out to be. He woke up when he heard Tsunami scream.
It startled him awake instantly. That wasnt a playful scream or a happy scream. It had been fearful, scared.

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• XKCD #1288
  
• FoxReplace for Firefox

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So we need to find her a dating agency that offers sane, well-groomed, non-jerky Demi-Gods that dont object to playing second-fiddle to strong-willed feminist Slayer/Old-One cross-breeds? Buffy stated. Tall order she noted.
Illyria sighed. It may be a /very/ long time before I have grandchildren she agreed.
Must be nice to be immortal so thats not a problem Buffy responded.
Doesnt suck Illyria agreed.

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Now, hold on, he said reasonably. I realize that youre both mad at me, and you have every right to be. But you should also keep in mind that youre just as much to blame for this as I am. They both hissed at him. Think about it, Harry continued quickly. If you two werent so obsessed with one-upping each other, then you would have told me to go stuff myself when I was trying to trick you into humiliating each other, and you never would have been here.
Their eyes flickered uncertainly as they contemplated that. Look at yourselves, he pressed on, Youre the smartest witches in the school, but youve been acting like complete idiots. You stood up the Ministry together, you even saved each others lives when we fought the Death Eaters last year, but you still act like wet cats in a sack whenever youre in the same room. Its stupid, and frankly it was starting to get on my nerves. I tried getting you to cooperate last year, and we all saw how well that worked out, so I figured that if you really wanted to fight each other, then I might as well let you have at it.
That was total bullshit, of course. Hed just wanted to see them rolling around naked in the mud. But it sounded good, and if they actually did learn a lesson from this, all the better.

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21. And Invisble Man created big fishies, which wuz like big caws, except they not mooed, and other stuffs that gives the mooves, n Invisible Man wuz plezed.
22. And Invisible Man sented them std::greetings, and stuff, so letz u be happy and stuff.
23. And so teh evning n the morning of the fifth day
24. And Invisible Man sayed, letz there me moar living stuff, mooes, and creepz, and otehr animuls, so tehre.
25. And Invisible Man doed moar living stuff, mooes, and creepies, and otehr animuls, and did not eated tehm.
26. And Invisible Man sayed, letz us do min like uz, becuz we is teh cute, n let min has dominion and stuff.
27. So Invisible Man createded min and womin, min an womin wuz created, but he did not eated tehm.
28. And Invisible Man sented them std::greetings, so teh fornicate and teh multiplyers, and haz teh dominion on teh waterz, no waterz and the firmmint, and every thingz and stuff.
29. And Invisible Man sayed, Yo, Beholdt, I has the earths, I has it, and I has not eated it.
30. For evry createded stuff tehre are the foodz, to the burdies, the creepiez, and the mooes, so tehre.
31. And Invisible Man sawed that he is teh Min, and, Beholdt, teh good enouf for releaze as version 0.8a. kthx bai.

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Brian looked over at Fred (his Phoenix One wizard buddy), who already had one hand on his broom.
Coming? Fred asked.
Brian shook his head as he turned the laser pointer on. With all the smokenow shooyou'll be in charge at the rendezvous point.
Fred nodded and patted Brian's shoulder. Keep your head low, he said, before jumping onto his broom. He then swooped down to the South, away from the Death Eaters and over the backyards of Little Wiz towards the prearranged meeting point.
Meanwhile, Brian looked down the street towards the pack of Death Eaters that was too arrogant (or too stupid) to spread out. He aimed his laser beam at a pointy hat within the crowd and voiced an authorization code into his transmitter.
One-hundred and thirty kilometers away, within an unmarked warehouse on a nearly abandoned airbase, an RAF pilot on loan to MI-5 toggled cross-hairs over a bright red spot and pushed a button on his computer joystick. He watched his LCD display with satisfaction as a five-hundred pound laser-guided bomb cleared the struts of a remote-controlled drone aircraft that had been circling Little Whinging and started it's fifty-thousand foot descent.
Following a long-standing tradition of aircraft bombers and artillery men, the bomb casing exterior had short, hand-written messages for the intended targets. One side said Don't Mess with Muggles, while the other was a tad blunter:
Hocus Poke This Up Your Arse!

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A loud alarm sounded in the cabin and the Commander floated over to a console. He frowned and activated his microphone.
Houston, Atlantis, we show an object coming up from astern, distance 100 nautical miles and closing at 600 mph.
Atlantis, Houston. We not showing anything on our scope here.
Houston, Atlantis, activating rear cameras. Stand by for video feed.
Roger.
There was a moment of silence as everyone examined the monitors in growing confusion.
Houston, Commander McMonagle here. Have the Russians started skimping on their MIR program?
Atlantis, say again.
Houston, we're being overtaken by a lawn chair, came the sardonic reply. We can see it clearly in the telephoto view.
The speakers remained silent for a few minutes.
Atlantis, our experts down here don't agree with your assessment. They don't think it's a Russia lawn chair. Perhaps it's Chinese.
Commander McMonagle looked at shuttle pilot Curtis Brown and shook his head. Who knew NASA has experts on lawn chairs?

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"And speaking of insertion, what's this about anal probing? Because I don't care what you've heard, that's at least the second date with me"

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Fourteen - Highlander
There can be only one!
Swordfights: everywhere!

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The Sound ninjas somehow managed to find two teams who had knocked
each other out and so got to the tower with both scrolls. This just
left one little problem...
"That guy" the Chunin pointed to Dosu "is dead."
"It's just chakra depletion!" Kin answered.
"He's dead. I know Zombie no jutsu when I see it."
"No he isn't."
"He's dead. Kicked the bucket. Departed the mortal coil. Joined the
_really_ invisible village. He's EX-nin."
"He's just pining!" Zaku explained as he used ventriloquism to mimic
Dosu saying "I'm fine" and nudging his body with what was left of his
hand. Dosu's head lolled around just like a healthy, not-dead heads
don't.
"You're disqualified. Besides you," he pointed to Zaku "can't fight
anyway."
"Yes I can!"
"What's that then?"
"Just a flesh wound."
"You got no arms left!"
"I've had worse!"
"...You're lying."
"I'M INVINCIBLE!"
Then a giant purple foot smashed the trio.
"We'll just take their scrolls then, OK?" Ikari Shinji asked as he
dismissed his Summon-Evangelion-Boot-To-The-Head no jutsu.
"'kay."

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"Next match... Osaka-san versus Gaara? Didn't he already fight?"
"Can I make sand castles?"
"No."
"Pretty please?"
"No!"
"Ok, I give up then."
"...That was anticlimatic. (koff) Winner: Gaara. Next... Sergeant
Sagara Sousuke and Sasuke again, for some reason we shall blissfully
ignore."
Sagara Sousuke marches to the arena in the Arbalest, which
immediately goes invisible.
"He has a mecha! Not fair!" Naruto cries
"It's a ninja mecha, so it is a valid ninja tool."
"No, I mean, why don't we get mechs?"
"Err..." Hokage sweated. "Look! An obvious distraction!"
"Where?"
"Um, Sasuke can't fight, he's hospitalised." Sakura points out.
"Damn, foiled again!" thought Orochimaru. Then he performed Time Warp no jutsu.

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"A twenty-nine year-old woman having her way with a fourteen year-old boy? This is perversion! This is ephebophilia!"
"Ephebophilia? This is SHOTA!"

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Bet you weren't expecting Kakashi!
Nobody expects the Pervert Inquisition! Their main weapon is porn. Porn and a Sharingan eye. Their two main weapons are...
Chapter 5 of Interest by Missed Nin

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Zaraki-taicho! She leapt to her feet, bowing smoothly from the neck. Can I help you?
He made another low rumbling noise, the growling of a meditative volcano. Ise, right?
She nodded. The lack of honorifics didnt particularly bother her. After a century of being Nanao-chan, she could handle being just Ise.
Im looking for a book.
Nanao stifled her first, uncharitable thoughtHe knows how to read?and said cautiously, Any particular book?
He rubbed the back of his neck, and contrived to look vaguely uncomfortable. Hmmmm. He held up a slip of paper. This one. Its in the card catalog, but not on the shelves.
Nanao silently cursed the gods that had caused her to miss the sight of Zaraki using the card catalog. She extended a hand. May I?
He gave her a wary lookwary? Zaraki? What in the name of the thousand gods is going on?and held out the scrap of paper. Nanao took it. In clear, if somewhat blocky handwriting, it read Everybody Wets The Bed Sometimes, Smith & Goldberg, 62035.75

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"I once tried to find out how many Babbits I could make, but gave up when I lost count."
"There were one hundred and forty four of us at the time."
"That sounds kinda gross."
"Exactly," Babbit responded to Aya.

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and there was the lean Vulcan face of Surel, the lead singer of the Illogics (formerly Cthia, formerly the Illogics), the galaxy's hottest all-Vulcan hard rock band. (And, amazingly enough, not the only one.)

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