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Chances are, unless you are heavily cloistered, you've come across a somewhat scatalogical list summarizing several major religions and philosophies. The original was 12 or so entries long, and is most commonly found on T-shirts. I don't know who came up with it -- I've never seen it credited.
Well, sometime around 1992, I and several people from a BBS network that I used to frequent started expanding on that list, and soon we had more than a hundred entries. It was originally just for our amusement, but somehow that expanded list made it out onto the Net, where in the grand tradition of all such things, it began to mutate and grow.
Around 1998, I decided to try to collect and compile all the versions that were out there, and sort of bring it back under the control of one of the original contributors, inasmuch as it was actually possible to do that. I finally came up with what several sites, including The Internet Infidels, consider the definitive version. Now, for the first time, I'm making it available on my own site.
Yes, I know there are sometimes multiple entries for the same philosophy/religion/whatever. That happened when there were several equally good but different interpretations; I didn't want to lose any of them, so I used them all.
Also, the List is not set in stone. If you have a new entry you'd like to contribute, feel free to email it to me, using the link in the menu above. I won't guarantee to use it, but I'll certainly give it all due consideration.
Finally, a Warning for the squeamish! This list is profoundly scatalogical by its very nature. If this is likely to upset you, don't read it! Devout adherents to many of these belief systems may find it offensive. If that describes you, don't read it! If for some reason it is illegal in your area to read material of this nature, go ahead, try a little civil disobedience. It's good for you.
World Religions, Philosophies And Ideologies
The Complete And Uncensored Shit List
Version Date: 9 July 2008
- AA
- My name is N., and I'm a shit.
- Agnosticism
- What is this shit?
Maybe there is shit or maybe it happens, maybe not. - Alchemy
- We will make gold out of this shit.
- Altruism
- Want some shit?
Let me give you my shit. - Americanism
- Who gives a shit?
- Amish
- Shit dost occur.
- Anal Retentives
- Keep your shit to yourself.
- Anarchism
- My shit will happen wherever I want and you can't stop me!
- Anglicanism
- Our shit doesn't stink.
- Anthropocentrism
- If shit happens in the forest and no one smells it, does it stink?
- Anti-Platonism
- The World-of-Ideas is a real bullshit.
- Apathism
- I don't give a shit.
- Archimedesmism
- If I had a lever that's long enough, and a place to stand, I can move the earth -- even if it is full of shit.
- Aristotlism
- Once a shit is stretched by an idea, it never again happens in its original shape.
Shit is real. - Neil Armstrong
- This is one small shit for me, but one giant heap for mankind.
- Asatru
- If shit happens, blame it on Loki.
- Atheism
- I don't believe this shit.
There is no shit. - Ba'Hai
- All shit is truly shit.
- Baptist
- You are shitting wrong, therefore you'll be punished.
- Baptist Fundamentalism
- Shit happens because the Bible says so.
- Blondism
- I'm stupid as shit.
- Bowdlerism
- **** happens.
- Branch Davidianism
- Shit burns.
- Breathairians
- We don't have to eat that shit.
- Buddhism
- Shit happens.
If shit happens, it really isn't shit. - George Bushism
- What shit?
Read my lips, no new shit.
- George W. Bushism
- Shit happenifies plenitudifully.
- Calvinism
- Man is nothing but shit.
- Calvin-and-Hobbesism
- Man, this shit is fun.
- Candide-ism
- This shit is good for us to cultivate our garden.
- Caninism
- Shit happens in the neighbor's yard.
- Capitalism
- Do you buy this shit?
How much will this shit cost?
Shit happens, and it'll cost you! - Carmensandiegism
- Where in the world is that shit happening?
- Cartesianism
- I shit, therefore I am.
- Catholicism
- If shit happens, you deserved it.
Everybody gets shit. - Chauvinism
- We may be shit, but you can't live without us.
- Chestertonianism
- Shit is the farthest thing from shit.
- Chinese Reformism
- Long live comrade Dung Xiao Ping!
- Christian Fundamentalism
- The belief that Hell is where everyone must mind their own shit.
- Clintonism
- I didn't inhale the shit!
- Commercialism
- Let's package this shit.
- Communism
- It's everybody's shit.
Everyone's shit is everyone else's shit. - Computerism
- Why won't this fucking shit work?
- Confucianism
- Confucius say, "Shit happens."
- Conservatism (UK)
- This shit is just not British!
- Constipation
- My shit just won't happen.
- Contract Theory
- If we don't agree to form society, everything will go to shit.
- Creation Science
- We have proof that God created all the shit that happens.
Shit happens all at once.
...And the Lord said, "Let there be shit." - Dadaism
- Blue shit rummage Idaho potato.
- Dadism
- Your mom knows her shit.
- Daffy Duckism
- It's my shit! Down, down! Go, go! Miiiiine!
- Darwinism
- We came up from shit.
- Deja Vu
- I think this shit happened before, but I'm not sure.
- Descartes
- I shit therefore I am.
- Dianetics
- Even shit can make money.
Shit your way to a better life. - Discordianism
- This might be shit, but is instead a fuzzy 1973 Mustang.
- Dominicans
- Belive in shit, or we'll boil you in it.
- Donism
- I'm gonna' make ya' a shit you can't refuse.
- Dyslexianism
- Hits shapnep.
- Ecumenism
- Basically, we believe in the same shit happening.
- e.e. cummingsism
- shit being Brand-new; and you know consequently a little stiff...
- Egotism
- I am the shit that happens!
My shit is the only shit that matters. - Empiricism
- Shit only happens if I see it happen.
- Employerism
- This shit is your fault.
- Energizer Rabbit
- Shit happens... and happens... and happens...
- Environmentalism
- Recycle this shit.
Shit happens, but it's biodegradable. - Euphemism
- Caca happens.
- Eurocratism
- Let's subsidize this shit.
- Evangelicalism
- I can heal people -- but oooonly with the help of yourrrrr shit.
God has a wonderful plan for your shit. - Evangelism
- You need our shit.
- Evangelionism
- I mustn't feel like shit, I mustn't feel like shit, I mustn't feel like...
- Evolution
- Shit happens gradually.
Shit is getting better all the time! - Existentialism
- Shit doesn't happen; shit just is.
- Existentialism, General
- Your shit is what you make of it.
- Existentialism, Sartre
- We are defined by our shit happening.
- Felinism
- Shit happens... bury it.
- Feminism
- Men are shit.
- Finagle's Third Law
- The happening of shit tends to a maximum.
- The Force
- Do not be swayed by the Dark Side of the shit.
- Fourier Transformism
- How frequently do you shit?
If you shit more often, you'll shit for shorter periods of time. - French Farmers
- Shit happened so we'll set fire to some trucks.
- Freudianism
- Shit happens as a result of repressed sexual urges.
- Frisbeetarianism
- Shit happens under cars, just out of reach.
- Gallagherism
- It's the incredible Shit-O-Matic!
- Garbagism
- I dump your shit.
- Geocentrism
- Our shit is the center of the cosmos!
- Green Peaceism
- Save this Shit.
- GURPSism
- Our shit can happen in any conceivable place or time.
- Guruism
- The master's shit does not stink.
- Hare Krishnaism
- Shit happens shit happens shit happens rama rama.
- Hawkingism
- Shit comes from black holes.
- Hedonism
- Fuck that shit; let's party!
This shit is fun! - Heisenbergism
- Shit happened, we just don't know where.
- Hinduism
- This shit happened before.
This shit is not a religion. It is a Way of Life. - Hippyism
- Make peace with shit.
- Hitchhikerism
- The answer to all this shit is 42.
- Idealism
- That shit's all in your mind.
- Illuminism
- We make shit happen.
- Impressionism
- This shit looks better from a distance.
- Inquisitionism
- Let's burn this shit.
- Interrogationism
- Ve haff vays of making you shit!
- Invincible Armada-ism
- Our shit is invincible -- and it floats!
- Islam
- If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
- Islam, Shi'ite
- When Shi'ite happens, kill Salman Rushdie.
- Islam, Sunni
- Why do Shi'ites always happen to us?
- Jeffersonism
- We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all shit is created equal.
- Jehovah's Witnesses
- No shit happens until Armageddon.
Let me in your house and I'll tell you why shit happens.
Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read. - Judaism
- Why does shit always happen to us?
- Judaism, Reformed
- Got any Kaopectate?
- Jungianism
- All shit that happens is an aspect of the archetypical shit generated consensually by the mass subconscious.
- Kennedyism
- Ask not what your country's shit can do for you, but what your shit can do for your country.
- Kierkegaard
- This shit is highly improbable; therefore, we should believe it happens.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
- I have a shit...
- Kinnisonism
- Ooh-shit happens! Oo-ooooooooooo!
- Thomas Kuhn
- Shit always happens exactly the way you expect it to.
- La Palicism
- Shit is Shit.
- Latinism
- Excrementum est.
- Lavoisier-ism
- No shit is lost.
- Libertarianism
- Hands off my shit.
- Logical Positivism
- Shit = S+H+I+T
- Lutheranism
- Catholicism is shit.
- Marianism
- This shit is immaculate.
- Marie Antoinette-ism
- If they can't afford bread, why don't they get shit instead?
- Marines
- It's not just shit, it's an adventure.
- Marlboroism
- Taste the real American shit.
- Marvin
- Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and I can't even shit.
- Marxism, Classical
- The workers take all the shit, but they're gonna dish it back out again.
- Materialism
- Whoever dies with the most shit wins.
- Mathematicism
- Necessary and sufficient conditions for shit to occur are: 1) Shit must exist and be continuous in a domain D 2) No shit must exceed SHIT on the boundary of D.
- May of 68-ism
- Society is a carnivorous shit.
Shit is out in the streets.
Shit to the power.
We are all shit. - McCarthyism
- Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?
- Josh McDowell-ism
- Anyone who investigates the evidence for this shit and doesn't see the truth as plain as day is a nincompoop.
Anyone who investigates the evidence for this shit and doesn't agree with me must want to have sexual intercourse outside of marriage. - Mennonite
- None of this modern shit now.
- Microsoftism
- There's a bug in this shit.
That's not shit, it's a feature!
That's not shit, it's Windows Vista. - Millenarism
- This shit will last a thousand years.
- Momism
- You'll eat this shit and like it!
- Moonies
- Only happy shit really happens.
- Mormonism
- Your shit is shit, but our shit is the one true shit.
God sent us this shit. - Murphism
- Shit always happens at the worst possible time and place.
- Narcissism
- My shit don't stink.
- Native American
- This shit is sacred when it happens.
- Nazism
- This shit is vital to the Reich!
Shit happens, and it's the result of degenerate art. - New Age
- Why did I happen to create this shit?
This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate. - Newton's First Law
- Shit that is happening tends to keep happening.
- Newton's Second Law
- You have to push to make shit happen.
- Newton's Third Law
- Every shit that happens has an equal and opposite shit happening.
- Nietzsche
- If you're not Ubermenschen, you're not shit.
A man without a shit is not a man.
Shit is dead! - Nihilism
- Everything is shit.
- Nikeism
- Just do shit.
- NIMBYism
- Your shit's not gonna happen here.
- Nixonism
- Shit didn't happen, and if it did, I don't know anything about it.
I am not a shit. - Nonsequiturism
- Route 176 goes south.
- Nuremberg Trialism
- I only shat because they ordered me to.
- Oat Branism
- Your shit will keep happening.
- Objectivism
- Shit=Shit
- Occultism
- We eat our shit.
- Oliver Northism
- I shitted, I'm proud I shitted, and I'd shit again.
- Optimism
- That shit won't happen to me.
This shit, too, will pass. - Paganism
- Shit happens. Accept it.
Shit is a part of nature and makes things grow. - Panglossism
- This shit happening now is the best of all possible shit.
- Paranoia
- Shit happens because it's a plot.
- Pascalism
- We are just shit. But we are thinking shit.
- Patriotism
- My shit, right or wrong.
Give me liberty, or give me shit!
Give me shit, or give me death! - Pee-Weeism
- You can't arrest me for that shit!
- Perotism
- We're in deep shit.
- Personal Improvementism
- We must find the shit within ourselves.
- Pessimism
- That shit is going to happen.
- Picassoism
- Where does the shit come out from?
- Pig Latinism
- Itshay appenshay.
- Platonism
- There is an ideal shit, of which all the shit that happens is but an imperfect image.
- Politically Correct
- Don't call it shit. That's not nice. Call it "Nutritionally-Deprived Output."
Nutritionally-Corrected Output happens. - Positive thinking
- Shit is what you make it.
- Post-Modernism
- Nobody understands this shit.
- Pragmaticism
- It may be shit, but it works.
- Protestantism
- Let shit happen to someone else.
- Psychology
- I can help you deal with the shit that is happening.
- PTL Club
- Send us your shit.
- Quaker
- Quayleism
- Shite happense.
- Rastafarian
- Shit happens, but if it's all right with Jah, it's all right with me.
Let's smoke this shit. - Reaganism
- I don't recall if shit happened.
- Reaganism, Nancy
- Just say "Shit happens."
- Republicanism
- We earned our shit.
- Revivalism
- I miss the good, old shit.
- Robinism
- Holy shit, Batman!
- Rousseau
- Only natural shit is worth shit.
- Sailormoonism
- You are responsible for this shit happening! Even if the people to whom this shit happened forgive you, I will not! A Pretty Sailor-Suited Soldier of Love and Justice! In the name of the moon -- shit happens!
- Schroedingerism
- Shit does not happen until you smell it.
- Scooperism
- If your shit happens here, you gotta pick it up.
- Secular Humanism
- Shit happens, but there's a rational explanation.
- Seventh Day Adventist
- No shit on Saturdays.
- Shakespeare
- To shit or not to shit, that is the question.
- Sherlock Holmes
- I know where this shit came from.
- Shinto
- Shit is everywhere. So as long as you're stepping in it, show it some respect.
- Skinnerism
- If eat then shit.
- Socrates
- I am shit. But I know I am shit.
- Solipsism
- All this shit is a creation of my imagination.
The only thing I can be sure of is that my shit happens. - Spockism
- The shit of the many outweighs the shit of the few... or the one.
- Spockism, Reformed
- The shit of the one outweighs the shit of the many.
- Dr. Spockism
- Encourage your child to make shit happen.
- Spoonerism
- Hit shappens.
- Stalinism
- The state treats you like shit.
- Stoicism
- This shit is good for me.
- Sturgeon's Law
- 90% of everything is shit.
- Subgenius
- Shit happens -- SO WHAT? GIVE ME SOME SLACK!
- Surrealism
- Shit is shiny and shaped like a Buick.
- Taoism
- The shit that happens is not the true shit.
- Televangelism
- Your tax-deductible donation could stop this shit from happening.
- Thermodynamics, First Law
- The shit that happens cannot be created or destroyed.
- Thermodynamics, Second Law
- When shit happens, it happens from a place of more shit to a place of less shit.
- Thermodynamics, Third Law
- Disorder is the inevitable result of shit happening.
- Tolkienism
- One shit to rule them all,
One shit to find them.
One shit to bring them all
And in the darkness bind them. - Totalitarianism
- Shit doesn't happen unless we say so.
- Trekkism, TOS
- To boldly shit where no shit has happened before.
- Trekkism, TMP
- This shit is happening again.
- Trekkism, TNG
- This shit happens every week.
- Trekkism, DS9
- Shit happens on the other side of the wormhole.
- Trekkism, Voyager
- Shit happens on the other side of the galaxy.
- Trekkism, Enterprise
- Is this shit happening again?
- Twelve-Step Programs
- God, grant me the serenity to deal with this shit.
- US Army
- Shit all that you can shit.
- Unitarianism
- There's only one shit, but you can have it happen any way you want.
- Universalism
- One shit's as good as another.
- Unix
- Shit Happened. Core dumped.
- Ursism
- Shit happens in the woods.
- Utilitarianism
- Do that which generates the greatest shit for the greatest number.
Let's make the best of this shit. - Vacuum
- That shit sucks.
- Vandalism
- I'm gonna wreck this shit!
- Virtual Reality
- I can almost smell this shit when it happens.
- VMS
- Want to make shit happen? No Privilege for Attempted Operation.
- Voodooism
- Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
- Voyeurism
- Look at that shit happening.
- Waldoism
- Where is that little shit?
- Wicca
- An it harm none, shit where you want.
- X-Files-ism
- Shit is happening out there.
I want to shit. - Xeno's Paradox
- It's logically impossible for shit to happen.
- Yahwehism
- "Take off your sandals, for the shit you're stepping in is holy shit."
- Yuppieism
- It's my shit! All mine!
- Zen
- What is the sound of one shit happening? PU!
- Zoroastrianism
- Shit happens half the time.
And finally, the Argument From Shit:
1. If God were omnibenevolent, he wouldn't want shit to happen.
2. If God were omnipotent, he would be able to prevent shit from happening.
3. Shit Happens.
-------------------------------
4. Therefore, God is not both omnibenevolent and omnipotent.