Mars. Free Republic. Facing a state that speaks German.
Jovian Chronicles.
Jovian Chronicles.
I love you forever.
So, clearly, ZAFT is replacing the JC canon Orbitals, and probably the Gundam powers are replacing CEGA. Man, this is gonna get neck deep real fast. The Bank is probably stirring the pot, and making much more sense about it than LOGOS, and ZAFT probably has actual allies here... If nothing else, they can buy backing from one of the Martian powers with technical support. God, way too many ways this could go...
Anyway. Prose is, perhaps, a little choppy, but acceptable, and the grammar and spelling are solid on a first pass. The 'add new characters to the opening sequence' is commonly used in Seed fanfic, and, I've found, usually a bad sign, but if your plot wants to have an agent from outside Earth's local system involved in the Heliopolis mess, there aren't many 'canon' JC characters to use... It does occur to me, though, that you might be able to bodge canon Seed characters to fit at least Yui's role - Shiho Hahenfuss jumps to mind as a candidate. Depending on how much alteration you're willing to do to get the result, you could adapt the DSSD crew from Stargazer as being 'from away', also.
Again, adding new characters can be handled well, but I've seen it done so badly so often that - even when, as here, most of the other 'warning signs' are missing - it raises a bit of a red flag.
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"V, did you do something foolish?"
"Yes, and it was glorious."
Jovian Chronicles.
Jovian Chronicles.
I love you forever.
So, clearly, ZAFT is replacing the JC canon Orbitals, and probably the Gundam powers are replacing CEGA. Man, this is gonna get neck deep real fast. The Bank is probably stirring the pot, and making much more sense about it than LOGOS, and ZAFT probably has actual allies here... If nothing else, they can buy backing from one of the Martian powers with technical support. God, way too many ways this could go...
Anyway. Prose is, perhaps, a little choppy, but acceptable, and the grammar and spelling are solid on a first pass. The 'add new characters to the opening sequence' is commonly used in Seed fanfic, and, I've found, usually a bad sign, but if your plot wants to have an agent from outside Earth's local system involved in the Heliopolis mess, there aren't many 'canon' JC characters to use... It does occur to me, though, that you might be able to bodge canon Seed characters to fit at least Yui's role - Shiho Hahenfuss jumps to mind as a candidate. Depending on how much alteration you're willing to do to get the result, you could adapt the DSSD crew from Stargazer as being 'from away', also.
Again, adding new characters can be handled well, but I've seen it done so badly so often that - even when, as here, most of the other 'warning signs' are missing - it raises a bit of a red flag.
===========
===============================================
"V, did you do something foolish?"
"Yes, and it was glorious."