ROTFL, Part II

[DHBirr]

---

"She is a formidable fighter -- and there is a very good chance that she has been sent to kill you."
"Kill me? What did I do?
"Absolutely nothing!"
"...Father. What did you do?"

---

-- Girl Genius, 16 Jul 2007
-----
Big Brother is watching you.  And damn, you are so bloody BORING.

[SkyeFire]

Hah. If anything, the *last* panel was even better. But it really needs some background in order to work as a quote.
And besides, without the associated *visual*, the full impact isn't quite there.
What are you still reading this for? Go check out the link!
www.girlgeniusonline.com/...e=20070716

[Kheram Coldstar]

---

Hah. If anything, the *last* panel was even better. But it really needs some background in order to work as a quote.
And besides, without the associated *visual*, the full impact isn't quite there.
What are you still reading this for? Go check out the link!

---

I'm just praying that I parsed those last few panels incorrectly. The thought of Baron/Dupree scares the heck out of me.

Kheram

[ECSNorway]

Allyn Yonge's Sukebe Senshi:

---

" TELL . . .ME . . .WHERE IS THE PRIN---" Nephrite had the ability to fly, teleport, fire bolts of black energy and generate a very impressive force field . Unfortunately he couldn't do them all at the same time.
"I bet this is gonna' hurt."
Nephrite looked down in surprise. He had little interest in humans, except as food for his Youma. The small crippled human had escaped his notice. And normally a single human girl would have been no more dangerous to the Dark General than a butterfly.
However Nephrite was entirely concentrated on the attack . . .his force field was at minimum strength. And Soban had Smith & Wesson's finest product pressed between his legs. Even at minimum strength his force field could not be penetrated by a handgun . . . not completely. But the 240 grain .44 caliber slug left the barrel at 1100 feet/second and only had to travel about 3cm before impact. Screaming in a voice only dogs could hear Nephrite dropped Venus and fell to the ground curled in a foetal position.

---

--
"I give you the beautiful... the talented... the tirelessly atomic-powered...
R!
DOROTHY!
WAYNERIGHT!
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[WengFook]

*Cringes in sympathetic pain*
on the other hand... he deserved it :S
_______________________________
We're definitely playing this game wrong. I thought Vampire was supposed to be a game of personal horror, not about ninja magic-carpet airstrikes at night.
- A friend after playing a session of Dark Ages Vampire.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. THERE IS ONLY WAR!
-Same friend.
_________________________________
Take Your Candle, Go Light Your World.

[Xenoproctologist]

The incompleteness of Allyn Yonge's [Sukebe/Subeke/Sukeban] Senshi is one of my great fanfiction laments. In large part, because it's a unique flavor of Sailor Moon you just can't find anywhere else.

[ECSNorway]

Agreed, X. I would quite cheerfully hurt some people if it got even one more chapter out...--
"I give you the beautiful... the talented... the tirelessly atomic-powered...
R!
DOROTHY!
WAYNERIGHT!
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[CattyNebulart]

For those like me who never heard of the story before:
www.geocities.com/ayonged...enshi.html
I must agree with ECS, I really need to get that squad of elite necromancers together for just these things. Undead don't need silly things like food or rest and can just spend all their time writing. Then again I probably should be the last person complaining about speed.
E: "Did they... did they just endorse the combination of the JSDF and US Army by showing them as two lesbian lolicons moving in together and holding hands and talking about how 'intimate' they were?"
B: "Have you forgotten so soon? They're phasing out Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

[Jeap]

Let me get this straight, Miss Granger, Mr. Potter, Mr. Texas The Quick-Notes Quill stopped scribbling on the hovering notebook and moved out of the way as the Chief Auror grabbed it, flipped back a few pages and started reading. Miss Granger all of a sudden decides to come to this, city, the Auror suppressed a shudder at the thought of a wizard wanting to come to Las Vegas. With very little warning to her supervisors, no warning at all to family and friends, you take a month off work and come here just to visit? You had no idea that Harry Potter, the most famous wizard in your country was hiding out here, as a muggle, until you ran into him outside a casino?
Thats right. For once, Hermiones voice didnt sound completely self-assured.
Of course it is. Nobody would mistake the sarcasm in those four words for sincerity. You just happened to pick the one city in all the world that The-Boy-Who-Disappeared chose to hide, by accident. The reunion was just an accident. And then, Mr. Malfoy just happens to run into the both of you, by accident. The Auror seemed to grow more irate with each sentence. Does it look, to the three of you, like I just left NAMBLA School yesterday?
---
It stands for North American Magical Bureau of Legal Authority, she said, wondering what was so funny. It was created secretly by the United States president 180 years ago when a large number of wizard immigrants started arriving from around the world. NAMBLA is responsible for policing the large number of wizards and witches living within the United States, Canada and Mexico without betraying their existence to the public.
Royal Flush

[TheTwisted1]

---

I lack magical powers, since I have neither mage-sight nor the most important talent of the magician, which is the ability to say phrases like, By the all-seeing Eye of the Vishanti, may the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak protect me! without breaking down in an attack of the giggles.

---

--"Minion" by Gevaisa, Chapter 7
www.fanfiction.net/s/2530396/7/

---

That was when the Potions master wondered just what was in those sherbet lemons the headmaster claimed he had liked ever since a Muggleborn student happened to leave a tin of them in his dorm room when departing the school for summer.

---

--"A Knut to Start the Revolution" by Hahukum Konn, Chapter 19
www.fanfiction.net/s/3177166/19/A_Knut_ ... Revolution

--The Twisted One"Welcome to Fanboy Hell. You will be spending eternity here, in a small room with Jar-Jar Binks and Dobby the house-elf."
"If you
wish to converse with me, define your
terms."

--Voltaire

[Aleh]

From Serpent in Paradise, a rather... different... LotR fic. Despite the following quote, it's not a comedy, but it does have its moments...

---

"If Mrs. M. faced down the Gestapo, live, at age twenty, then Sauron in a crystal ball should be a piece of cake. After all didnt Radagast say that his Evil Eye thing did not work on the Human mind? That should make it alright."
Minimauw, who had been cleaning her whiskers, while sitting on the table (She was allowed.Try stopping her.) decided to investigate that curious round object that was keeping her minders (dogs have owners; cats have servants) from paying attention to her, and delicately sniffed at the Palantir. Then she patted it with a dainty white-socked paw.
"I AM HERE."
Bristling up her fur, Minimauw became twice her size as she hissed and spat at the glowing ball.
"Oh my!" cried mrs. Mertens, "What brought that on?"
"Here we go again." said Franky., " One Big-eyed Evil, coming up."
"I SEE YOU!"
"How could you fail to, with an eye like that?"
"Mister van Ree! That was rude! " said Mrs. Mertens, admonishingly, " One does not poke fun at a persons handicap."
""But he is Sauron! "
"That is no reason to forget ones manners." said the old lady primly, and turned her attention to the Palantir.
"Good evening, mr. Sauron. I hope we did not interrupt you in anything important"
"Yes, like planning to take over Middle Earth!" quipped Franky.
"Mr. van Ree! Please!"
"I WILL FIND YOU. I WILL FIND YOU BOTH AND IN THE DARKNESS BIND YOU."
"Now now, there is no need for such threats. The young man is very sorry for his silly jokes arent you, mr. Van Ree? and he does apologise"
"YOU WILL SUFFER."
"Please dont take it like this. We dont mean to bother you. In fact, our problem would be solved, and we would not trouble you further if you could just clear the line on this Palantir"

---

-- This message brought to you by Ely Lilly, makers of SeraFem: Happy Pills for PMS.

[WengFook]

taken from Wild Cherry Blossom

---

Excuse me Kakashi, I need to tie my shoelaces. Gai stated and bent over. That was it. As Gais spandex suit revealed things Kakashi never wanted to ever lay eyes upon, his visible eye went wide before he covered it with his arm like a vampire exposed to sunlight. His other hand making warding gestures.
By the gods noooooo!

---

www.fanfiction.net/s/3515...ry_Blossom_______________________________
We're definitely playing this game wrong. I thought Vampire was supposed to be a game of personal horror, not about ninja magic-carpet airstrikes at night.
- A friend after playing a session of Dark Ages Vampire.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. THERE IS ONLY WAR!
-Same friend.
_________________________________
Take Your Candle, Go Light Your World.

[drakensis]

Glasses coughed off to one side, but Naruto kept scraping at the insides of his skull. There was the whole issue about Chakra control, but that was something he'd probably have to train himself to. He could, of course, ask about training methods, and put that in queue. Finally, his mental fingers (which rather resembled sausages, and were just as graceful) brushed upon an unanswered question that, revealed to the light, irked him.
Okay. I have a question for you. Yesterday, I was talking with Kakashi-sensei and, well, I'm not really going to give you a context for this, but what the hell do katanas and sheathes have to do with hookers? He paused. And, there's another thing. What's the deal with pregnant people? I mean, babies do just appear, right?
Sarutobi halted mid-step, one foot inches off the ground, hands at his side. The position was so ludicrous that it appeared the old man would fall in a heap at any moment. Instead, the Hokage slowly rotated his head to Naruto with eyes that shone with the exact same shade of horror that had tinted Makoto's. "You were talking about hookers with your sensei?"
Naruto nodded vigorously. "Sasuke was there, too. I'm pretty sure he already knows about them, though. I mean, I think Kakashi was trying to be subtle about it, but Sasuke knew what he was talking about right off the bat."
One of the ANBU - Bear, possibly - made a sharp choking noise. Behind the Boar mask, the female ANBU seemed to be backing away. His clones glanced at each other, then at the Sandaime, whose normally coffee-colored skin was losing color so rapidly that he almost matched his robes.
"Kaede-san. No, Boar." The Hokage's voice was uneven and cracking with every syllable. "Tell Himura to rally an emergency assembly of the council. I want to break the speed record for the passing of a law."
"The law, Hokage-sama?" Boar's bow was light, little more than an inclination of her head, but her voice was deep and husky. Behind her mask, Naruto was sure that her eyes were darting at him.
"The proclamation that Hatake Kakashi will never be allowed to teach anyone about ..." The Hokage paused, his hands flailing and grasping in front of him while his mouth traced unreadable silent syllables. Finally, he inhaled sharply enough that clouds of dust gravitated towards him, stood up straighter, and finished in one rather high pitched sentence. "About sex or any act or deviation of it unless directly impacting the fate of a mission."
A Twist of Chance
D for Drakensis

You're only young once, but immaturity is forever.

[Bob Schroeck]

Luna spent most of that time talking about her Ministry internship. Her reward for being Harry's friend (and Slug Club party date) had been a menial posting within the centralized mailroom.
For ten hours a day, five days a week, Luna's job was to date spell incoming mail and route it to the correct Ministry department. The only spell she was permitted to use was the flying memo incantation. Over the past few days, she had been successfully exploring just how much intent could influence this charm. As a result, rather than sending out simple airplanes, Luna was now creating flying origami swans, owls, and hippogriffs. Harry suggested that she turn the messages into paper thestrals, which would only be visible if the recipient had seen someone using common sense.
-- from Muggle Summer, chapter 50, by canoncansodoff (at portkey.org)

-- Bob
---------
The Internet Is For Norns.

[deadpan29]

From an Eva-Ranma crossover on the Addventure, I think this sums up Ranma's situation in almost any set of circumstances:

---

"So, whatta I do about the -" Ranma made a gesture in the direction of the station.
"Keep quiet, follow my lead, try to act normal," said Misato.
"See, that's kinda a problem," said Ranma. "On account I don't actually KNOW normal. Normal isn't something I've seen except maybe at a distance. My life is kinda ABnormal, if ya get my drift."

---

----------
No, I don't believe the world has gone mad.  In order for it to go mad it would need to have been sane at some point.

[Bob Schroeck]

I've got a few more which went into my quote file, and I've only now remembered I have:

---

"Think of us as your own ego-busting squad," Hermione smiled.
"I didnt think I needed it," Harry pointed out.
"You dont," Pansy agreed. "But its always good to be prepared. And to remind you that you are only human. Out there, you will always be Harry Potter, Boy Who Lived, Saviour, Hero, and Sex God. With us, youll just be Harry, our friend and love."
"And Sex God," Daphne added with a grin.
-- from White Knight, Grey Queen, Chapter 8, by Jeconais

---

So far as he knew, no other vampire had more control over their demon aspect than Spike did. Except perhaps Harmony, but that was only because the demon expected to be able to use a functioning human brain when it occupied a human body, and that was one organ Harm had not been able to provide.
-- from Return To Normal Chapter 7, by jAkL

---

"Yeah, whatever," Harry muttered, shaking his head. "Anyway, thats enough for today. For homework, you have to cast the curse on fifty small children. I expect their corpses on my desk in the morning."
-- from The Denarian Renegade by "Shezza88", Chapter 32

---

"You could be a great hero . . . everyone singing your praises. Parades, endorsement contracts. Pretty girls wanting your autograph." Hotaru coughed. "And other things."
"Ah, that stuff never really interested me," Shinji admitted.
"Okay," Hotaru told him, "Pretty boys wanting - "
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" Shinji shouted, his fists clenching and unclenching.
"You would have no trouble obtaining violinists for a string quartet," Rei offered.
"Where is this robot?! It can't be that bad." Shinji marched through the bays, intent on embracing his destiny.
"Rei-chan," Hotaru said, "You scare me sometimes."
-- from Chalangel, Chapter 1, by Daniel Gibson

---

"You know, I feel all philosophical at the moment," Harry admitted softly, watching the soft red and orange hues with a reflective expression on his face.
'/Do you have any words of wisdom then?'/
"Yeah," Harry said and his lips curled up into a dark smile. "Lets kill the fuckers."
-- from The Denarian Renegade, Chapter 33, by Shezza88

---

"So robots have a hell?"
"It's in New Jersey."
Anyanka nodded sagely. It would pretty much have to be.
-- from Wishes, Chapter 12, by ShayneT
(Edit: Just cleaning up the layout a bit, now that I've looked at it.)-- Bob
---------
One of the primary differences between the Left and the Right is their attitude toward the Future. The Radical wants the Future to have gotten here yesterday. The Reactionary wants the Future quietly shot and the corpse buried where no one can find it.
-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[Epsilon]

---

"So robots have a hell?"
"It's in New Jersey."
Anyanka nodded sagely. It would pretty much have to be.
-- from Wishes, Chapter 12, by ShayneT

---

It features musical numbers!
-----------------
Epsilon

[Shepherd]

If you're interested in amusing quotes then here is a file of such quotes that I've been slowly building for nearly a decade.

Give a hobbit a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Turn a hobbit invisible, and he'll eat fish for a lifetime.
"We're here in the Engineering Section of the USS Enterprise. We've replaced the fine Dilithium crystals they usually use with Folgers Crystals. Let's see what happens."
"One should respect public opinion insofar as is necessary to avoid starvation and to keep out of prison, but anything that goes beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny, and is likely to interfere with happiness in all kinds of ways." -- Bertrand Russell
"Among life's perpetually charming questions is whether the truly evil do more harm than the self-righteous and wrong." --Jon Margolis
"No, Inigo Montoya, -I- am your father!"
... If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
"Wow, your powers are amazing... hmm, well, I should head to the grocery store now..." - Keiichi Morisato, Oh My Goddess! OAV #1
"We've got to THINK here. What would Brian Boitano do?" "He'd die horribly, Lina, he's just an ice skater." - Lina Inverse and Naga The Serpent, Ultra Rage Gamma
Jesus is coming........look busy.
I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every moment
If someone else has a good idea, steal it! -- Games Workshop 101
"But who here hasn't wished that they could fix politics simply by jumping in a giant mecha and going to Washington?"
The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred sixty-two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. -Unknown
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it." -- culled from the Ground Zero Games List
"Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense." - Mark Twain
There's a dwarfish saying: 'All trees are felled at ground-level' -although this is said to be an excessively bowdlerized translation for a saw which more literally means, 'When his hands are higher than your head, his groin is level with your teeth." -Terry Pratchett
With or without religion, good people can behave well and bad people can do evil; but for good people to do evil - that takes religion
She was not only Rei Hino, she was Sailor Mars, and in high heels she would punish them! (Okay, that sounded really hentai, but it wasn't her fault the senshi costume came with high heels! And maybe she did have some pretty strange manga, but she just liked the artist's style. Yeah, that'll work. Right?) - Metroanime's "A Soldier's Duty" Chapter 16
"You have the insatiable curiosity of a player character, and the lifespan to match." -Melanie, out of character (posted at Lori's Corner).
"Don't you have a curfew?" "Yeah, if we're not in before dawn... sssss...." Leanne and Lori playing V:tM (posted at Lori's Corner).
"Born to be Vlad." Kindred t-shirt idea (posted at Lori's Corner).
"But what an unfortunate side effect." Akane pointed towards Shampoo. "They only breed with men dim enough to be taken in by their marriage law, and so each generation is dumber and meaner." - Henry J. Cobb's "Scarlet Spring" Chapter 6
"We [the Sabbat] are evil because we are vampires. They, however... they are evil because they are human." Julian Mensch posting to alt.games.whitewolf
"God has to have a sense of humor, it's the only explanation for sex." - Thrythlind's father
Knowledge is power.
Power corrupts.
Study hard.
Be evil.
-Saying on a friend's T-shirt
"Abuse of power? Isn't that something weak people made up to try and keep those that are bigger and stronger than them from acting like they're bigger and stronger, therefore negating the whole purpose of being bigger and stronger?" - Captain D'Amour "TWPOS II: The Wrath of Monetkahn"
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. - Richard Clayton on alt.games.whitewolf
"We have to believe in free will. We've got no choice." -----Isaac Singer
After all, if my daughter was turned to stone at school, I'd seriously consider other, less-dangerous, education establishments, though given recent events, a school set up next to a fusion plant built by and staffed with people suffering from Parkinson's Disease would be a safer choice than Hogwarts. - Apprentice Potter by Draco644
"If I let myself get hung up on only doing things that had any actual chance of success, I'd never do anything!" - Elan, Order of the Stick #478
"Anyone can be a winner if their definition of victory is flexible enough." - The DM ofthe Rings XXXV
----------------------------------------------------

"Anyone can be a winner if their definition of victory is flexible enough." - The DM of the Rings XXXV

[Bob Schroeck]

---

If you're interested in amusing quotes then here is a file of such quotes that I've been slowly building for nearly a decade.

---

I'll see your ten and raise you twenty. According to the directory today, my quote file is 3.3 megabytes.
But I don't have some of these. I think I'll steal them.
-- Bob
---------
One of the primary differences between the Left and the Right is their attitude toward the Future. The Radical wants the Future to have gotten here yesterday. The Reactionary wants the Future quietly shot and the corpse buried where no one can find it.
-- Bob
---------
Then the horns kicked in...
...and my shoes began to squeak.

[jpub]

---

Do you have any idea just where in the hell these guys came from? Jim Gordon asked.
Nightwing shook his head as he stood side-by-side with the veteran police officer. Ive got some ideas. I think Ill get some answers once I start kicking them in the head.
I beg your pardon? Jim Gordon realized that he should have been used to such a bizarre sense of logic after spending all this time working with masked vigilantes with questionable psychological backgrounds.
You can tell a lot about somebody from how they react to somebody kicking them in the head, Nightwing replied in a sagely manner.
And to think that I was hoping this man would marry my daughter, Gordon thought. Son, youve picked a disturbing way to find out how people tick.
Commissioner, please bear in mind that Ive kicked a lot of people in the head.
Jim Gordon couldnt deny that.

---

From Ch 38 of Misfits.
www.fanfiction.net/s/2970...he_Misfits--
Christopher Angel, aka JPublic
The Works of Christopher Angel
"Camaraderie, adventure, and steel on steel. The stuff of legend! Right, Boo?"

[ECSNorway]

---

"Ranma! Wow! I found you again! This is so cool!
I mean I didn't think I'd ever do it but it was so cool to
be back in Japan again that I didn't really worry because how
many girls named Ranma could there be? Did you know that
Shampoo didn't know what a phone book was? Not that
you're listed--"
The second girl prodded Usagi with a bonbori
impatiently.
"Oh, right... Um, I gotta kill you. Sorry about
this."

---

From John Biles' "Children of Fire" - take the Ranma and Sailor Moon backstories, put them in a blender set on 'frappe', and stand well back.--
"I give you the beautiful... the talented... the tirelessly atomic-powered...
R!
DOROTHY!
WAYNERIGHT!
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[ECSNorway]

More "Children of Fire", this time love potion hijinx:

---

Setsuna sat in Ryo's lap as he nervously kissed her.
"Don't be afraid. I like you too," she said. "You're so tense,
my love. What's wrong?"
"I'm just nervous because I know at some point,
Shampoo's going to burst through the door and whack me in
the head. But I'm not sure exactly when."
Her eyes widened. "You're right. Me too. But I think
we're wearing less clothing at that point."
"Oh, well, if we keep our clothing on..."
"We won't get hit in the head. But then it won't be as
fun."
They stared at each other for a moment, then both
said, "Who am I to fight fate?" They ripped off each other's
shirts.
A second later, the door flew open and twin bonbori
knocked them both out. They rolled over and fell off the
bed.
Minako said, "Hey, you didn't let me try my knock out
gas!"
"Shampoo heard them through the door. Who is she to
fight fate?"

---

--
"I give you the beautiful... the talented... the tirelessly atomic-powered...
R!
DOROTHY!
WAYNERIGHT!
--
Sucrose Octanitrate.
Proof positive that with sufficient motivation, you can make anything explode.

[Valles]

---

"I think we're almost there, wherever 'there' is. At least, as far as Yan's willing to take us. We really need Benkai awake." She shot him a worried look. "But Aoshi said we shouldn't wake him up. That only you should."
"Why?" Kenshin asked warily.
"That's what I asked him!" Kaoru flung up her hands. "He just smiled."
Smiled. The chill, calm, unflappable leader of the Aoiya onmitsu - had smiled.
He's up to something.
He's ninja. They're always up to something.

---

===============================================
"Reseeestunce ees fiutil. Yoo weeel bee Useemooletud. Borg Borg Borg."
===========

===============================================
"V, did you do something foolish?"
"Yes, and it was glorious."

[Rusco Ducam]

---

Well, yeah. SAP. The kyuubi vessel pivoted on his heel towards Sasuke, nodding. 'Shinobi Archival Program. Basically, it's where paperwork goes to die. Except, it doesn't, and it just sits there, gradually gaining intelligence and the will to devour all life.
All office workers nodded in tandem.

---

-A twist of Chance ch. 13

[drakensis]

Ah, A Twist of Chance, how sweet that fanfic is...

---

You did my taxes? Naruto hadn't ever heard he's teacher's voice reach that high. Pure, unadulterated, raw fear radiated from Kakashi to the same degree as if the Kyuubi himself (or, worse, the husbands of the many women he'd ogled over the years) stood in front of him, irate, frothing at the mouth, and possibly on fire.

---

D for Drakensis

You're only young once, but immaturity is forever.