One minor suggestion and one major-to-me characterization gaffe...
The minor suggestion is to move the very first scene to the start of Chapter 1, to let new readers know up front this isn't "just" a Sailor Moon fanfic.
The characterization gaffe is in the furo scene. Rei revealed her feelings to Zeke, and his only reply was that he wanted to get out of the tub. Most women would be upset in that sort of situation; she opened up to the guy she likes, but he's thinking only of himself. It doesn't matter how close they are, that's going to get on her nerves unless she has no passion at all... and Rei is very passionate. Either Rei should have some reaction to Zeke's apparent unfeeling to her, or Zeke should acknowledge Rei's feelings so she doesn't have any reason for that sort of reaction - I'm not sure which would be better for the story in the long run.
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."
- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012
The minor suggestion is to move the very first scene to the start of Chapter 1, to let new readers know up front this isn't "just" a Sailor Moon fanfic.
The characterization gaffe is in the furo scene. Rei revealed her feelings to Zeke, and his only reply was that he wanted to get out of the tub. Most women would be upset in that sort of situation; she opened up to the guy she likes, but he's thinking only of himself. It doesn't matter how close they are, that's going to get on her nerves unless she has no passion at all... and Rei is very passionate. Either Rei should have some reaction to Zeke's apparent unfeeling to her, or Zeke should acknowledge Rei's feelings so she doesn't have any reason for that sort of reaction - I'm not sure which would be better for the story in the long run.
--
Rob Kelk
"Governments have no right to question the loyalty of those who oppose
them. Adversaries remain citizens of the same state, common subjects of
the same sovereign, servants of the same law."
- Michael Ignatieff, addressing Stanford University in 2012