Quote:Dysfunctional families tend to make dysfunctional people.For the reasons you touched on her family is a no go-er. I have personal experience with the fact that they are extremely dysfunctional.
When I was originally met her online in '01 she said she was 19. I was skeptical of this, but as she very rapidly confided in me a wish to die - due to a terribly abusive family environment (of the worst possible sort) - I resolved to be the best friend/ear/advisor/support (not boyfriend) I could - and talked her out of her original intent. It took her nearly 8 months to admit she was much younger, but by then I had spoken with her parents - most surreal conversation ever - which only confirmed her need for someone who truly gave a f*ck on her behalf.
This is why despite her constantly dropping the ball and outright screwups which hurt me terribly I maintained a connection with her through her escape into the foster care system and then on her own in until her first visit in '07 when she was 19.
It was during the visit that we both realised we had genuine romantic feelings for each other. Unfortunately, as with everything else she does - she screwed up that visit too - mainly because she had not told the complete story prior to her arrival (because she was already planning her fallback and thus hiding things - including a US relationship) and panicked once she realised my family were putting the pieces together. I paid for her ticket back to the US - because she had originally never intended to leave and had arrived on a one way ticket.
Because of the colossal screw up that was her visit, we didn't speak regularly for a long time - she dropped an email a year until '10 - when she suddenly came back into regular communication asking for a second chance and apologising etc. as well as admitting she'd screwed up etc.
Most people said I was mad to give her another chance, but I did - because I do love her and I am aware that as a survivor her behaviour was if not acceptable, at least understandable - and she needed someone who believed in her more than most. And I was hoping this time she'd get it right.
She said she'd changed and gotten professional help in the process of qualifying for her teaching certification and realised how flawed her original way of dealing with people was - and was determined to prove she'd changed and realise her dream of marrying me - and all her emails, vidchats and actions up to my visit in November last year seemed to bear it out...
But again, it was more of the same. I'm worried for her too - but I have no options left. To stay in contact would condone the abuse she is doing to me - passing on the behaviour she learnt from her family. She's made it impossible for me to help her without becoming an abuse victim myself - and that won't help either of us.
The sad thing is BA, you're completely right. When she's not making bizarre choices, she's gorgeous, brilliant, strong willed, funny, talented and compassionate. There's a reason I stuck by her for so long after repeatedly being screwed over by her. But too often, strong will becomes stubbornness, talent becomes destructive and all her strengths are her weaknesses.
So that's the whole story and it's also why I'm so torn. Everywhere I look I see the person I love destroying herself and she's completely destroyed all my attempts to help.
I wish to God I could help her - I put my entire life on the line to do so - she threw it away and told me 'There's no cost in this for you - you can go back home and back to your life'. Made me feel worthless.
Now I must cut myself off for my own survival, but it is the hardest thing I've ever done.