Well, I sent Ch. 1 of Rebirth to the FFML, although I make it rather clear that it needs a lot of polish. Any C&C would be greatly appreciated.
![[Image: Aleh.jpg]](http://www.animecubed.com/billy/pics/sigs/Aleh.jpg)
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I saved a copy of Rebirth when I saw it on the FFML, Aleh, but I haven't read it yet... soon, I hope.
-- Bob --------- Then the horns kicked in... ...and my shoes began to squeak. Quote:Interesting story, Ebony... I went back and took a look around at the Nexus website; I'm almost tempted to slide Doug into that world(s?) as a Step... Quote:I think I saw them all... took me a while, though, to realize that "Kat" was Kitty Pryde. (I kept wondering if she were Kat from Warriors' World, then dismissing that thought as silly.) -- Bob --------- Then the horns kicked in... ...and my shoes began to squeak.  Quote:Glad you liked it. Nexus is from the RPG, "Nexus: The Eternal City" by Robin Laws, that was put out about 5 years ago by Daedalus Press, just before they released Feng Shui and went out of business. It's very similar to the City of Cynosure from "Grimjack" by First Comics, and it basically is a city where all realities eventually come into phase. Something that isn't made clear on the archives is that Blackstone's story is not set in Nexus. The City is similar, but I needed to have it seperate from the rest of the stories on the list. Quote:Kitty's been a favorite character of mine for a long, long time. Nightcrawler too (one of the reasons that I'm so jazzed about "X-Men 2"). I would hope that you picked up on the organization that keeps its HQ under Fisher's, given that both Doug and Blackstone have their origins in the same RPG. Ebony the Black Dragon Senior Editor, Living Room Games www.lrgames.com Ebony the Black Dragon http://ebony14.livejournal.com "Good night, and may the Good Lord take a Viking to you."
Well, I'm glad. Honestly, I've been sincerely underwhelmed by the response so far. Specifically, I've recieved *ONE* e-mail about it. Exactly one. No more, no less. And that's with me specifically requesting C&C.
You posted it yesterday - give people time before you dispair. Just assume no news is good news (and no, I haven't read it, I may get a chance or I may not - but that has nothing to do with you
 Offsides Drunkard's Walk Forum Moderator and Prereader At Large Quote:I'm sorry, I just haven't had the time to look at it yet. With luck, tomorrow, okay? But no promises. -- Bob --------- Then the horns kicked in... ...and my shoes began to squeak. 
Welcome to the wonderful world of Feedback, Aleh... That's one thing I've found, especially with the FFML, that feedback can be hard to come by at times. Often a story has to be very good, or very BAAAAD inorder to generate much response. This seems to be a function of the amount of traffic the list delivers, but not always.
When I first stared writing Tales of the Wanderer, it seemed like it took a miracle to get any sort of commentary at all on it. However, as the story has gone on and more people have read it, It's gotten more feedback as time goes on. So, just be paitent... and check if the Feedback patrol is still around. This is a group of long time FFML members who will, if you ask, give you feedback on a story that hasn't gotten any from the list to date."I was an Otaku before those kids came along and changed the meaning of the word." -- HM "Howling Mad" Wilson to more than one team-mate. Hear that thunder rolling till it seems to split the sky? That's every ship in Grayson's Navy taking up the cry- NO QUARTER!!! -- "No Quarter", by Echo's Children
Well, the problem is that I *NEED* that feedback to get the first chapter past the draft stage. My writing style just doesn't quite mesh with the effect I'm trying to convey. It actually might be easier to do it in a manga format, but I *SUCK* at drawing, so that's out. Therefore, I need help polishing the scenes and removing the rough edges that clash has left. On the other hand, I think that it's a worthy project; if I can improve my writing enough, I can finally get to rewriting some of my older stories so that they're better as well.
Oh, and Bob? I've sketched out a possible BGC SI based on that avatar. One, admittedly even rougher than my draft of Ch. 1, scene that I actually liked enough to write out is this:
I dove through the hailstorm of plasma and laser bolts, ignoring the instantly-regenerating wounds I took from the occasional projectile, and focused on my target. Using my flame to sear through the reinforced window of Quincy's office, I plunged into the surprised executive's domain like a guided missile that, after using a small amount of flame to insure that the office's inhabitant wasn't an android double, promptly discharged its payload. "WEDGIE!!"
Aleh, I still haven't gotten to it yet. It's been a busy week and a busy weekend, and I'm trying to catch up on stuff. I owe comments to a lot of folks, and I'm so behind...
-- Bob --------- Then the horns kicked in... ...and my shoes began to squeak.
Oh, and that passage is funny. I like. You're very lucky my plans for the end of DW2 won't let me steal it.
-- Bob --------- Then the horns kicked in... ...and my shoes began to squeak.
Thanks. I'm proud of it.
Oh, and don't worry about not having gotten to Rebirth yet; I'm distracting myself by working on Ch. 2 while I eagerly await any e-mail on the first chapter; to date, I count three that I've recieved, two of which didn't read past the initial meeting of my avatar and Nabiki, and both of whom commented on my avatar being an ANC while completely misrepresenting him by... well... here's a few excerpts of one of them. My response, of course, was that he's going to shock them, alright, but hardly 'into awe'. Or there's the same author's *OTHER* predictions... I, of course, nearly ruined my keyboard by spitting out my gatorade. My avatar won't 'deal with' Akane's cooking, nope... I have *PLANS* for that. *Grin*. Or... > ... Cologne *IS* in awe at his 'superlative skills', actually, but it's a bit of a joke. You see, the best thing that summarizes my avatar's relationship with the Joketsuzoku is 'three thousand years of misunderstandings and misinterpretations, mixed with an equally-long practical joke war'. Or, to put it more succinctly, "How many times do we have to tell you that there's a difference between a really big ki-blast and a thermonuclear warhead?" And no, they *DON'T* decide to attack him. They're too afraid of him deciding to put a laxative in the villiage water supply again (although they call it 'using dark magic to disable most of our warriors'). Of the other two, one was basically a 'pat on the back' e-mail saying that he enjoyed it, and the other was a comment on how annoying the anachronisms in his Japanese speech were, and how he stopped reading because of it... the paragraph before it stopped. Oddly enough, the e-mail I quoted from is the closest thing to C&C I've gotten.
I'm still catching up on stuff. Part of that is the understandable excitement of the week (in addition to Peggy's recent hospital adventure, we also have had a lot of other things happen in the past 7 days which I simply won't go into). Part of that is me being brain dead from lack of sleep. And part it is me going hogwild with my new broadband connection at home to the exclusion of much else.
-- Bob --------- Then the horns kicked in... ...and my shoes began to squeak.
Nah, don't worry about it; just tell me when you finally do get around to reading it. Still, the sooner I get decent C&C (mainly the 'comments' part), the sooner I'll be able to release a *NON*-draft version. :-)
Aleh, just started looking at it this afternoon. I'm going to have some comments for you, at the very least about how to use archaic English verb forms properly.
-- Bob --------- Then the horns kicked in... ...and my shoes began to squeak.
Yes, well, the grammar checkers don't exactly pick up on that; they tried to correct me on the *SPELLING* of 'thine', for instance.
Well, few spell checkers are optimized for 15th-century English, after all...
Okay, in the absence of anything detailed yet for you (which I will send in private email), here's a quick primer on those archaic verbs and related words. Anything ending in "-th" is the same as ending in "s": "hath" = "has", "doth" = "does". Use them in the same way as their modern equivalents. (I.e., "he hath", but not "I hath".) Verb tenses ending in "-t" like "art", "shalt", etc. are generally 2nd-person and shouldn't be used for first or third person. (I.e., only "you", not "I" or "he/she/it".) "-st" verbs are a harder case -- I have to go look up the rules for those. "I didst come" sounds right and "thou doest" sounds wrong to me, but I can't give a reason why. "Thy father hast promised" is definitely wrong -- it should be "hath promised". Another good example from your text: "Thy honor doest require" should be "doth require", but "What doest thou think" is okay. More on this later, when I can look it up. (Oh, and "dost", not "doest".) "Thine" and "mine" are not possessives but pronouns. "Mine curse" is wrong, unless you're doing Middle/eastern European stereotype Jewish dialogue. "Thy curse", not "thine curse" -- this parallels "My/mine" in modern English. Finally, usage of "thee/thy/thine". Like the Romance languages, English once had two sets of second person pronouns -- one for intimates and one for group or formal use. Using the intimate form with a social superior was a bad thing. Guess which variety survived? The formal/plural -- "you/your/yours". "Thee/thy/thine" was the familiar form, sort of like "-chan" and "-kun" in Japanese, while "you" was "-san" or even "-sama". (This is an important detail in understanding the King James Bible, btw -- the source from which most people get these archaic usages -- God is always addressed in the familiar mode, like a family member or a close personal friend. Most people today think because it's talking to or about God, it has to be formal. Nope, exactly the opposite.) So if Alexander is supposed to be addressing Ranma with remarkable familiarity, leave it as is; if he's being antiquely formal, use "you/your/yours" instead of "thee/thy/thine". You might want to leaven his dialogue with the appropriate Japanese honorifics and footnote the proper English usage for those who don't know. Anyway, running out of time here. More later. -- Bob --------- Then the horns kicked in... ...and my shoes began to squeak.
Oh, and we're severely off-topic here. I'd move the section of the thread dealing with Aleh's story to a seperate topic under General/general, but I don't think I can do that without a lot of annoying work. I'll look into it tonight.
Anyway, please post any and all followups on this thread to General/General. Thank you. -- Bob --------- Then the horns kicked in... ...and my shoes began to squeak. |
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