Now this is a bit better than before. It could be expanded upon a bit more before I myself would have called it a chapter... Perhaps a bit more exposition? It would certainly help readers to better understand the nuances of the characters before they explode as you had done with Akani. This is not to say, of course, that the characters should be fully fleshed out from the get-go, just that we be a bit better acquainted before they do anything extreme.
Black Aeronaut Technologies Group, LLC
Aerospace Solutions for the discerning spacer
"To the commissary we should go," Yoda declared firmly. "News
of this kind a danish requires."
Black Aeronaut Technologies Group, LLC
Aerospace Solutions for the discerning spacer
"To the commissary we should go," Yoda declared firmly. "News
of this kind a danish requires."