Chapter 14 Now Available on My Website

[Murmur the Fallen]

Well, since you seem to be flooded by the positive feedback, I'll just add that I enjoyed the chapter a great deal.
The entire Lina/Sylia scene was very well done, as were, of course, the characterizations of everyone. The plot never dragged, moving at a brisk and exciting pace.
Hmm . . . as this is one of my commentaries, I guess I'll have to move onto the "negatives" before this gets cloying . . .
First off, how did . . . Jennifer (? the boomer girl) know that these were the Knight Sabers? That was a bit jarring. And given her desire to die, she was certainly very calm at the beginning. Not sure if that's appropriate or not, I'm waffling a bit, but the fact that she calls them Knight Sabers was jarring.
Hmm . . . what else . . .
I found Oscar the Mechanical Man's acculturation to humanity to be surprisingly fast. Granted that he served in covert activities before, but he picked up on certain nuances a bit too quickly to be believed. Maybe some more scenes of him getting used to the ineffable condition of sentience should be added ("What . . . is . . . love, Mr. Sangnoir?").
Also, he certainly both picked up a sense of humor and the ability to adequately quip with Doug very, VERY quickly. Again, the jarring quality is there.
Oh, yes. As for any dramatic quality that the final scene had was lost because in an earlier scene, Doug specifically mentioned that he both survived it and moved onto another world (the Doug singing scene). I mean, OF COURSE, we know that. And given that it's told in the first person, we're pretty sure anyway. But still, by coming out and saying it like that makes sure that the readers know that Doug is ultimately unaffected by his kidnapping. At least, that's the effect.
So, even with those things, enjoyed the chapter.
Oh, and have you considered that there is a much more appropiate Styx song for this chapter? (Oh, momma I'm in fear for my life from the long arm of the law . . .)
-murmur
"I, Escargot Pudding, am freed of all constraints and will live happily!"-Higurashi Kagome

[offsides]

---

First off, how did . . . Jennifer (? the boomer girl) know that these were the Knight Sabers? That was a bit jarring. And given her desire to die, she was certainly very calm at the beginning. Not sure if that's appropriate or not, I'm waffling a bit, but the fact that she calls them Knight Sabers was jarring.

---

What's the best way to keep a "child" entertained? Television. The Knight Sabers have appeared on TV numerous times, and are _extremely_ distinctive in their looks (see episode 5(?) with the superboomer clones). So for Jennifer to recognize a Knight Saber hardsuit is not that surprising.
I'll let Bob address the rest
Offsides
Drunkard's Walk Forum Moderator and Prereader At Large

[Bob Schroeck]

Thank you so very much, Josh.
Okay, Murmur, let's see if I can answer to your satisfaction in the half hour I have before I have to start work...

---

I found Oscar the Mechanical Man's acculturation to humanity to be surprisingly fast. Granted that he served in covert activities before, but he picked up on certain nuances a bit too quickly to be believed. Maybe some more scenes of him getting used to the ineffable condition of sentience should be added

---

Why would he need acculturation to humanity, or have to "get used to" sentience? He already had both. Look at the boomers who kidnapped Cynthia in episode one of the OVAs. Like Oscar/Kilroy they were covert models, and they were in no way mechanical or artificial in behavior. They had unique personalities, and were clearly experienced at living as human beings -- especially Frederick, who passed as human while working with a dozen or more people every day in a paranoid high-security facility. They even had obvious, if somewhat crude, emotions. Doug's changes don't make a boomer sentient -- they just take the locks off his ability to be free and complete person.

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Also, he certainly both picked up a sense of humor and the ability to adequately quip with Doug very, VERY quickly.

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Again, he didn't "pick those up" -- he already had them. They were, admittedly, muted during his first couple hours of freedom, as he was busy trying to figure out whether he was about to be "disposed of" or not. But they came out as he became more relaxed around Doug.

---

Oh, yes. As for any dramatic quality that the final scene had was lost because in an earlier scene, Doug specifically mentioned that he both survived it and moved onto another world (the Doug singing scene). I mean, OF COURSE, we know that. And given that it's told in the first person, we're pretty sure anyway. But still, by coming out and saying it like that makes sure that the readers know that Doug is ultimately unaffected by his kidnapping. At least, that's the effect.

---

Hm. I hadn't considered that. Maybe I should change the passage. Good catch.

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Oh, and have you considered that there is a much more appropiate Styx song for this chapter? (Oh, momma I'm in fear for my life from the long arm of the law . . .)

---

You know, I've been trying to find a good place for that song. I never thought of it for this chapter.
Thanks for the opinions, Murmur.


-- Bob
---------
"Flan on!" -- The battlecry of the Human Dessert

[Murmur the Fallen]

What's the best way to keep a "child" entertained? Television. The Knight Sabers have appeared on TV numerous times, and are _extremely_ distinctive in their looks (see episode 5(?) with the superboomer clones). So for Jennifer to recognize a Knight Saber hardsuit is not that surprising.
I'll let Bob address the rest
Offsides
[Now, see, I'd accept that except for one thing: there's no television in Jennifer's room. And the clear implication of the entire scene is that Jennifer's abuser went into her room to abuse her. And a television, or a computer (which was also never mentioned) was probably not part of the whole twisted "cute girl" sex scenario.
Now, if there had been a television mentioned, then I could accept it. As it is, this is a bit of a leap, given there's no evidence for it, and a distraction to the reader. So just add a television, or have Nene introduce herself or something.]
-murmur

[Ace Dreamer]

"If you're not a good girl, I'll hire the Knight Sabres to come and kill you", accompanied with video footage of the KS dealing with boomers?
I could easily imagine a Genom exec using that sort of threat, and considering it appropriate.
I could also imagine him carrying in a video camera and a flat screen, and then taking it away with him afterwards.
Not that I _like_ imagining anything like this...
A comment by Jennifer in Ch.15 might clarify.
--
"It is the business of the future to be dangerous" - Hawkwind

[Elsa Bibat]

Just dropping by as I do some electronic spring cleaning of my
backlog after my impromptu hospital stay. At least doing this
in a wheelchair makes me look cool if anyone dropped by...^_^
Anyway, just read the Concordance and I was surprised by
the fact behind the 'Kilroy' reference. I was actually thinking
Bob had watched "The Rundown" and extrapolated a name
for the ROCK a.k.a. Robert Orin Charles Kilroy, who is now my
favorite boomer and will always be called that be me. ^_^
Another thing, I had wondered about why Doug didn't get the
Kilroy reference the first time around since the Kilroy meme has been around since 1943, but the Concordance explained it all thankfully.
You know, Bob, reading the Concordance just reminds me that I should do the same thing for my Dance series...which I'll be doing once I clean out the spam and go through the net for updates.
ja ne

[Bob Schroeck]

---

I could also imagine him carrying in a video camera and a flat screen, and then taking it away with him afterwards.
Not that I _like_ imagining anything like this...

---

While Jennifer was being held incommunicado by Sheng at the time the Sabers found her, she was not always completely cut off from the media. She is older than she appears (though not by much), and was aware of the Sabers' existence from her brief pre-Sheng life.
As for Sheng threatening her, no. That would spoil the illusion she was crafted to embody.

---

A comment by Jennifer in Ch.15 might clarify.

---

She's not really slated for much screen time there. If I can work it in, I will. No promises.


-- Bob
---------
"Flan on!" -- The battlecry of the Human Dessert

[Bob Schroeck]

---

Just dropping by as I do some electronic spring cleaning of my backlog after my impromptu hospital stay. At least doing this in a wheelchair makes me look cool if anyone dropped by...^_^

---

Oh, no! What happened, Elsa? Is this something new, or the older problem you mentioned once a few months back?

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Anyway, just read the Concordance and I was surprised by the fact behind the 'Kilroy' reference. I was actually thinking Bob had watched "The Rundown" and extrapolated a name for the ROCK

---

Nope. Haven't even seen the film. In fact, I had to go over to the IMDB and look it up to find out anything about it.

---

a.k.a. Robert Orin Charles Kilroy, who is now my
favorite boomer and will always be called that be me. ^_^

---

I'm flattered. In a weird way, but I'm flattered.

---

You know, Bob, reading the Concordance just reminds me that I should do the same thing for my Dance series...which I'll be doing once I clean out the spam and go through the net for updates.

---

I'm looking forward to that, Elsa -- god knows I don't get half the references in your stories, and I know I'm missing good stuff there, too...

-- Bob
---------
"Flan on!" -- The battlecry of the Human Dessert

[Aleh]

---

I'm not going to say. Honestly, I thought it would be obvious, but as long as people are guessing, they're eagerly anticipating chapter 15. And that's a state I want people to be in.

---

Err... I think we're talking about slightly different things here... I was asking about the change in the scene from the draft version.-------------------
*No,* Sachiel replied.
*Aww, come on,* I answered.
*Absolutely not,* he insisted.
*What's so bad about my idea?*
*While I have no problem with withdrawing and allowing you to handle the situation, I have... issues with your plan to tell the Lillim that you are the "3.14th Angel, Auwhotda'ell".*

[Bob Schroeck]

---

Err... I think we're talking about slightly different things here... I was asking about the change in the scene from the draft version.

---

Ah, okay. Sorry, two different "one word" threads within this discussion. Okay, the answer to your question is: "was" was changed to "became", courtesy of Nathan Baxter, who identified the critical choice of verb.


-- Bob
---------
"Flan on!" -- The battlecry of the Human Dessert

[Aleh]

Ah. Yeah, I can see how that would have 'more impact'... Honestly, I would've kept the original choice, but that's just me -- my honest opinion is that scenes like that should have as much impact as possible.-------------------
*No,* Sachiel replied.
*Aww, come on,* I answered.
*Absolutely not,* he insisted.
*What's so bad about my idea?*
*While I have no problem with withdrawing and allowing you to handle the situation, I have... issues with your plan to tell the Lillim that you are the "3.14th Angel, Auwhotda'ell".*

[Bob Schroeck]

The thing is, the impact was increased for the wrong reasons. Okay, I'm not going to be coy here; the specific sentence we're discussing is:
Her gorge rose as every horror, every disguised demand and forced performance, suddenly became *her* victimization, *her* shame.
When the verb was "was" instead of "became", it carried along a host of implications about Nene's childhood which I hadn't intended. Nene is having a moment of empathy, not a moment of memory.


-- Bob
---------
"Flan on!" -- The battlecry of the Human Dessert

[Aleh]

Point there, Bob, but that wasn't what I was thinking. Actually, that particular implication didn't even occur to me until you pointed it out.-------------------
*No,* Sachiel replied.
*Aww, come on,* I answered.
*Absolutely not,* he insisted.
*What's so bad about my idea?*
*While I have no problem with withdrawing and allowing you to handle the situation, I have... issues with your plan to tell the Lillim that you are the "3.14th Angel, Auwhotda'ell".*

[Bob Schroeck]

Believe me, you probably would have. Most of my prereaders did; in fact, I knew I was giving the wrong feeling, but it took Nathan to point out exactly what I needed to change to fix it.


-- Bob
---------
"Flan on!" -- The battlecry of the Human Dessert

[Valles]

*blush*
Blessed be.
-n
===========

===============================================
"V, did you do something foolish?"
"Yes, and it was glorious."

[chibipoe]

I'm still trying to find the best way to summarize my thoughts on DW2, having gotten through 14 recently. But right now, the predominant thought I have is an utterly fannish one.
More.
Seriously, the end of 14 was one of those wonderful moments, where the story completely and utterly owns you and you -are- there, even if you saw the scene coming, it still takes you and pulls you in headlong so that nothing else exists but the tale.
And then I realised there was nothing else yet. And I wanted to scream.
There are few stories that I can read that can command that sort of reaction from me, Bob. I'm happy to say that Drunkard's Walk has made its way onto that list."This hand of mine glows with an awesome power. Its burning grip tells me to defeat you....
Shining FINGER!" -Domon Kashuu, Mobile Fighter G Gundam
"This hand of mine glows with an awesome power. Its burning grip tells me to defeat you....
Shining FINGER!" -Domon Kashuu, Mobile Fighter G Gundam

[Bob Schroeck]

---

But right now, the predominant thought I have is an utterly fannish one.
More.

---

You and about 500 other people.

---

Seriously, the end of 14 was one of those wonderful moments, where the story completely and utterly owns you and you -are- there, even if you saw the scene coming, it still takes you and pulls you in headlong so that nothing else exists but the tale.

---

Thank you. I knew that some readers would remember that Doug had specifically asked Lisa to hire the Sabers, so yeah, I anticipated people seeing that scene coming. But I promise you, there are at least two things in the next chapter that I laid down in plain (or semiplain) sight, but which just might blindside you when they appear.

---

And then I realised there was nothing else yet. And I wanted to scream.

---

You wanted to scream? How do you think I feel? "Oh, god, another 130K to go..."

---

There are few stories that I can read that can command that sort of reaction from me, Bob. I'm happy to say that Drunkard's Walk has made its way onto that list.

---

Thank you, Poe. I just hope the last chapter is a worthy successor to all the praise the earlier parts have received.


-- Bob
---------
And all the girlies say I'm pretty dry for a wet guy...

[chibipoe]

---

You and about 500 other people.

---

Quality such of this deserves every bit of praise it receives.

---

But I promise you, there are at least two things in the next chapter that I laid down in plain (or semiplain) sight, but which just might blindside you when they appear.

---

I look forward to it.

---

Thank you, Poe. I just hope the last chapter is a worthy successor to all the praise the earlier parts have received.

---

From my view, there's no fear of that. Everything is in place for one seriously rocking climax.
"This hand of mine glows with an awesome power. Its burning grip tells me to defeat you....
Shining FINGER!" -Domon Kashuu, Mobile Fighter G Gundam

[WengFook]

one question... how do you qoute like that?
_________________________________
Take Your Candle, Go Light Your World.

[offsides]

Use the quote ezCode like any other html tag. Next time you post, click the little question mark next to the ezCodes radio button for more information.
Offsides
Drunkard's Walk Forum Moderator and Prereader At Large

[WengFook]

okay! thanks a lot!
*goes off to check out the instructions*
so many diferent formats of discussion boards
_________________________________
Take Your Candle, Go Light Your World.

[Bob Schroeck]

The quick summary is use [ quote ] and [ /quote ]. (Without the spaces between square brackets and text within.)


-- Bob
---------
And all the girlies say I'm pretty dry for a wet guy...

[WengFook]

aha... I realise it must be a silly question now...
discussion boards around the world all work nearly the same way when it comes to things like brackets and commands.
_________________________________
Take Your Candle, Go Light Your World.

[Bob Schroeck]

There are no silly questions except the ones left unasked.


-- Bob
---------
And all the girlies say I'm pretty dry for a wet guy...